I've really been flip flopping emotionally this Christmas. Generally, I tend to look forward to the Christmas break, Christmas itself, and family. Still no lights on the house and we didn't send out one card this year. Not one.
There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.
It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.
I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.
I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.
I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.
I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.
I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?
It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.
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