Does a leopard change its spots? (Part II)

I have a minor headache.  It's been extremely warm at work and I had to work the majority of yesterday in a warehouse with no air-conditioning working in dirty conditions, up and down stairs a dozen or so times. 

Add to that the fact my sleep is on again/off again, and the last two days I have had a lot on my mind.

Getting back to where I left off....

Tuesday day started off okay and I had decided since we are both Italian, that I wanted to eat at an Italian restaraunt not far from my job so as we could eat around 5:30 or so, and I could get home to my dog, take a nice shower, watch some Olympics, and go to bed.

I really did want a peaceful dinner, for the both of us.

As soon as I pulled into the aprking lot, I got a text from her stating she's...(wait for it)...IN THE BAR.    Yes, you read that right.  Oh great, I can already imagine how this is going to turn out.

I walked in, and there she was, sitting at the bar with a glass of wine.  So, even if you don't think you are an alcoholic,...is it wise to meet your estranged husband with a glass of wine in your hand after you recently admitted that you drank too much and we had an intervention for you?  (Don't let this side track you....I'm just pointing it out for later).

I had iced-tea and suggested we eat because I was hungry (true statement).  We made small talk and everything seemed fine, and after about 20 minutes or so we got seated at our table.

We made more small talk and I asked how her job search is going.  No news there.  I asked if she had to pay her parents rent....the answer was "No."  She asked why.  Well, I said "It would be nice if you picked up and started paying for your credit card that I made the last 5 payments on then at $90 a pop.  It's tough for me to pay everything.  (I didn't even want to bring up the taxes).

She looked at me, increduously, "Well, since you've been holding all my mail and all my debtors are fining me for late fees......"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa.", I interjected  "You are a big girl.  Don't blame ME for YOU not calling the various companies and make arrangments.  You could have easily called them up, gone to the post office, made address changes...but you chose not to.  That is your responsibility...not mine...and again, you've had 4+ months to do something about it, even after I warned you week one.  Nope, don't lay your financial irresponsibility at my feet because YOU chose not to get your mail."

Waiter was nice and we ordered our food, and as we waited my wife brought up the subject: "So, would you consider going to the place ('camp feel good') I did for a 8 days?"

That caught me TOTALLY off gaurd.

"Um....No."

"Why?"

"Um...because I don't think I need it."

"You get a whole new perspective on things."

"Okay, great.  But I don't need a new perspective on things.  I also don't have $4K laying around or can take the time off my job.  Plus, I know where my faults are and I am addressing them and always have.  Your family and friends all suggested that you go....no one suggested I needed to go."  What the F is happening here?

"It could help you."

"Help me with what?  I already see my own therapist.  I already go to a men's support group on Saturday.  I go to Celebrate on Friday for codependancy...And I am dealing with my crap."

"Don't you think your co-dependant on your codependancy group?"

Oh crap, no she didn't....

"WHAT?  No, I go because I CHOOSE to go.  I don't go every Friday night.  I started going because I realized I was relying on you and everyone else, trying to make you all happy while I was miserable.  Plus, I've only been going just over 60 days, which is like 9 or 10 times for 2 hours at a time.  That doesn't make me co-dependant on them.  What, now you're an expert on codependancy?  You never even heard of the term before I told you about it.  Yes, I have issues...Yes, I am far from perfect...but despite the fact I may be on some medication, I am teh responsible one and own my actions.  You hurt ME."

That last statement must have hit her between the eyes, because I saw the flash behind her own gaze.  Ahhhh....here we go, the true colors are about to show, I know that look.  Before I knew it, she began rehashing all these things from the past....and my mom..

Ah-ha.  There it is.  She just played the 'mom' card.

She asked me if my parents knew we were out to dinner tonight.  I said my dad did, my mom did not.  She asked why was that?  I said because my mom is still hurt from you cursing her out over the holidays and doesn't want to see me in any more pain and confusion.

Me: "You may not like my mom, think she interferes too much.  But I don't.  See I don't have a huge family.  I don't have brothers or sisters or children that I tell to 'F'-off unlike you.  I also don't disrespect my parents, or yours.  I would never, ever raise my voice to your parents, let alone curse them out.  You have no respect for my parents or my family, and barely yours.  And so much for you drawing a line in the sand and wanting to start over and look forward as you say.  You've been back all of 1 week, and already you go right back to the past and go after my mom."

Then she had the audacity to quote the bible to me.  HER: "As a husband, you are supposed to cleave from your parents and become one with your spouse."

Me: "Oh, that's rich...one of the 10 commandments is to also HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER, something you don't do to yours, let alone mine.  I got news for you, my parents have known me and stuck by me for 42 years.  I am their only child.  I have known you for 11, married for not even 9, and you walked out on me, your daughter, and your ex..  So if you think this is a choice I need to make, guess what...."  I'll let her piece that together by heself.

And then she started to cry. 

And I didn't.

I did take that as my cue to calm down before this escalated.  She excused herself for a minute, presumably to compose herself before she came back.  While she was gone, I made a quick mental inventory of what just happened the last 20 minutes.  Let's recap shall we?

1. It's apparently my fault she is not smart enough to pay her own bills, make arrangments with CC companies, failed to contact her car insurance company until they dumped her, racked up tons of penalties from the toll roads she contionously drives through, etc... As if I held her mail hostage and she never figured out she could use her computer or cell phone to make the appropriate changes.
2. I am co-dependant on my co-dependant support group.
3. My mom interfers (in what?, I still don't know) in our life and therefor does not deserve her respect, but instead it's okay to curse at her.
4. She wants to forget the past and move forward, that is until its fits her arguments, and then she can bring up the past over and over and over again.
5. Now she's quoting bible verses to me, a person who doesn't own a bible, and has just went this once this last Sunday, the first time in years.
6. Finally, not once did I detect any remorse or hear any apologies for anything else.  Instead, it was everybody else's fault...all over again.

At this point I just realized it was in my best interest to shut-up.  I know myself well enough that I could easily get sucked into an escalating argument in a public place.  She started in on me once again.  I help up my hand: "Stop.  Just Stop.  I am not going to sit here and go in a circle with you.  I have nothing else to say."  (Believe me, I have plenty to say but I didin't want to get worked up.)

We finished our meal more or less in silence.  We couldn't finish, so I offered for her to take the leftovers home.  She declined, so heck, I guess I'll take them home.  There's a whole other meal here.

At this point, I figure I'll just cut my losses and go home.  No drawn out speech in the parking lot, no "lets take a step back and start over".  No, all I coudl think about was going home, taking a shower, feeding my pup, and watching some TV.

She asked if I planned on still going to our next 'scheduled' meeting on Thursday (tonight) with the counsler.  I said I would even though I have no desire to.  If anything, I need to hear her perspective on what she thinks happened on Tuesday.  I must be strong tonight and keep my mouth shut (gonna be hard), but I need her to do ALL the talking and I just need to sit, listen, and absorb.  It's the wrong perspective to have, but for all intents and purposes, this should be comedy for me tonight.  I need her to solidify her absurd logic and outlook on things so that when my lawyer gets back next week, I can tell him to move forward...that she hasn't changed afterall.