After I posted yesterday, I had a lot of time to reflect for the remainder of the day, and I can't help but feel I came across a little whiny. However, that was how I was feeling at the time so I am unsure if apologies are in order or not.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
2 comments:
You're not whining... This is your space and you can say whatever you need to.
So I've been following along, but not sure of what my opinion is or if I really have any helpful advice I could offer up...
I was a bit surprised that your SIL/BIL phoned you with the news of what was discussed, and have to wonder what their motivation is in the situation to share the negative things that were said about you, when they know you're already upset about the status of your marriage/relationship with your wife... They could have communicated that they felt she blames things on others/is in denial without repeating the less than stellar comments she made... Obviously I'm not in your shoes, wasn't present during the conversations or have an understanding of what types of folks they are beyond what you've shared, but it just hit me as a little off... maybe stirring the pot?
Counseling... So important for where you and your wife are right now... Some places offer sliding scales for services - worth checking into.
I guess other than that... Keep hanging in there... Take it a day at a time, and when it's one of "those" days, take it a moment at a time... You're in my thoughts.
Thank you Anon.
The thought crossed my mind as well re: SIL. She generally means very well, and I truly believe she wants the best for me.
I'm not sure what the motivation was either, and I'm not mad at her. Although I will admit what was revealed to me has not been sitting too well with me. I'm trying not to let it fester...to surrender, to move on, to forgive.....yet the words linger and sting.
IS this yet another one of God's tests, or just me assigning too much importance to something which is really trivial (since I wasn't there either)?
I'm so confused. One minute my wife secretly loathes me for whatever reasons, the next she displays her public affection to me and tells me she loves me.
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