Rock Bottom (Part 2)

Sunday morning found me at church, and to be quite honest, only so-so attentive.

After the service, one of the men who has helped me through my various struggles in the past invited me out for coffee Tuesday night just to catch up and see how I'm doing.  I agreed, and so I will be seeing him this evening.  He briefly asked me what going on, and I gave him the abbreviated 5 minute version.  I explained that now I'm going through my 'anger' stage, if that makes sense.

Afterwards I came home to work on a train model of mine, make myself a sandwich, and decided to take my pup for a walk.  We went on a stroll around the lake in my town, but it was surprisingly a bit warm.  I didn't want to overheat my little guy, so I decided to take him to the local pet store and buy him a new toy and treats. 

It was fun putting him in the basket and pushing him down the aisles as he looked around, sniffing at all the curious smells.  I hope enjoyed it.  I know it's small little things like that which put a smile on my face these days.

In the afternoon, my parents came over once again, and we opted to share a pizza in town.  Father's Day was a bit mellow for us...I just gave my dad a card and we shared a pitcher of beer at the pizza parlor.  Afterwards we came back to my house where we watched the rest of the U.S. Open (golf).

At about 7:45 I received a text from my SIL urging me to take my wife's call (a call which I earlier ignored).  So as not to look like I'm an arse, I gave my wife a call around 8pm or so.  We spoke for about 20 minutes.  The gist of the conversation was this: My wife had went up to her parents house after our little squabble Saturday morning, only to get into a large argument with her parents.  She didn't go into details, but basically said it was ugly.  As a family (my wife, MIL/FIL & SIL) drove to a treatment center to check out, but ultimately my wife did not enroll because she said it was full of hard core heroin and major drugs.

Anyway, somehow, someway my SIL convinced my wife to enroll in an 8 day program called the Hoffman Institute.  It is not covered by insurance, so it is my understanding my in laws will pay the hefty application fee and that my wife will attend this intensive inpatient program in mid-July.  In the meantime she will be collecting her stuff over the next few days and move back to our state and move in with her parents for the next three weeks until she enrolls into the program.  She'll be done by the end of July and I have no idea what her plans are after that.

The reason she called me was that she finally admitted her life is out of control.  That she is not happy with herself, her surroundings, some of the choices she has made, etc.  That being said, she never once said she was 'sorry' to me, nor sis she admit to being an 'alcoholic'.  It was more an admission that she was 'depressed' and she's hitting "rock bottom" her own way.  To be honest, I wasn't sure this day would come, at least not so soon, if you consider 3 months soon.  My wife has always been fiercely independent, closed off emotionally, stubborn, bitter, etc.  I guess the 3 months away from home & her family, along with the knowledge that funds are dwindling and there are no job prospects in sight, coupled with the fact I did not chase after her and more or less ignored her must have finally gotten to her.

She also admitted that her current living situation and surroundings wasn't conducive to a healthy and happy environment for her.  Well, we all told her that 3 months ago, but I suppose she needed to come to that conclusion on her own.

She finally asked me if I would halt my divorce proceedings against her.  Asked if I would table them for 6 months.

As much as it pains me, I told her "No."

I have spent 8+ years being her doormat.  The incidents and painful memories and baggage I've been carrying have been well documented within this blog.  When I try to be calm and think back over time, the "Con's" far outweigh any "Pro's" I can muster up.  Just the day before, Saturday, I was once again on the receiving end of her accusations, so it's a little hard for me to believe she did a 180 in 24 hours.  The knowledge that she is getting into treatment a month from now does not erase all the damage I and my family have felt over the years.

Just this past month, while the process has been slow, I know I can meet other people.  As a matter of fact (and I'm not tooting my horn here), I was just asked out by a woman yesterday.  No joke! 

I spoke with my best friend about the situation yesterday.  He also encouraged me to go through with the divorce, to let my wife know I am not messing around anymore and I have been reborn.  If the stars should someday re-align, there's no reason why we can't date and re-marry in a year from now, but I have to go through with this, for my own sanity and closure and to "man up" if you will.  Looking back I have given her dozens upon dozens of chances...and she has thrown them all away.  Now that it has become too much for her to bare, she wants me to back up?  She actually said "If you love me, you would."

Well, well, well.  If that isn't emotional manipulation, I don't know what is. 

Again, she never once told me that she still loved me.  Instead she wanted me to PROVE to her, through my actions, that I loved her.  No, I don't see any real change here.  As I told her Saturday "Actions speak louder than words."  Let me see her turn her life around first and make steps in a positive direction before I can even entertain her musings.  Maybe some day in the future she will change, but I'll have to wait and see.  I want someone who I can share my life with spiritually, someone who will accept my entire family (including my mom), someone who is financially responsible so I don't have to worry about calls from collection agencies anymore, someone who will make marriage a priority.....not bowling, someone who wants to better their life not to drink and hide behind Facebook all day long.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound pompous....but I do indeed deserve better than what I've endured.