Easter 2012

I had a rough weekend.

No bones about it. I really had an emotional weekend. It ranged from bitterness to anger to sadness to heartbroken.

Friday night afterwork I more or less came home and chatted with a few neighbors. Overall not too bad, expect the one nosey neighbor again started asking me questions about me and my wife. Jesus, what is up with you lady? I tried very hard to retain my composure, but finally just said:

"Look...she left me and her daughter. She has a problem. I don't know what she is up to, okay?"

That night I was very restless. I had a very hard time sleeping. I was up every other hour and finally got up just after 3am. Went to my men's group at 6:15 in teh morning, and it just so happens the theme for the day was 'resentment' and 'bitterness' and how to let it go because it's not healthy for us and just eats us up and most likely not the other person. Yeah, very true. I doubt my wife has any problems sleeping most of the time.

I didn't go to the party on Saturday night afterall. I was talked out of it by family and friends. I was also surprised my wife did not call or text me. I suppose is some masochistic way, I was hoping she would, but she didn't.

I became angry that night.

Why again did I have to stay home from a party with my friends and she could go? Why did she treat my birthday as if it didn't happen, but could drive 4 hours to attend a birthday party for a girlfriend of hers? How could she not call me or her daughter or her family? How could anyone be that selfish? How could anyone be that into themselves and their partying ways?

So Saturday I took my dog for a walk, hit the gym, cleaned house, pulled weeds, etc. I was by myself so I had a lot of time to think unfortunately. As the day wore on, my thoughts escalated and compounded, and by late afternoon as I knew the party was about to start and my wife was there and I wasn't, I just got angry. So much for the mornings teaching.

I woke up yesterday and went to church for Easter. It was a good service and ministered to me about problems we all face. It spoke to me, which made me emotional. Yup, yours truly began to shed a tear here and a tear there wondering how I continously find myself in this self-deprecating mood and feeling of utter loss. My family and friends are supportive, but at the same time, wonder why I am so hung up on this woman who has treated me and her family like crap for so long. Every single person, including her own friends, have said to me "How do you do it? Why do you do it?"

I don't know.

At 42 years of age, I'm not sure I understand failure at this level. And even though EVERYONE has told me I DID NOT fail, it doesn't really help me at the end of the day. I still feel like I missed something. Like I could have done more. If I would have only prayed harder. If I was a better husband. If I could provide more.

As I type this, I can't help but think everything I just listed above are all the classic co-dependancy issues described in the book I'm reading. Holy crap. I really am co-dependant and am having a hard time detaching.

This has been the first Easter in 9 years I have not spent with my in-laws, my extended family....my wife. When I got home from church yesterday both my SIL and MIL contacted me. I broke down yet again. I am so sad and angry that my wife is putting me and everyone else through this.

I went down to my parents house yesterday with my dog. My dad and I watched the Masters as my mom cooked an awesome Italian feast.

And finally at the dinner table, I broke down again. Over my manicotti, meatballs, polenta grassa, and salad....I broke down. My parents tried to comfort me and right then I got a text message from my wife "Happy Easter. Sorry you missed the party last night." Oh the irony of timing.

I finally left and was back to my house around 5pm....alone with my dog. My daughter comes back Monday afternoon, and then leaves again for good either Wed or Thursday.

My mom called at 6pm to see how I was doing. Crappy.

She then asked me if I was even remotely considering taking my wife back. I didn't have an answer right away. And then that's when my mom laid into me....in a loving way. She reminded me that my wife has had an ongoing issue for years, and again with her first husband. She reminded me of all the screwups with money, her daughter, her family and that my wife runs from everything. My mom said I will never be happy, that I am just setting myself up for more damage 2-3-4-5 years from now, and by that time we will have been married fro 10 years, and in this state, that means the spouse is entitled to 1/2 of everything.

My mom wants me to file for divorce next week. Awesome wrap-up to Easter wouldn't you say? She wants me to get away from my wife once and for all and says she will be no part of allowing her back into my parents life. She said my wife has caused too many people too much damage over the years and she can't deal with it anylonger. I can't say I disagree looking back over the years.

Oh, and the money my wife said she was going to deposit this past week for her share of the taxes....nope...haven't seen a dime yet.

Why do I torture myself? Everyday that passes where my wife does NOTHING to rectify her life or repair relationships with her family or me is just another sign she doesn't give a rip about anyone except herself.

Explative, explative, explative.