Tired

I've been getting up unnaturally early as of late.

It seems that somewhere between 4:45 and 5am have been the nomr for the past week or so, but this morning it was 4am. *Sigh*

I laid in bed, trying to get comfortable, attempting to *will* myself back to slumber, but that never works. Finally at 6am, I got up, fed my pup, and went back to bed. Next thing I knew it was 7:30. So it appears I fell back asleep for at lest 45 minutes.

When I finally did get up (for the second time), I just kicked my legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a second. I came to the realization that I am just tired. Physcially and mentally, and I'm not exactly sure which of those two wins out.

I've hit the gym a few times this past week, a little harder than usual, plus I had that hike last Sunday, and with a few people out sick at work, I can maybe understand the physical aspect.....my legs are sore, by feet ache, and my whole body feel stender. I think about getting a pedicure only if just to have someone massage my calves and feet. I also daydream of sitting in a heated pool, quiet, just letting my body float and have the tension drain out. I so wish I had a pool.

Then there is the mental aspect. I'm so tired of over-thinking things. From getting advice (wanted or not), and from nosey people. One of my neighbors is kind of a gossip, and yesterday as I was getting my mail, ran into me and started to quiz me on my wife and what was next. I probably could have handled it better, but I know she just wants to hear salacious details. I just said blunty.."My wife left. She's an alcoholic. And no, I don't know when she is coming back, or what's next." Kinda pissed me off, but I suppose everyone is curious, it's just that I really expected it from this particular neighbor, and she didn't disapoint.

Today is Good Friday. I will just go home today after work, make myself some dinner and stay in. My daughter is going to her grandmothers tomorrow through Monday. She asked me why I wasn't spending Easter with them this year. I told her that my family is actually doing something this year (the first time in 9 years) and I was asked to spend it with them.

My daughter has begun packing her room up. I think next Wed or Thursday will be her last day at our house before she goes and lives with my inlaws for the forseable future. And I'll be alone in that house deciding on when I inform my wife that her lack of effort is forcing my hand for divorce.

Funny thing is that a friend of hers sent me an email the other day saying she had just spoken to my wife. My wife does not want a divorce and claims to "love" me. That's the second time I heard that this past week. But then why isn't my wife saying this to me?

I ran the party scenario by various people. Everyone said I should not go, even though I responded I would weeks ago. No one thinks that anything positive can happen, and by me showing up may be a signal to my wife that I am 'okay' or took a step-back on my stance on her partying ways. Pisses me off, because I wanted to go to the party...these are my friends too and many were my friends before they were my wifes, but it just may be too awkward. It doesn't help that there will be alcohol there, and probably not a good idea for me to have a beer or two in front of her in lieu of what's going on. It also makes me mad that her friends are enabling her, as I'm sure they will be pouring drinks as well and aren't going to take any away from her.

My wife still thinks I am going. She said she wants me to go. If you asked me a few days ago, I was. Then yesterday I was 50/50. Today I am 85/15 I am not going.

I think back to my birthday a month ago.

The birthday in which my wife gave me no present, no card, no cake or ice cream, but a text message towards the end of the day that made me feel so worthless. And now, she's going to drive 4 hours to her girlfriends party, spend the night, and drive back 4 hours on Easter. I even feel more special now, despite the fact she claims to others she loves me.

She won't even see her daughter this weekend. I know she doesn't want to see her family, but she hasn't even tried to contact her daughter in a week now. Am I wrong in thinking that once again my wife is putting herself before everyone else? That her 'party' plans win out over her daughter, Easter with her family, and even me?

So far, I haven't seen any money in the account either. She was supposed to deposit money for her share of the taxes some time yesterday or today. So far nothing.

Haven't had a Xanax in over a week now, but I'm contemplating it today. I have a little stress building up in my chest that I can feel and makes me slightly uncomfortable.