Uptight

I should be more relaxed today, but I'm not.

I had a pretty decent weekend.  Saturday I spent the day with a group of friends at a BBQ festival and got sun-burned.  So bad in fact I think I gave myself a mild case of sun-stroke as by the time I got home I was physically ill with such a migraine headache that I had to take an ice cold shower, eat aspirin like PEZ, put a cold compress on my forehead, and turn all the lights off in my house.

Sunday I met my parents for breakfast, listened to a Joel Osteen sermon on "God Closing Doors" (how apropos for me), and hung out with some new church friends.

All in all , the weekend was full of activity, but I couldn't shake that irritating 'pebble in the shoe' feeling that my wife made a surprise visit to town.  As much as I wanted to relax, get my mind off things, enjoy what God has to offer, I was slightly robbed of my joy.  The thing is, is that I recognize this for what it is, and yet still can't shake it.

The knowledge of her surprise arrival came late Wed afternoon as my lawyer contact me and shared with me a letter that he received from her attorney making wild allegations and that she 'demanded' a house visit on Thursday (my day off and no prior notice) and if I didn't grant it she would hold me in contempt and file a restraining order and sanctions against me.

You can imagine my utter shock when I read this, and my heart just sank.  Here, all this time, I've been minding my own business and I'm threatened with a Restraining Order? 

The following allegations were made against me:

1. I was denying her access to a community home.  FACT: I have a Grant Deed that shows I am the sole owner of said property, and the fact my wife has never called once to request that she come over.  This was all new to me.
2. I was denying her access to her mail.  FACT: Not only has the nosey neighbor came down and collected mail from me in mid-May, I actually handed my wife her mail the last time I physically saw her on May 19th.  I haven't seen her since to give her any mail, nor has she requested any.  Also the fact is that she can go to the USPS office and get a change of address form, request mail forwarded to her new address, or contact her billing agencies and make changes the last 2.5 months is beyond me.  I am not denying her access to her mail, she simply hasn't claimed it or made any effort to retrieve and everyone knows this, so unsure how she came to this conclusion.
3. I was denying her access to personal belongings.  WHAT? FACT:  I actually packed up her stuff in boxes with tissues paper and put them out on the porch for her to collect, not once, but twice while she was in town and she refused to take them.  When I last saw her on May 19th, I told her "Take your stuff" and she flatly refused saying she would make arrangements at a later date.
4. She had a right to the house as she was still paying utility bills.  FACT: In the 2.5 months she has been gone I received $100 for the water bill, and $100 for the cable bill (which was late to begin with before she even left).  Every other bill I have paid.  So the idea of generously giving me $200 for invoices that were late to begin with over a 2.5 month period while I have paid for EVERYTHING else constitutes the idea she has privileges to the house is beyond me.

So of course my lawyer and I had a conversation that evening.  In return he fired off a letter to her attorney refuting her charges and denying her access to the house.  While that should have made me feel better, the truth is it didn't.  All my wife had to do was to ask for her mail and I would have set it out on the porch.  If she wanted her stuff, she could have just let me know and once again I would have placed it outside..  But now I received threats of sanctions.  And of course this whole email exchange probably cost each of us $200 for no reason.  $200 that each of us probably didn't need to spend. 

The upside is that my lawyer seems to be letting her know this is not the way to approach things.  That initial threats is not the way to go about this, but offering up a solution, compromise that we can agree on is better for both parties.  I totally agree.  I now feel as if my ex is making this combative which it doesn't need to be by stirring the pot, making exaggerated claims, and making sure we piss away money for no reason.  He also said it was ludicrous to make a last minute announcement that she would show up with 24 hour notice only during a work week and made demands that no one be there.  He insisted that a neutral third party be present to document things taken and the arrangements had to be on a weekend so I don't have to take off of work (BTW: she still has no job).

Of course the thought of my wife showing up anyway on the street ruined my day off and the rest of the week.  The good news is that on Thursday I was able to take my dog to the vet, clean some house, go to the gym, see the doctor, catch up on some TV...but my nerves were already shot.  I felt as I had to keep looking over my shoulder to see if she was stalking me, or going to pound on the door with a  sheriff or something else.

Because my nerves were shot, I had a mild breakdown at the Dr.'s office.  As hard as I tried to reign it in, I began to cry.  I was truly embarrassed and so hard on myself for my inability to let go and move on.  The Dr. prescribed me more Citropram (Lexapro), and a stronger dosage of anxiety medication.

My parents were a little concerned with me, and I had a few people pray for me, but I didn't go into a lot of detail.  I also made the unpleasant decision to cull 2 more mutual friends of ours from Facebook as I'm positive they are telling my wife my actions.  It's no coincidence to me that she came down the same weekend she knew I was going to be at the BBQ festival.

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery.  While I was happy to attend, and I did get some peace for 2.5 hours, I still have my moments where I sit back and just have to say "What has your life come to?"  This is such bullshit.  It's hard for me not to get angry, frustrated, defensive, depressed....when I keep thinking I'm the one playing by the rules, trying to be level-headed, responsible, etc.  Deep down I know I am taking the high road and trying to show everyone on the outside that I will persevere, that I am being the rationale one....but it is soooo hard.  At times I feel like I am indeed living a dual identity...a pleasant facade on the outside, while burning rage on the inside.  And don't think I am not aware this is a battle I'm fighting in a spiritual sense....my Christian side versus the Enemy trying to kick me in the groin everyday.

I know this is a long post, but I haven't said anything in about 5 days or so.