In the dark....and feeling it.

Last Thursday we had another meeting with our counselor.

It didn't go bad, nor did it go good.  It just went.  Afterwards I wonder why I drag myself to these things.  I came to teh realization that I seriously don't know what I want to do, and have become myself what I disliked about my wife for so long....I'm a person who just wants to avoid all this because I'm not ready to think about it.

I've been able to maintain my composure for over a week now.  I haven't gotten too emotional over any of this, probably because I've been avoiding trying to think about it, and probably because the increase from 20mg to 40mg of 'happy pills' daily is most likely having an effect on me.

My wife once again showed up to church on Sunday to meet me.  I could tell there was a litte tension between us as I know she wanted to hang out afterwards and I said 'No', because I was meeting my great-aunt and 2nd cousin for lunch before they went back to Texas.  In the parking lot we hugged, and once again she said she "loved" me.  I felt a little tugging of my heart strings, but carried on the rest of the day without any further contact.

There has been no contact between us on Monday or Tuesday either.  When we spoke briefly on the phone Saturday prior to us seeing each other on Sunday, I expressed pretty clearly to her that just because she's been out of her program for 4 weeks and ready to move forward, leave the past in the past....I'm not.  I'm not there yet.  I explained that while I am happy she is indeed improving, and make positive strides in the right direction, that again, 4 weeks of good behavior does not magically negate the last 5 months of her disappearance nor the last few years of our marriage.  "Good for you, but not for me." is all I could really muster.

I went on to tell her that quite frankly I'm kinda tired of all these meetings and talking.  I know it has to be done sooner or later, and I know she is trying, but I just want to enjoy some peace and quiet right now.  No, I am not galavanting around, sewing my wild oats or experiencing bachelorhood.  I'm playing with my dog, hanging out with my guy friends, trying to figure out what I want to do and don't want to feel neither rushed or pressured.

I have made note (as I expressed in an earlier post), that both my inlaws and SIL/BIL have been completely mum now.  That hurts a bit, and I miss them dearly.  I don't miss her friends however.  Quiet honestly, many of her friends I could do without just fine.  I just picture them as habitual drinkers, bitchers, and lack of resposnible characteristics with nothing really important to say on anything.  No, the majority of them I'm actually happy I don't see them on a regular basis.

That being said I did sign the papers and handed them to my lawyer last week.  I have no idea where we are in moving forward legally.  I imagine anyday my wife will call when her lawyer contacts her and I pray we can remain amicable.  I'm supposed to go to another session with her tomorrow...I don't want to.  I feel I owe it to her, but I'm not sure why.  It just drains me, and I don't see anything happening aftwerwards.  It's a 3 day weekend this weekend as well.  She may want to do something with me on Sunday.  I don't know what to think.  I could care less either way.  It isn't fair to her or me, but I seriously don't know what to do anylonger.