Trying out Therapists

What an awkward and uncomfortable process.

Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.

Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.

Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.

The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.

The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.

Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.

Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"

Bah....this whole process sucks.