Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.