Holding patterns.
That is the feeling I have thus far today. It's not neither good nor bad, but somewhat....uncomfortable. Like the feeling I should be much more productive than I actually am being right now because I feel the inner machinations of myself waiting fro something to happen to spur me on, or forward.
I'm not sure if it is God telling me to be silent and still for the time being, or if I'm just aware that I 'should' be doing something, but 'unaware' of what is actually stopping me. Whatever it is ultimately, I don't cherish the feeling.
On the divorce front: Nothing has happened in a week now. My wife, as far as I know, hasn't had her lawyer do anything further (but then again, I may be surprised later on today going into the weekend.). I hope not. I could really use a break this weekend seeing that its Father's Day. I wonder if she will be coming back down to visit her father? By the way,...that's something I find somewhat painful this year: Not seeing my FIL. I did mail him a card on Tuesday, so he'll probably get it today or tomorrow.
Speaking of which, my MIL and SIL have been awfully silent this past week. I kinda figured this would happen. The slowly 'pulling' away and closing the door without slamming it. Who was I kidding to believe that our relationship could ever be the same? I see the writing on the wall. God's 'period' on that chapter of my life will soon be written. Time to come to terms with that, and it's not easy.
I also haven't had the time to finish the other part of my paperwork. I know I keep putting it off with every passing day, but the days are filled with work, followed by coming home after sitting in traffic 40 minutes and walking the dog. Then it's preparing dinner, doing other odd chores, and before I know it, it is after 7pm again and the last thing I want to do is legal stuff. I'll probably have to do it this weekend, but that sucks too because my parents (and family) seems to always have crap planned now on the weekends smack in the middle of the day. Like this weekend - My family wants a Father's Day with my aunt/uncle and grandfather on Saturday (that will be most of the day), and then Sunday my mom already said she wants another one just with my father. How can I say no? Especially after everything they do for me, but at the same time, I just feel I have no "me" time.
I'm also not looking forward to my aunt/uncle & grandfather's questioning on "How are you doing?" I'll have to endure their discussion, platitudes, and advice whether I want to or not and just grin and bare it.
No time for my modeling, no time to meet new people, no time to get out. As a matter of fact, I am forcing myself to go to the gym for a 1/2 hour tonight otherwise, when will I go again? I need to burn some energy...whether I have the time or not. I know that sounds like a whiny excuse: "Well, you should have all the time in the world now. You're a bachelor. What commitments do you have?" Yeah, I get that....but in all seriousness....it isn't easy being by yourself. I don't know how single mothers do it and I have a new found respect for them. Time is a precious commodity now, more so that ever before, and if and when I have an extra hour I'm not even sure what to do with it: A) relax, rest, and recuperate -or- B) plug away at yet another task that needs to get done that I just can't seem to get to. I seriously need 8 days in a week, or 26 hours in a day now.
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