Unforeseen nervousness.

"Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you." (Psalms 55:22)

That seems to be a recurring theme that keeps popping up in my studies, casual conversations, or just my plain 'ole mind the last few weeks.

I guess it is somewhat apropos in the sense that this seems to be my largest personal stumbling block.

Yesterday, I did not have a great day, and I may have worked myself up into a tizzy for nothing. Perhaps only as yet another test from God and how I would react and handle myself. Needless to say I do not believe I fared so well given limited information.

A coworker of mine, whom I trust completely, shared with me what I perceived as a troubling email in which I was the subject. It seems that my supervisor whom I have almost zero contact with on a weekly basis inquired to my friend and another coworker on what my strengths and weaknesses were. Basically that was the whole message and wanted them to respond on how they felt about my recent performances I suppose.

Only the Lord knows how hard I work, and the week prior to Christmas I was slammed covering for others who were out of of the office. My workload was double for the week, and as these things go, many of these issues seemed to have garnered high visibility.

I think for the most part I handled myself and most of the issues fairly well. All things considered, I had very little if any help on these issues. So I do believe one or two matters were unsolved,....not for a lack of trying....but more due to the fact I had zero support, no one on the other end, or they were geographically unattainable. Most likely these were viewed as negative marks against me. Doesn't matter that I solved many more in a timely and professional manner. I could have done 20 things correctly and speedily, but it is that one that will stick out like a sore thumb.

To make matters worse, though my one coworker is very fair and stands up for me, the other is a master of deflecting issues and blaming others. No doubt in my mind that this other person probably pointed out in an exaggerated manner my shortcomings, all while forgetting to mention my load was double and I had no support.

I was very troubled by all this yesterday, even though the supervisor has yet to speak with me, or mention why he seeking out information from others my strengths and weaknesses. Does he feel I am not pulling my weight? Does he have a one-sided impression about me? Why hasn't he spoken with me yet if he has some concerns so we could talk about it?

I do not know these things, or even if this whole episode is a negative mark heading my direction. The point is, I took it that way and allowed it to ruin the rest of my day. I immediately got defensive (and still am as I write this) and my mood turned sour. It nagged at my mind all evening long and I asked God numerous times to allow me to 'let it go', for I cannot do anything or address what I do not know.

I prayed numerous times about this yesterday, and last night, and again this morning. The worst case scenario, and this is my biggest fault, is that this is some way to set me up to fire me, though unlikely, still possible. Why is it my mind always goes to the worst possible place when faced with these tid-bits I have no control over?

It is because I still live in fear.

I fear how people perceive me. I fear that people have the wrong impression of me because of others who would like to see me fail. I fear because the Enemy knows I dwell on my own self-doubts and this is a continuous way to attack me. I fear that no matter how hard I try, people are only concerned when I stumble or make an innocent mistake. I fear that life is indeed 'unfair'.

When I got home last night, I had a drink. Actually three over the course of the evening and went to bed fairly early. Why? Because I was bummed out and I wanted the day to be over. And here I am now, still worrying about this where I had to write this entry, and having to re-read the scripture: Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you.