Falling

I'm starting to exhibit the signs of a mini-meltdown again, and the last few days have been increasingly hard for me to feel any source of positive emotions.

Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.

Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.

Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.

Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.

My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.

Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.

I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.

Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.

So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.

And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.

The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.

So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.

I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.

I cried this morning.

And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.

My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.

Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.

I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.

My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.