Tired and looking for a pick-me-up

Last night I didn't sleep very well, and then this morning I didn't want to get up at all or go to work. I'm afraid sometimes to call in sick and take a 'personal day', especially since we just had the holidays and I already experienced short weeks.

Anyway, I stared at the TV until at least midnight, woke up every few hours, and finally was up by 6:30am. I figured I averaged maybe 5.5 hours last night of slumber, and I just stared at the alarm clock watching time tick by until the inevitable....getting up out of my cozy bed and going to a job where I am not treated as an equal or have many friends.

A vast difference from my old job where I got along with most everybody. Now it seems I punch in and punch out, and many of the perks and social interactions are now absent in my life. I also feel as if this is a dual edged sword. I miss my friends, some of the excitement, but I also like the 'alone' factor at times and the ability to detach myself more easily. With less friends here, I do find myself more productive and less involved in certain drama, but at times also bored.

I took a long lunch today, and I don't think anybody noticed. Usually it's just an hour long, but I was able to stretch it to about 1.5 hours, maybe a bit more. I enjoyed a nice lunch, able to read, and enjoy a some nice tea.

This morning was unusually busy for me with 'urgent', yet not-really-urgent issues. It was a little hectic, and I was happy to leave for lunch.

Tea is underated. I had a very nice Ice Tea infused rose petals. It had a unique taste; bold and mellow and fresh all at the same time. It was a gourmet tea, and I pretended it 'cleansed' away the toxins of sin and worry and depression from my soul.

I went to Costco thereafter, not sure I was going to buy myself anything. In the end I didn't, but I was tempted to buy a CD or DVD or book or software or some electronic thingy. Then I realized that 'buying' something usually makes me feel happier whether I need it or not. I remember watching various news stories over the years about compulsive shoppers, who buy just to 'buy', for that small does of euphoria that follows. It really isn't materialism I think, not in the bad sense. I'm not sure what it is really, but it seems to release endorphins or seratonin to buy something new.

I didn't want to go back to work thereafter. I was so tempted just to sit in a lounge chair by myself at Costco. To feel the air conditioning on my skin and sit in a comfy chair and not be bothered by anyone, and not to return to work. I imagined myself reading, or playing a game again, my mind detached from the present reality. I imagined sitting at home watching a movie or playing with my dog, or just going to bed. I also imagine have a delicious one-of-a-kind dinner right now. To be caught up in the moment of tasting something so delicious.

I was thinking of when I get depressed, what are the kind of things that pick me up:

• I love strategy games. I usually have to play solo ones or against a computer becuase most of my friends don't like anything to complicated.
• I like to buy little gadgets. Little toys or cool little gizmos.
• I like to experience new cuisines and drinks. Something out of the ordinary to tantalize my taste buds and really savor the flavor and experience.
• I enjoy reading. To be alone lost in a fictious world for a period of time.
• Working with my hands whether it be cooking, wood-working, building or repairing something.
• Learning. I enjoy trivia and like to understand how things work, how they interact, how things are designed and intended to be used, the history behind them.
• Lastly, I'm afraid to admit I like to have a few drinks. They say alcohol is a depressent, and I agree. I usually don't feel to good in the long run after drinking and sometimes it does bring repressed emotions to the surface, some I don't wish to experience. But the taste of a nice micro-brew and it altering effects are indeed desireable at times.

Later today I go to see a 'shrink'. I've been thinking about our little get togther the last two days and I have no idea where I am to start today. It seems today I just don't care about a lot of things. The last time I saw my 'shrink' I cried for a bit, and the time before that I was angry. So, I've been angry then sad, and today indifferent. Isn't the human mind a funny thing?