Friday

It's early Friday afternoon, and nothing new to report.

My dad came by and took my dog for the night, so that frees me up to go to the gym after work, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, play a video game when I get home at 9:15 (or so), hit the hay and be on my way for tomorrow's day ride excursion with me friend.

They say "no news is good news", so in that regard I've not heard from my wife since Wed evening now.  Nor from my lawyer, or anyone else.  I hate sitting in limbo.

I've brought my headphones back to work and started to re-listen to "Codependant No More", and read my devotionals today.

At lunch, I went for a walk.  I created a radio station on my Droid called "America" using Pandora.  I sat under a tree I had walked to about two blocks away from work and just listened to these soft classic rocks ballads of the 70's.  Many of the songs are so pretty, and the lyrics so poignant.  A few of them were pretty apropos as they sung about lost loves, heartache, and of all things....cheating. 

I'm not making light of it, but I think it is kinda weird that this is what my ears are attuned to right now, or selectively hearing or filtering through.

Mom called me afterwork yesterday as I drove home.  Wanted to know how I was doing.  What does she expect? "Hey, everything is just awesome.  I'm serving my wife papers.  My marriage is ending.  I'm heading back to an empty house and packing boxes of clothes and memories.  Taking pictures off the wall.  How are you?"

Ick.

Praying that God now softens and works on my own heart.  I'm feeling bitter and angry today and I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I need to work on forgiveness, but it just seems so hard right now.  I'm actually deflecting it altogether if I'm being honest with myself.  I'm trying not to think about it, so I don't have to think about forgiveness.

It's been over three months now since I've been intimate with my wife.  Not sure why I'm sharing that with you.  It's waaaaaayyyyy too early to even consider dating anyone right now, but I can't help but thinking about certain aspects of relationships, and trying to figure out when the appropriate amount of time needs to pass before I even consider putting myself back out there.  3 months?  6 months?  When the divorce is over?  Probably the latter.  That's the "right" thing to do, but it feels strange not to have a partner after 10 years.  And now I have to wrestle with the idea if I am emotionally cheating before my marriage is officially over, and if so, does that not equate me to my wife?

I'm over-analyzing again today.  Actually, I think I'm just talking just to tlak.  Filling space because somehow I feel obligated to journal this crap.  It's not making any real sense to me either, so don't feel bad if you're lost...heck, you should be in my mind right now.  Everything in there is chaos right now.