Finding me resolve

It's been 6 days since my last post.

I just needed a break. It's not that there isn't anything to say, but I just needed to extend some of my personal detachment into my every day life as well.

Last Friday I attended my first 'Celebrate Recovery' meeting. It was pretty darn good, and there were some kind souls that said "Hello" to me. I had the feeling that many were hurt as well, and just looking for some kind of human contact and conversation in return. Just someone to acknowledge them as well and have their own conversations making sure they could still function as part of the human race without ending in depression, argument, or something else. I'll most likely go back, but unsure if I will go this Friday or not, seeing that it is good Friday.

I'm not going to go to Al-Anon tonight. I've been 4 times now...and well...meh.

I also went to my men's group on Saturday and church on Sunday. Both felt really good.

My dad came by last Friday as well and changed the locks on the house, and I changed the garage door codes. I haven't told my wife yet.

I don't know how much truth is in these statements or not, but supposedly I have heard through the grapevine that my wife has said she misses me, and has done some crying on her own about this situation. However, if she does indeed miss me....she hasn't really made any effort to contact or show me, unless it has to do with bills.

I "think" I had a personal breatkthrough last Saturday though. I'm unsure really...still just taking it one day at a time (and still off the Xanax for a week now), but I "may" have turned a corner.

My wife was infact in town last weekend and wanted to meet me for lunch so that she could sign the taxes and that I could give her the latest EAP mailing so she could file. I met her at a public place (I did not want her at the house) and we had a decent lunch. That being said we broached the subject of us and I stayed strong. I let her know she hurt me. I let her know she was evading her issues and she was pulling the same crap she did with her first husband. I told her she needs help, and if not for in-treatment, or out-patient rehab for alcoholism that at the very least she needs to see her own counsler for her issues. I tried to witness to her as well, asking her to ask God to help her, that her stubborness and vitriol are not getting her anywhere.

She was a little more agreeable to all this, this time around. She ended up crying at the table. I did not. I told her that this B.S. of coming home at 2:30am with no calls and being drunk is not acceptable at her age and with her daughter living with us. That drinking with an open container is not acceptable. That drinking a whole bottle every day is 'not' normal. I asked her if she thought it was, or at least name me someone we know that drinks a whole bottle every single day. She said she understood and has cut waaayyy back. But then again, who knows what that means. I old her that. How would I know what cutting back is? You left! Notice she didn't say she quit....she can't, or isn't ready yet. She still denies she has a drinking problem and says she drinks because of otehr issues. I pointed out that she needs to work on those issues then, that no one is forcing her to drink, and once again, it's everyone else's fault.....not hers. It's mine, her parents, her daughter, her ex, her friends, her work. I told her that is just sounds plain silly and she needs to listen to herself...as if the whole world collectively got up on day and decided randomly, in unison, that we were all going to screw her because we were so bored with our own lives.

Towards the end, she asked me to consider putting the house up for sale in a few months and follow her out there. That we could start over, with no family interference, and get a house twice as big for 1/2 the money.

Um....NO.

That isn't solving any of her issues, it's just relocating them to a new geographic under the guise of starting over. No, I'm not going to leave my work, my parents, my friends, my church for someone who can't even look at herself in the mirror and admit that she has issues. I think when I heard this new idea of hers, I laughed internally and really realized how out of touch she is with the world around her.

We left the lunch with a hug and said she'll see me next week.

See, we got invited to a friends b-day party (many of these people I consider her enablers by the way) and I was going to go, but when she told me she may now be going, I don't think I will. I can't go to a party where it will be awkward for the both of us in front of all these mutual friends plus I know there will be alcohol there. I can;t drink in front of her because that sends the wrong message, and I sure as heck don't want to be a part of any drama if she decides to drink.

Kinda makes me mad, because I RSVP'd a 5 weeks ago. She only RSVP'd a day or 2 ago, and now I may have to skip it to avoid any crap. Well, that's okay I suppose....none of these people have checked in on me to see how I am after I know they all know that my wife bailed. Plus it's Easter the next day, and this year (for the first time in 9 years), I'm going to spend it with 'my' family instead of hers.

Yesterday she texted me that she watched an episode of "King of Queens" and it reminded her of us. I didn't respond. I have no idea what episode, but I see what she is doing now....baiting me into talking about trivial things to smooth things over. Checking the temperature of the room. Nope, not falling for it.

Told my sister-in-law and mother-in-law about our conversation on Saturday. They think she is insane. Well, they said it, not me. They also don't think she is going to seek out a therapist either. Too close for me to make a call either way. If I were in Vegas, I wouldn't be a bet I'd like to take on way or another. So we'll see how serious she is, but I won't be surprised if she drops the ball on that. I'd actually be more surprised if she did.

She is supposed to send me more money this Friday for her bills. We will see. If not, that will be a great excuse for me not to go to the party, because I will be too mad to see her.