Rock bottom? (Part 1)

Today I feel as if I am in a stupor.  Not bad, not depressing, but "clouded".

My wife came down, again, this weekend and spent the night at the Nosey Neighbor's house  on Friday.  Of course, I was a tad bit nervous as one of my other neighbors warned me she had been drinking and I *may* expect a late visit at my door.

Thankfully that never came, but I spent Friday night inside my house catching myself looking out the window every 45 minutes or so.  Not good for me to be continually uptight.

I spoke with my SIL and said "Yes", she in fact knew that her sister was down this weekend and would be actually seeing her and her parents together sometime late Saturday morning.  My SIL proceeded to inform me that my wife has been trying to paint me in a bad light towards her parents as of late (which is to be expected I suppose).  Although that bums me out to a certain extent, I was forming the conclusion in my own mind that she must be grasping at straws now.  That her inability to find a job, mounting bills, loss of her family, and the realization that I'm not pursuing her or rolling over at this point must be getting to her.

I still get the 'death' stares from two female 'enablers' on my street, but in all seriousness, I really don't give a damn.  I've survived 3 months now of their petty behaviors, so who cares?

I received a text message Saturday morning from my wife that she wanted her mail.  No problem.  I took all of her mail, placed it in a bag, and told her to meet me outside now as I am headed to the gym and then I am headed out with my family to spend Father's Day with my grandfather.

I was a bit shocked at the site of her on Saturday.  I hope my facial expressions didn't give it away or reveal too much and I didn't bring it up to her (no reason to add insult to injury), but she looks like hell.  I don't say that to be mean, I actually say that out of genuine concern.  She looked horrible.  Her face was completely broken out in a rash I had never seen before, and she looked "older".  This was clearly not the person I married.

I handed her the bag of mail and turned to walk away, to get back in my car and leave for the gym.  But apparently she had something to say to me, so I stopped and listened.  She went on to say that she has gone to 4 therapy sessions, on her own, and is done with that and if I wanted to save our marriage that I would agree to go to couples counseling.  What about all the counseling sessions I suggested over and over which you said "Didn't work", or "There was nothing wrong with you, but with me."

I said I'm not sure if I am interested or not.  I told her that I'm going to use her own words that she used on me so many times in the past: "Actions speak louder than words.  As far as I can tell, you have done NOTHING in the last three months to show me you took positive steps.  You have failed to pay bills.  You have accused mutual friends of 'wanting me' insinuating that I may be having an affair.  You have the neighbor who claims to want nothing to do with this, watch me come and go and report to you.  You bad mouth me to EVERYONE.  You have had your lawyer threaten me with a restraining order and lied to them about me not giving you your mail or denying you access to your personal belongings."

I inquired about her 4 sessions.  They were 1 hour each.

"And now, you claim to have 4 therapy sessions that I have to take your word for and you expect me to believe that after 4 sessions that negates 42 years of issues?  8 years of marriage?  What you've said to my mother?  What you've told the whole neighborhood, your former coworkers, etc?  You're kidding right?"

I began to raise my voice, slightly.  She asked me to keep it down, that she was embarrassed and didn't want the neighborhood to hear.  I replied "I don't care if they hear me or not.  I have nothing to hide and thanks to you, they know EVERYTHING anyway, of course from your exaggerated and biased side.  So what are they going to hear that you haven't been telling then for the past 3 months anyway?  Are they not going to talk to me anymore?  Guess what, 1/2 of them don't anyway thank you very much."

I didn't swear, I didn't call her any names, but I let her know that through Celebrate, by own therapy, Al-Anon meetings, and my own men's support group I am getting stronger and am no longer going to be your personal doormat.

She began to cry.

It really didn't faze me.  Do you know how many nights sleep I lost over the past 3 months?  How many tears I have shed?  How many mutual friends I have lost due to your exaggeration and/or fabrications?  How much a financial burden I have taken on by myself?  How many hours of my own therapy meetings I have gone to now to gain some semblance of my spine and life back?  Family members divided?  How much weight I lost?  What medications I am on for blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and the like?

A few tears from her mean nothing to me right now.

I told her that I am headed to the gym and will be gone the rest of the day after that.  She said she'd be in town through Monday.  I don't care.  I left.

(To be continued)