Admitedly, I am not a huge 'bike' fan. I don't even own a bike of any type, and I could not tell you who has ever won the Tour de France if it wasn't for Mr. Armstrong and his 'legacy', now tainted.
There's a lot of talk this week about his upcoming interview with Oprah, not that I watch or care for her network either, about his finally coming 'clean' about his alleged doping over the years. I never believed him in the first place, I always though he was doping, but other than a passing thought, I never paid anymore than 10 seconds attention to it over the years.
But this week, his upcoming confession, seems to be the talk of the sports world. To me,something else hit me altogther different.
I've been reading some passing commentaries on him, and even some status updates from friends on Facebook regading his interview to be shown later this week, and the topic of forgiveness came up.
There's a lot of people who seem to want to forgive him, and that's good. There's also, as to be expected, a vocal minority that won't. Saying he's had chance, after chance, after chance and how could he ever be trusted again?
Maybe, maybe not...but to keep things in perspective, biking is just a sport. And what is a sport, but a game afterall? Are we saying we never cheated at a game? Never cheated at Monoploy or Chutes and Ladders as kid? Never but in a secret code on a video game to gain some benefit that would help us achieve our goal...an exploit?
I suppose it doesn't matter. Cheating, no matter how trivial, is cheating....and cheating therefor is a lie. And a lie is a sin.
But I'm not here about fire & brimstone today. Not getting on a soapbox about sin.
But I am going to talk about forgiveness...and who better to falls short than the guy typing out this entry, the guy in the mirror.
I am no saint. I am flesh and blood. Born into this world, no better nor no worse than anyone before or after me.
In my life, I have made many mistakes. Some innocent ones, some calculated ones....but each time I sought forgiveness. Not only from the the person I may have hurt, intentionally or not, but also forgiveness from my Lord. Each and everytime I have fallen, God has been true to His word: "Child, you are forgiven."
Colossians 3:13, Mathew 6:14-14 & 18:21-35, Luke 3:3, Acts 13:38-39, Hebrews 9:22, 1 John 1:8-9 are just a smattering of verses talking about forgivness.
Colossians tells us, no, commands us to "Forgive those that offend us (i.e. sin against us), because the Lord our God has forgiven you.".
So why am I having an issue with it as of late?
I do not want to carry out the rest of my days as a bitter person. I've seen the emotional damage and hardening of the heart it can do first hand. My grandfather never forgave my grandmother for having an affair and leaving him some 50+ years ago. My grandfather is 95 years old, and he still carries a certain bitterness towards the whole thing and you can see the agitation in his eyes even today. He never remarried.
I don't want to be that guy.
Truth be told, because my blog is about my truth, I want to forgive my estranged wife...but I can't tell if I have or haven't yet. The fact that I can't tell, should be a clear sign that apparently I haven't. And that's both sad and a shame.
This past week I had another dream about her. And last night I had a dream about my step-daughter. I am constantly thinking about my inlaws, who turned....who said they are dissapointed in me because I haven't forgiven their daughter.
I don't know how to repsond to that mindset. On the one hand, they are correct.....That's where the line between forgive and forget are blurred. I want to release her for I know for as much as she *may* have changed (little evidence of such), I don't want my future to be cloudy to others accepting me because I can't let go of the past. I try to 'forgive' daily, but that doesn't mean I forgot the pain I have endured: the leaving, the untruths, the ridiculous accusations, the tit-for-tat mentality.
Looking back at everything else in my life, I have done a lot of forgiving this past year. I have let go of quite a many things that have plagued me for years, if even decades. I really don't think much about those things anymore. I'd like to think I've attempted to mend every fence out there, and if I haven't, at least I can't think of any that keep me up at night.
That being said, I do find myself harboring...let's just say "not positive" feelings...towards my ex-wife. I do not hate her. I do not wish ill will or harm to her. In a way, I will always love her. But she did infact mess me up....big time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, even two years ago.
Many, and I mean many, peopel have told me I am better off. They recall incidents that they said made them feel uncomfortable when they saw my wife act a certain way, usually under the influence, especially actions towards me. I know my contemplations on the matter is still cloudy, because truthfully I don't always see it...but perhaps I was already used to it, numb to it, accepting of it already for so long it was the norm to me.
There are two new ladies in my life now, but I'm gunshy to act on anything right now. First, my 'divorced' friend is moving out here in a about 2 weeks. Yes, she actually is...and she's been talking to me a bit more frequently as of late...perhaps 'probing' the overall situation to ascertain if there is any future at all. The other is a person I met at Celebrate Recovery....who is divorced herself, but with 3 teenage daughters, one of which is already in college. She isn't looking for me to take care of her, and she knows 'everything' about my current situation and still accepts me...and even supportive. I look at her in amazement and realize she has been more open, supportive and caring in the last few months than my wife has been the last few years. We actually have a lot in common, but she cannot have anymore children...and I'm a bit leary that her 'financial' stability is a bit questionable. That's one thing I cannot deal with anymore....I spent 10 years being someone's financial rock...who took and took and took and never returned. I can't go through that again.
Okay, I'm kinda rambling now, so let me bring it back home.
Forgiveness.
Do onto others, as we would like done to us. That includes forgiveness. What's past is past and cannot be changed, but that doesn't mean I have to be bitter about it, because if I am bitter, then I have allowed that person to steal my joy.
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