Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 6-7)
I am not convinced that by writing it down on paper that I will be sort through the madness which is my overly complex thought process on just about everything. Please, take no offense at this next statement but at times I wish I were indeed simple-minded. I often wonder if simple-minded individuals are more content with life because they aren't keenly aware of the interconnectedness of everything else?
Where to begin?
My grandfather is not doing so well. He fell last week and dislocated his shoulder. Although he didn't break anything, he is becoming too weak to care for himself. His Dr. has placed him in a rehabilitation facility which I assume he thinks he will be getting out of in a few days or weeks. However, my parents and my aunt & uncle wish to keep him there indefinitely because he needs constant care now. He's even having trouble going to the restroom and having more and more "accidents' as of late. Personally, I do not believe he has much time left and I don't even know where to begin to say my goodbyes or wish that he finds the Lord.
Then two timezones away, I have learned my grandmother is also not doing well and is on a waiting list herself to go to a final home. It appears she is throwing in the towel as well and wishes to spend her final days in a 'facility' as well. At least she is a believer, but its hard for me to comprehend my life losing two more family members shortly and I am so far away from one, and have enough going on in my own drama it's hard for me to visit the other one, and the guilt I seem to be developing over that.
A gentleman from one of my groups recently fell off the wagon, and cut himself, on purpose....bad enough where he needed 50 stitches in his arm. Because he has no insurance, the hospital refused to put him under watch for 72 hours and let him go back into the wild. I tried calling him yesterday, but got no answer or no call back.
As a surprise when I came home from work, I saw that my wife's car was at the end of my street...obviously visiting neighbors....which she has every right to do, but it immediately sent me into a funk, putting me on high alert for the rest of the evening. I have no idea why I act a fool, but I caught myself looking out my window every 30 to 45 minutes or so to see if she left or not. She left somewhere around 9:30pm last night. And although I did not see her, had no interaction with her, I felt uptight and anxious the rest of the night. And even emotional.
I hadn't had any contact with her since our meeting back in April and thought I was personally moving on. I will even admit I "thought" I deserved a few atta-boys and high-fives for being able to function these last 6 weeks or so, but it became pretty damn clear that after last night and gauging both my behavior and thoughts.....I am no better off than before.
It was so bad, I even had a dream about her again, and in this dream she was as cold and nasty as she has been the last few years, and even in this unconscious state I wanted to avoid upsetting her, wondering what I could do to make her happy...and I realized there was nothing I could do.
Needless to say, today, it is taking all my energy and will power not to break down in front of my employees and sob. I take that back...my eyes have been tearing up on and off since 8:30am, and that was only 5 hours ago.
There is so much good things in my life, yet I continually allow things that are out of my control to dominate my thoughts and sour my emotions where I am 220lb, 5'10" 43year old man who feels like I am a pimply 13yo tween who got turned down at the dance....but multiply that by 10 fold.
What the ____ happened to me? Why can't I shake this funk, this depression, this crap that stalks me like a lion waiting to devour as soon as I blink?
My mom wants to take me to dinner tonight. Usually I don't like her to see me like this....I want to be strong and show her I am okay....but right now I am embarrassed to say I do indeed want my mom. I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run away. The mental pressure is starting to build up inside and I need a release.
1 comment:
You do have a lot going on... Have dinner with your mom, and talk it through some more. She might be able to help you work through some of your feelings at least where your grandparents are concerned. As far as worrying about what your wife is up to at the neighbors, I think it's only natural... heck, if I were you, and based what you've shared about her, I'd have half been expecting someone to come pounding at the door at some awful hour... She was either just paying a social visit, or digging for info on what they've been able to observe about your activities... at any rate, being uncomfortable with knowing she was down the street sounds legit to me!!
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