Emotions and favors are getting the best of me.

A little late in the day for this entry, but I needed a break and collect myself today.

My wife texted me last night.  Wanted to tell me she moved back in with her parents on Friday, and it was her dad's birthday today.

Great.  Glad you were able to point out to me your dad's birthday to me (which I already knew about, for the record).  Too bad you neglected to wish my own dad happy birthday when it was his, or acknowledged mine with a text message.

She also texted me again about her signing up and attending the "Hoffman Institute."  I didn't respond right away...namely because I don't know how to respond, nor did she ask me a question.  It was a statement, not an inquiry.

After a while she texted me back, this time asking.  I plainly told her "Okay, but I have nothing to say on it."  She asked if she could send me a 27 page packet/document to show me part of her initial homework she needs to read and answer some questions about before she attends her 8 day in group therapy session.

"That's fine.", is all I replied.  And sure enough, I got it later that evening.  I waited until this morning to print it out and read it (more on that in a bit).

Last night, I took a step back.  It doesn't matter that I just got my 60 day chip.  Any empowerment I was feeling on Friday night, quickly dissipated Sunday evening.  I spent all day Sunday alone.  It sucked.  It really, really sucked.  Sure I got a ton of chores done, but I had too much time to think on my own and soon I became my own worst enemy.  It doesn't matter that I listened to Joel Osteen that morning, or attended my men's morning group on Saturday, or Celebrate on Friday evening.  It all went out the window last night when Satan told me I was destined to be alone.

It has been 4 montsh since I had physical contact with the opposite sex.  My libido has not diminished, but my partner has.  It's more than just sex however.  It really is a lot of loneliness and that feeling of being wanted/unwanted.

I could feel teh anxiety growing in me, and so for the first time in over a month I took a pill last night.  A Clonzapam.

This morning found me very emotional when I got up.  By the time I left my house this morning, I was crying again.  I hadn't cried in a few days, or maybe even a week now.  It was uncontrollable and it was all about anger, frustration, sadness, loniliness, and wondering where God is.

I read my devotionals this morning and said my prayers. 

Today they had no affect on me.

I wrote a letter to a man at my church...the leader of my Saturday group.  I cried the whole way through typing it.  I have heard no response as of yet.

At lunch I called my father and spoke with him for 15 minutes.  It helped, but didn't solve anything,  Even as he spoke with me, I was fighting the feeling of tears welling up inside me.  The last 16 hours have been a bitch both mentally and emotionally.

If that wasn't enough, my SIL called me at 12:40 today and spoke AT me for 20 minutes.  Now my own SIL (the one who urged me to seek a lawyer, who convinced the whole family that her sister needed an intervention and was drinking too much (she was), the one in my corner) seems like she's taking a step back.  She asked me to put the divorce on hold.  At least until her sister goes through her treatment.

Hey I'm all for my ex to get into therapy.  It's not the therapy I would have liked her to get, but at least she's going.

I'm not so surprised that her parents took a step back this last week.  Families can only endure so much I suppose when their child is 'troubled' and needs help.  I get that.  I am a bit surprised, however, that my SIL magically took a step back, and now wants me to follow suit.

Why is it they keep telling me, or at the minimum, strongly suggest on what I have to do....in order to benefit my ex.  I'm not a vindictive guy.  I'm not out to hurt my ex, or get revenge.  But seriously, how many free passes does she get?  And why does everyone expect me now to put the brakes on.  If you remember, these are the same people that ENCOURAGED me to move forward with obtaining a lawyer and filing paperwork.  Now they want me to stop because it's "too much stress" for my ex to handle?

Too much stress?

She's had the last 3+ months to do something when she thought the grass was greener elsewhere.  To take care of her affairs.  Show some progress in her job search, her education, her decisions.  Now that she FINALLY agreed that she needs help, everyone has to put the brakes on?  Including me?

What about my stress?  What about the fact I've been flying solo for over three months with no closure, no nothing.  Defending myself against all my would be detractors.  Taking care of the house, bills, dog, etc. by myself while still holding down a job?  I've lost over 20 lbs from this ordeal, basically quit drinking myself, and have spent hours upon hours in various meetings to cope with something I did not cause to begin with, and now I have been requested to step back?  It has reduced me at times to an emotional fetus.

My sister in law wanted an answer right then and there.  Are you kidding me?  I haven't spoke to her in over a week, my in laws in a few weeks, and the last conversation I had with my wife was she was still blaming my mother again for who knows what.  It's like drinking out of a firehouse, and I am expected to make a decision on the fly?

I told my SIL I had to digest and think about it.  I could tell she was actually peeved.  Again, are you kidding me?  You called me at work.  I have a meeting I have to attend in a few minutes.  You guys shove this down my throat out of nowhere and am expected to make a decision that will please you.  That is unfair, and I told my SIL as much.  She said I wasn't listening at one point.  Um, I just sat and listened to you, un-interrupted for 15 minutes and kept my voice calm and collected.  Don't tell me that I am not listening.

What I am hearing is a 180 degree shift in our united stance, and I'm the last one to hear about it, and am expected to fall in line...as has been the norm.  Sorry, but this is complete bullshit, no matter how noble the cause is.  It was somewhat portrayed to me that if I didn't go along with her request that her sister, my ex, would have a harder time.   Not to sound like an an arse, but....yeah, so?  It's only harder because she chooses to make it harder for herself.  How does my decision one way or another affect her ability to fill out a essay questionnaire?  At age 42, my ex lost her ability to form sentences now?  My SIL said the ball was in my court.

What is it with my family and their basketball analogies?  Why is everything in my court?  No one seems to have given a rats ass to my plight in the past.  When the ball was in my exes court, we all walked away.  I didn't ask for the ball back.  I don't want to play this stupid game right now.  I want some DESERVED peace.  I have my own mental struggles to deal with.  Don't add to them...thank you.