Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.

My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.

That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.

As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.

Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.

The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.

I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.

So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.

The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?

It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.

My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.

My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.

I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.

I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.

That's all for now.