Last night I was able to step out of the confines of being in a church setting and meet with my spiritual advisor at a local Starbucks to catch up. I call him my spiritual advisor, or mentor, for lack of any other appropriate title right now.
He's a man who leads a study at my church and over the course of the last few years has opened my eyes to a lot of things I was previously missing in my search for a 'higher' meaning. I'm not trying to sound cute, deep, or esoteric....but during my personal spiritual battles of depression and looking for answers knowing that there was something else out there....something I was hungry for, but was not being fed....he took an interest in me and started sharing with me his life journey (not entirely rosey itself) until he found Christ.
He allowed me to believe that Christians weren't indeed perfect, that they/we are a continual work in process, not bound by the laws of the Old Testament and fire and brimstone, but under the new idea that love, forgiveness, and being human is the way.
I had been going to his meetings on a regular basis up until Nov. 2011 when my marriage started to quickly unravel. It would be a few more weeks or so before I took a step back and tried to pour my energy into saving my marriage and briefly took my eyes off of God. It would be a few more weeks then before the failed intervention and before I found myself in Al-Anon and a different support group for the hard luck cases I attend now.
But he never forgot about me. He gave me some distance, knew I was under a lot of stress and self-condemnation, but stayed supportive of me through prayer and occasional chats at church.
Last night he explained that I was weighing heavy on his heart (what a great feeling to know that I actually matter to others outside my family) and wanted to see me. He voiced concern and was just curious how my current walk was with the Lord....that if through this separation from my wife and my anger...if I had distanced myself from God.
I explained to him...on the contrary...I am closer to God now, but still far from perfect. I shared that I was attending Celebrate Recovery Friday nights, reading daily devotionals, listening to Joel Osteen, and still praying for my wife just about every day. I explained I don't hate my wife at all....far from it, but I just can't be around her right now until she makes the decision to get better, and time will tell on that front.
See, my life has changed radically the last few years (you know that) and not just through this marital turmoil...I could go on and on and fill pages, probably to the tune of a dead horse, but to sum it up succinctly: I recognize behaviors that are not befitting of both of our ages and a healthy marriage. I have recognized that I need to be responsible to God and myself first, spiritually, financially, etc. That I am not a doormat anymore (at least trying so). That past poor decisions or lack of me standing up has led to years of pain and misery.
We talked about other things as well, but it was nice to hear yet again that while we all have faults, that I should not condemn myself (Condemnation and doubt is the work of the Enemy, for there is no condemnation in Christ), that my Heavenly Father has forgiven me and loves both me and my wife and He wants her when she is ready. It just so happens I heard the calling and draw back to Him first to submit to His will, where she wants to continue to be the master of her own domain....and look where that has gotten her so far. She was determined to do things 'her' way, and now she's finding out, albeit slowly, her ways aren't the best ways....or working out the way she had planned.
Overall it was a nice conversation. Two guys, being themselves, actually allowing a few "blue' words to spill from their lips without having to get on a knee and ask for forgiveness every 5 minutes(lol) and having a nice Mocha Chip Frappacino.
All in all, a nice hour and a half spent last night.
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