Rescheduled pessimism

Tonight is my 2nd meet with a counselor after last weeks scheduled meet didn't happen due to unforseen circumstances.

In all honesty I really don't have much of a desire to go.

Where as last week I was both mad and irritated with my estranged wife's blathering about my mother and trying to convince me I was co-dependant on my co-dependancy support group, and the suggestion it was somehow my fault she can't get her mail...this week I just don't don't really care.

Well, I suppose I do care a bit...I care in the sense that I'm curious on how she would describe that ill-fated dinner attempt to the counselor from her perspective, and to see what he could draw out of her.

I don't have much of a desire to talk.  I know that if pressed I can talk, and then get wound up, animated, and feel the inner Hulk start to break through my Dr. Bruce Banner exterior.

I just don't have much of a fight in me anymore.  I never wanted to fight to begin with.  People who really 'know' me would agree (I'd like to think anyway) that I'm both fair and also not too confrontational.  To take a page out of my wife's playbook, I just wish I could wake up and sweep it all under the rug, like that one season of Dallas where the whole season was a dream as Bobby stepped out of the shower.

She already texted me once this morning all cheerful, asking me to bring her mail tonight.  If anything, of course I will, because I hate seeing it pile up.  And I'm especially sick of all the postcards and advertisements from casinos I get daily in her name.  What, did she visit every single one of them when she was away?

I caught myself looking at the calendar at work this morning.  She's been out of the house just shy of 5 months.  In just over a week from now it will be 5 months.  Most of her stuff is still there as well.  Last night I was looking for some lotion (it's so hot and dry at my house, my skin is all rough), and opened up a few cabinets I hadn't yet opened before.  I found so much more shampoo, lotions, odd medicines and OTC remedies, I could open my own CVS.  Seriously, I have more shampoo and lotion at my house that I coudl possible use in over two years easily.

Well at least easily fill yet another two decent sized boxes of 'stuff' for her to take.

She still thinks we are getting back together.  I can't say 100% for sure 'No', but then again, I don't want to put any effort into right now.  I try not to be bitter,  I've let some...but not all of my anger subside.  I'll admit, I have my moments, but if I allow myself to really think and sit still, the laundry list of her various 'issues' look infinetly long, and I know to a certain degreee have altered me over the years (hence my own medications).

But I'm plugging along.

A few of my friends and my family believe that her changes are too little, too late...and what she really wants is the feeling of security I provide.  Truth be told, my friends (more than one who've known her for years) tell me to run, and run hard.  Zebra's don't change their stripes...at least not for long.

I honestly don't know, and not sure that I ever will.  I do continue to pray for her, although not as much as I used to.  In God, all things are indeed possible.  Even the worst of people can turn around...and maybe she is indeed trying....I'm just not sure I'm buying what's she's now selling.

I explained to a friend that God has been silent to me lately.  That I pray on making the correct decision.  My friend had some insight I never thought of before: "If you are feeling uptight and anxious, this is NOT of the Lord.  The Lord is about inner peace, love, relaxation, calm.  God would not answer in a way that would make you feel uptight or mentally frustrated."

Point taken.

Maybe that is the answer after all.  If I am this unsure, this uptight, this uncaring, this mentally taxed....how can it be from the Lord, and especially with His blessing?

This is my biggest problem: In the end, I am too forgiving.  I always, always, always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt no matter how many times they have proven me wrong or let them down.  I'm not about 2nd chances...I'm about 3rd, 4th, 5th and so on and so forth, usually to my own detriment.

Then there's the thing about my mom.

That is an absolute non-negotiable.  That, I will not budge on one iota.  She has to make a 'real', not half-hearted, attempt to bury the hatchet with my mom.  If not...then forget it.  That would make my decision easy actually.  I almost hope that it comes up tonight and says it's either 'her' or 'my mom'.  I don't need to think twice on that.  Anyone that can leave their kid twice, their husband...and then throw down that kind of ultimatum...I have no respect.

Speaking of my mom, she did call me yesterday.  She still has no idea that my wife and I are meeting with a counselor...she's already mentioning things 'post divorce' and is looking for the day I can put this all behind me.

I hate thinking about all this stuff, thus my earlier mention that's I'd liek to bury my own head in the sand for a while and see what it feels like....to ignore everything around me.  The little bit I have done...has in fact...been peaceful.