Well, another week has gone by and we still have zero Christams decoration up. That's both inside and out. No lights outside, no tree inside.
My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.
I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.
So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.
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A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.
As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.
It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.
And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.
Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?
1 comment:
Breathe... just breathe. This time of year gets to us all, in different ways...
You're not bending to your Aunt's will - you are being considerate of her "needs" and yes, keeping the peace. Sometimes it is just better than unnecessary confrontations or ill feelings to just do what needs to be done where family is concerned. (As they say, you can't choose your family.)
Sounds like with all of the stress and so-on that you & your wife have lost some of the simple intimacy in your relationship... (I'm honestly guilty of this, too and need to heed my own advice here!) It is hard sometimes after work and additional home responsibilities to find that time to simply be near your spouse... Sometimes just sitting next to each other on the couch - that nearness, comfort etc. Even just a hug or brief shoulder rub in passing in the kitchen can make a huge difference... Like I said, I'm guilty of not making the effort in my own home - and I can relate you your feeling of being totally tired... and when you are that tired, you just want someone else to do something - anything... Anyhow - your post has reminded me that often times both spouses miss that touch, and it's time for me to muster up some extra effort in that department again...tired or not. Thank you.
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