And it drags on

Sometimes it is takes all of what little energy I have left not to stand up in the middle of the day, look to the heavens, scream, and just go home.

Divorce is so, so ugly.

And not because I dislike the other person, hate them, wish them ill, seek retribution, or to get even.  A lot of times I just wish I would wake up to find the last few years was a bad dream and didn't take place at all.

Yesterday, my lawyer contacted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do as my next step.

Huh?

The last time I spoke with him was 3.5 weeks ago, and I told him lets go for a settlement and he's said he start drafting the papers.  I have this in writing as we generally exchange emails.  I read his email again, thinking I may have missed something or read it wrong.  Nope...I let it it sink in for a few minutes.

For the last 3.5 weeks I was under the impression he was moving forward and preparing a draft to present to her lawyer.  Back when we started this whole thing in April, I made it very clear...I want this wrapped up by the holidays.

Well, it is quite apparant to me that nothing got done the last few weeks.  Nothing.  It's like my whole divorce proceeding went on sabbatical and no one bothered to tell me.

So I called him up.  "What the hell man?  I thought my last communication with you, Oct 16, made it bery clear."

"Well, I suggest you talk to your wife and try to negotiate things so we can avoid court."

WTF?  Why didn't you make that clear to me back then?  I made a whoel list of what I wanted, and was very liveral in my concessions to her, just to let her go and be happy.  I was more than fair, giving/offering her "stuff" I either don't need, don't care about, or things I bought before our marriage I am letting go for free....no strings attached.

Sigh...so 3.5 weeks wasted irked me to begin with, so I took a chance to call her.  I wanted to be cordial, to be nice.  Asked her how her day is going.  Didn't ask her for any money, even the stuff she offered and never paid.  I didn't even mention how the CC companies began calling the house again looking for her.

I explained to her the situation.  She said, "Go to court."

What?  You want to spend money you don't have, or don't need too just so you can get, what, satisfaction of vengenance you think you desrve?

Pretty much.

She then went on to tell me how I am not giving her a chance.  That she fixed herself, but I am being stubborn, and I need therapy in actuality.

What?  You spent 7 days playing with crayons at a ranch, and not even for alcohol.  And I need fixing?  You think that you're fixed?  You forgive me?  WHAT??  Um, this conversation right here shows me that infact you aren't fixed, because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH DENIAL, and as USUAL, it is EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT, not yours.

I then pointed out that in fact the banks were calling for her, and she said "These things take time."  Are you kidding me?  How is it it took me 2 days to get all my crap resteeled with the banks and CC companies....and it is taking you 8 months?  Do you even hear yourself?  Are you really that disconnected?  This is what I am talking about...it takes any 'normal' person 20 minutes of phone calls one day to get this shit straightened out...you are 8 months into it, and you haven't even tried.  Is that how you changed?  If so, you need to tell your parents to go back to the ranch and demand their money back.

And of course she "says" she forgives me for things and let the past be the past, but every discussion I've had with her....guess where we go?  BINGO...she brings up the past.  Yeah, you've really let go of it, and yeah, your really learned foregiveness.  Unbelievable.

I was a little mad when I got off the phone with her, but as the day wore on, I came to realize she really hasn't changed deep down.  She may have on the surface, or at least for appearance sake for the benefit of her parents and sister...but she is still irresponsible (perhaps not drunk), still doesn't understand foregiveness or the concept of moving on, still has a warped sense of reality...oh, and to top it all off, she's leaving the "dream" job in three weeks she was so excited about in August.  And no back up in place right now.

Yeah, and you want me to take you back...In three weeks you will have no job....again....by your own design.  Now with no unemeployment, no healthcare, and debt.  Too bad you didn't listen to your "idiot" husband and family back when the advice was free. 

If anything, I am depressed I was so blind despite all the warnings, that this person lives in her own universe.