My eyes burn....

....from all the crying last night.

And again this morning when I woke up.

And yet again an hour ago as I was on the phone with a behavioral counseler and had to answer the question: "Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself? Are you having suicidal thoughts?"

In which I replied: "No.....I just do not want to wake up."

And now I think about that answer, at that moment it seemed right. It was the truth for that instant in time. Now I wonder whey I said that. I'm too afraid to hurt myself anyway, and I do not wish to cut this life short. I mean it is the only brief stopping point in my mortal shell before I can be free...forever.

Do I hate life? No. No I don't. However, my daily existance right now really sucks. I am being truthful though that I hope I do go to heaven; that my faith in Jesus is strong enough to warrant my name written in the Book of Life. How I long to be free of the the mental strain. I do not like to cry. I do not like to feel sorry for myself. I do not like this feeling of emptiness and sadness and depression and guilt and worry. It makes me tired. But sleep is restless, and even a few hours in slumber is only a minor commercial break until the drama starts all over again.

I called in a perscription today for my Lexapro. I'm currently out. I want a drink too right now as well. I also want to run away. Visions of sitting in an open summer field, sipping on lemonade, breathing in the temperate air, listening to the sounds of nature....closing me eyes and wondering.....'What if? Yes, What if I made other decisions? What does make me happy?'

My spouse and I argued last night. Well, I guess arguing means that two people banter back and forth disagreeing on a common subject. That really was not the case. It was more of me sitting down and listening to how I have changed this last year. How I was the one who is selfish, how I was the one who turned into a recluse. How I have gone 'crazy, nuts, sick and no longer any fun'. Why our friends don't call anymore is because I am a downer. I am told it was my parents and the way they raised me, I was told I over-analyze, I was told I was better when I was a stupid drunk, I was told I cannot let go of the past. I was told I was broken in the head. I was told much, much more.

And I sat, and I listened. I tried to object or get a word in on occasion, but the sarcasm directed back hurt more than any slap in the face or any broken bone I have ever had.

I sat an endured....not by choice. Raising my voice or getting violent would have just made things worse, not that could get much worse in my book anyway. Well, I guess the slightly overt threat of leaving me did make it worse.

I silently prayed. The whole time I listened on how I was the cause of everything wrong in our marriage right now, both intimately and socially, I prayed to Jesus to give me strength. Strength to love my wife, to hear what she said and let the bitterness inside of me drip away, and also the bitterness in her be softened. I never want to hurt her.

Funny really....I am told I do not open up, but when I do, I am quickly beat down on how wrong I am. Makes me even want to build my walls even higher, my skin thicker, but deep down inside it hurts. It kills. It wrenches my heart and my mind and I have to wonder where my Christ is right now. Why does He allow me to face such emotional hardships? Where have I failed Him? Where has my faith faltered? Why does the enemy keep getting a hold of me and push my buttons in the guise of my loved ones....the ones I look towards for support?

I'm going home in a few hours. I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid. I walk on egg shells. I pray and I pray and I pray, yet I feel like I'm sinking further and further into the abyss.

Yes my eyes burn and are red. Today is just another day. Another day lost just like the day before. Christmas is in 11 days from now and I don't even care. To me, I am not sure what happiness is there. Does my wife really appreciate the gifts I get her, or does she feel its just obligatory on my behalf. The gifts she gives me....Are they from her heart and soul, or just her obligation and not predicated on love.

I am stopping right now because my thoughts are becomming more and more incoherent. A jumble of random musings and knee-jerk emotions that I cannot seem to focus on.