Let it Go

"But if my total dependance is on the Lord, I have the freedom to release the burden. The promise is that He will daily bear it. We are to cast all our burdens on Him, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7)"

Once again, in my logical sense I believe this statement to be true, however, my heart and emotions that I succumb to wish to fight this statement.

Because I fight this on an emotional level, two things stare me in the face: 1) I have not released my burdens 100%, 2) I do not have total dependance on the Lord. Ergo, if I do not have total dependance on the Lord, then my faith is not pure. I am allowing my mind and the enemy to cast doubt within my heart.

And since I have not released my burdens 100%, then I cannot be truly free and happy. I will continously be plagued by self-doubt, fear of the unknown, lack of trust, endlessly searching for joy.

Man, that sucks.

I just read that last statement of mine again and feel hopelessness to endure self-imposed misery. I really have to get over this stuff. But I feel I am running out of prayers to pray. Almost like a catch-22. The more I pray about it, the more I think about, and the more I recognize my shortcomings. If I don't acknowledge the pain and do something about it, it'll get worse anyway. Seems like a no-win situation, unless I do indeed give over all control to God, which got me here in the first place.

~~~~~~

It's Christmas in three days and I still feel indifferent. The only excitement I feel right now is that I will have an extra day or two off from work, and I will get some yummy food, but other than that, I am missing out on remembered feelings of Christmas past.

I don't have much more to say on this.