Therapy, Part Duex

Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for just over two weeks now (although I did forget to take one this morning), and I'm not sure they have kicked in or not. This past week especially I've had a lot of physical anxiety, precursor to a full fledged panic attack, on at least three seperate days now. This past Saturday was the worst where I broke down and took a pill to combat the feeling. Otherwise a steady stream of exercising, breathing exercises, and intense prayer only seem to have a temporary effect on me. My birthday sucked. That was two weeks ago, and for those that are wondering....no, I did not get anything, not even a card from my wife. On the 17th, instead of drinking green beer and 'whupping' it up at any watering hole, I was instead at therapy. I planned on an hour session and it came to be closer to an hour and half, maybe slightly more. There was a lot of self-pity and crying, but it felt good to get it out. The therapist gave me a book to borrow, "Don't seat the small stuff: For couples". The following few days, I devoured that book and it made a lot of sense....in the moment. But as is usually the case, mere hours after a temporary reprieve, I start feeling crappy again, a small ball of anxiety and sadness manifesting within my chest....sometime making it uncomfortable to breathe. I've realized I am so scared of rejection...of being alone...of taking the steps to start over yet again. Whereas divorce never entered my vocabulary a few years ago, the thought is populating my head more and more often. I have so much love to give someone, and the desire to share and to be wanted by my wife or anyone. I'm a decent looking guy. I actually got hit on the other day and it made me feel good, but then again, it wasn't my wife...the person I swore "For better or for worse, till death do us part". I know I could remarry...someday....but I don't want to. I don't understand why my wife is so hot and cold. After my session, the therapist asked me to ask my wife to attend the following week. To my surprise, my wife agreed. However, the session did not go as I envisioned it. I really...honestly....really tried to steer away from financial talk, but the therapist sensed a hot button and pushed. Once again, my (or our) hour session went almost 2 full hours with me crumbling near the end and realizing how resentful my wife is when it comes to the topic of money. But everytime I hear my wife explain or attempt to talk about it, I am always in utter shock on how much denial she is in when it comes to her part and responsibility for 'our' current situation. Even the therapist tried to point things out to her, but she wasn't hearing it, or if she was, it was in one ear and out the other. We are supposed to go again today at 5:30 and I'm looking forward to it. Just so I can release again. Hopefully my wife remembers. We were given a HW assignment from the therapist this past week. We were supposed to write each other a note everyday and place it for the other to find. A compliment. A word of encouragement. A loving word. I managed to do it 3 times for my wife. She never acknowledged any of them. In return she never wrote me one note. I'm hurt. This morning I awoke early from stress. I laid in bed, my eyes once again filling up with tears. I tried to hide them by washing my face with a wash cloth. My wife never noticed. Now that I sit and write this entry and look back over the past two weeks, I realize how hard I have tried...........and how little my wife has, if at all. I can't continue like this. Perhaps I do need to call that lawyer afterall next week. God...I hate my life right now again.