Dealings with death

Earlier this week I wrote about death, and my fasciantion with it and I never really got to the meat of the matter.

I am attending a funeral tomorrow for a 31 year old young man.

He passed unexpectedly a few days after Christmas.

His father is a very important figure in my life, and had many dealings with me over the years on spirituality, and helped me comes to terms with other low points in my life including some early symptoms of depression.

I wish somehow, someway, I could return the favor. The best I can think of right now is to attend the funeral in respect though I didn't know his son very well.

Though I have yet to speak to the family, I have heard through thr grapevine that they are doing as well as can be expected I suppose, but feel comforted that their son is now in paradise, seeing that they are a strong Christian family.

I wish I could say in all honesty that's were all good people go and those that are saved in Christ's name, and feel that comfort. I'm sure thats exactly where this young man is and I have mixed feelings about thsi whole situation. I seem divided on happiness, sadness, and envy.

Of course I am sad for the parents, especially my mentor. Who wants to bury their own child? I'm also bothered that he can't share any further the things we take for granted here on earth...a nice 5 star meal, the next sunset, a good book or movie, the embrace of a lovers touch.

I'm also happy that he passed supposedly quickly, not knowing the horrors of cancer and the emotional turmoil of a terminal prognosis. No more watching the crappy news and see how thsi world is falling apart. No day to day struggles, no more secular competition atteh job place and wondering how the future is going to play out.

I'm also envious. Envious that he knows no more pain and doesn't need to care about the trivial things anymore. He's in the presence of of pure joy and our Creator. He has begun his journey and reward of everlasting love and peace with God, something I cannot even comes to grips with but so desperately want.

I'm crying now, and I'm not sure why. My tears are of pain and lonliness and of envy. Of course I want to live to see the next day, but I also just realized how tired I am of everything again. I can only use 1/10th of my brain now to maybe idealize what paradise may be like and yet I know I cannot even come close.

God does not want us to be said, nor to mourn, but be joyous of life now and for our brothers and sisters in heaven.

I cannot decide how to feel, other than helpless.