Discoveries

Discoveries.

Today's title just popped into my head.  There was no forethought or planning involved, but it seems apropos as I type this...multiple explanations already racing to the forefront of my frontal lobe.

Discoveries.

Last night was about discoveries.

As I came home to pack up what I thought was just one more box of my wife's clothing, it actually turned into three (I can't believe how much I underestimated how much clothing she actually had) and with certain items memories came flooding back:  I remember when she wore this dress for the first time.-or- I loved this denim jacket of hers. -or- I recall her wearing this when we went on vacation that one year.  Just certain items, not all of them.

And then I found a box under our bed from the day she got let go from her work a year ago.  Inside were all this miscellaneous work related garbage that only would make sense to her, but then I came across some of my old letters to her when we first dated and early on in our marriage.  Some of them I remember writing, some of them I don't...but she kept them (or maybe she even forgot herself and just stuffed them in a drawer).

There were also pictures of me, of us, of family gatherings.  Boy did I look young 9 years ago.  I still had dark hair.  Not so much grey as I do now.  My wife looked good too.  We looked happy. 

I took all the pictures that were of me and us together.  I'm not sure why, but I don't want her having anything of me right now.  Maybe I've seen too many TV shows were the ex throws darts at the guy, or burns them at a bonfire with all her girlfriends standing around in a circle with a bottle of red wine.  Maybe I want her to know that I went through her stuff and I'm 'scrubbing' myself from her life.  Maybe I'm being childish.  Maybe I want to keep those as memories of happier times that one day I can look back at fondly.

Maybe a combination of all of the above.

I discovered that I didn't cry.  I mean, I wasn't happy or thrilled or anything like that, but I wasn't devastated either.  I was more morose and melancholy and business like.  I looked at the process as just getting rid of "stuff", looking forward to having more space and less reminders.  It's liberating in a weird way to see all these boxes being packed up and soon to be gone.

My dog was indifferent.  This time he really didn't even bother to smell her stuff.

I did the same to Facebook last night as well.  I began deleting and untagging pictures of us or her in my albums.  Don't ask me why...I just did.

I still haven't received a reply regarding the $174 in CC payments I covered for her.  But she did get a cancellation warning from the auto insurance company yesterday if she doesn't pay within the next week.  She just got that policy a month ago, and already isn't paying them on time.  Thank God it's in her name and I'm in no way attached to her policy.  Yup...42 years old...and completely irresponsible

My SIL called me and said that my wife went on a rant yesterday on her own FB status, and no one knows why.  Something about looking at lie through rose colored glasses, and people should mind their own business and keep advice to themselves, and that there is two sides to every story and she's right and misunderstood, or whatever.

I discovered that I didn't care as much as I thought I would. 

I admit I actually chuckled.  It's good to know that as much as things change, they also stay the same.

It goes to show that she still can't find happiness no matter where she runs to.  It shows me she's still an 'angry' person in general and I began to wonder how much of my depression over the years was a result of living with someone who is just plain angry and unhappy in general.  I know I'm co-dependant, and as I type this I am continuing to discover just how intertwined my life and mental well being is/was affected by her overall attitude and personality.  Let the next guy pay for her never ending financial pickles.  Let the next guy deal with her coming home and leaving whenever she wants to.  Let him deal with the agony she causes with her daughter and family.  Let him deal with her belief that the world is out to get her and she can do no wrong.

It's supposed to rain later today and tonight.  I have lunch with two of my guy friends today, and when I get home a nice hot dinner and cozy up on the couch with my dog and drink some hot tea as we listen to the pitter-patter on the roof.  I may even light my fireplace.