Thanksgrieving

So this is what the beginning of the holiday season is starting to feel like during a seperation.

It sucks.

Thanksgiving was a little tough for me.  It was the first time in 10 years I had not spent with my wifes family.  No large meal at tables that seat almost 15+.  No nephews.  No daughter.  It also just happened to be my Mother-in-laws birthday.  As much as it hurt to pick up the phone, I went ahead and called her cell phone (she didn't pick up) and left her a Happy Birthday message (I also have received no reply). 

While the "no reply" is understandable...I'm a bit dissapointed and hurt on how things have now turned sour on their end (not mine) and I have fallen out of favor despite the fact I'm not the one with the myriad of issues and decades worths of poor decision making.

So I walked my dog, caught up on some taped shows, went to the gym and tried to keep myself as busy as possible until I was to meet my parents at 4pm.  By the time 4pm rolled around, I would have already been at my inlaws for a couple of hours, helping my Father-in-law cook as I've done the last 10 years.  Now I am at home, alone, sitting idle.

My parents and I went to one of their friends house for Thanksgiving for the first time.  It was nice, but it just wasn't the same to me.  I was a little quiet and reserved.  Despite everyones good intentions and the feast in front of us offered up in love...my mind sometimes drifted elsewhere....to the Thanksgiving I was not at. 

But one thought did occur to me (and more than once):  I missed my inlaws, my nephews, my daughter, my extended family.....but I didn't so much miss my wife.  I didn't miss her smoking, nor did I miss her trying to embarass me with lame (and oft exagerated) stories of the past, or watching her down glass after glass of wine.

I was home by 7:30pm that night, watched a bit more TV, and went to bed.

It was Saturday evening, around 10:45pm that my cell phone rang.  I wasn't really thinking when I reached for it, nor did I look at the display, but when I answered after being hypnotized from the TV I realized it was my wife.

She told me once again that she missed me.  That her Thanksgiving just wasn't the same without me there.  While that was nice to here on one hand, it opened up the wounds that I had experienced just a couple days before, and also reminded me of last years Thanksgiving when my wife had already started a her downward spiral and embarrassed me and herself and our marriage was holding together by a strand.

And as if on cue, the conversation became a 1 way conversation.  Where she spoke and I listened, but everytime I tried to say something I was cut off, interupted, or challenged.  Yup...she still doesn't get it.  She says she does, but deep down, I don't think so.  According to her it was everyone elses actions that led to her actions of rebellion (I.E. everybody else made her this way...it's everyone elses fault even though she recognizes she screwed up).

She then changed her story about leaving me.  She said it was only meant to be for two weeks, to clear her head.  I call B.S.  She packed up a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks of clothing and personal items.  Items no one would take with them for just 2-weeks if they intended to come back.  Hell, I didn't even know where she was for almost the 1st two weeks.  And now, after 8 months she tells now tells me it was only to be for 2 weeks?  B.S.

Her cash job ends in less than 2 weeks from now.  Said she was given notice by the owner her last day would be the end of the month.

She continued to talk for a while, because Lord knows I couldn't get a word in, so I finally just said "I'm hanging up." and I did at 11:45.  I was on that phone for 30 minutes, and for 25 of those minutes she did all the talking, saying how she changed, how I'm not giving her a chance, that she misses me, etc., etc.  The thing is, I'll admit I started to sway a bit.  I started allowing my emotions to rule over logic.  I started to rethink everything yet again, my co-dependancy kicking in, and thinking "she can be fixed."  I had to get off the phone, especially since she cut me off at every turn.  Looking back..that in itself is a sign of zero respect towards me.  No there may have been 'surface improvements', but deep down to her it's everyone else's fault, she's not paying her bills, she got let go again from a job. 

I cannot ever be sure if she really does love me or if I am just a security blanket to be used and abused and in 6 months to a year from now everything returns to the same 'ole, same 'ole.

The last 8 years in my neighborhood, all the neighbors put their Christmas lights that day after Thanksgiving.  We all go out, help each other, have a few beers, and make an afternoon out of it. 

This year, only 1 neighbor put his lights up.  No one else (even today), and I'm not really in the mood to do it either.  Nor am I in the mood to decorate inside.  No garland, no lights, no ornaments.  It seems like a hassle for just one person...me.

Spoke with my lawyer yesterday.  He wants me to start my list of negotiation items, room by room, and have to him by this weekend so he can review and send to her lawyer.  My parents want this over.  They even offered to pay for a 'mediator' just to move this along and have resolution by February so I can move on with my life.  I hear them, and don't want to drag it out longer than I have to as well....but if last night nightmare dream of me and my wife is any indication, my emotions and mental health on all this is still raw.  I do well, and then she calls me up...and I'm ruined for the next few days all over again.

Sucks.