Interlude: I snapped

This posts origin has at least one of its tendrils in our recent financial woes.

About 1.5 weeks ago, I got the property tax invoice from the county, and the first payment of two is due around the first week of December. I can't pay it. The only way I can is to take a loan out on my 401K, which I have never done since I started saving money in a 401k almost 20 years ago.

As I also alluded to in my last entry, my wife and I are combining accounts, and it's taking longer than it should be. Of course my wife feels out of control when her company screwed up the first attempt at direct deposit, and God forbid she actually stay on top of it herself and follow-up with anyone. Same thing happened with her debt consolidation....it was magically going 'nowhere'...until I jumped in and took control. It's not just my wife. I really hate the excuse no matter who it is: "I called and left a message a week ago and am awaiting a call back." Um, ever heard the saying 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'? Especially when it comes to money. I follow up and if someone doesn't call me back when they say, I don't wait another week and cross my fingers. No, I call the next day. I write down names and times. Yeah, maybe that's anal, and perhaps taking on more than I usually have to, but as yet another saying goes "If you want done things right, you gotta do it yourself." Problem is, I've been doing that so long (that is taking the reigns) I've learned I really can't trust others to follow through.....or perhaps they are the smart ones and I'm the idiot because they know if they 'slack' long enough, I'll do it eventually.

Whoa, I really do have ADHD, I'm so far off topic right now.

Okay, coming back around....

So in addition to that, we've been shorthanded at work and I've been having to cover other people. It was also my review at work, so I've been trying even harder to put out that extera effort and be visible and not complain about things. It's also been raining and my poor dog can't get a decent walk in. My stepdaughter has been putting us through the ringer (any 18 year old will do that) and my cholesterol medicine makes me super tired. I mean I can fall asleep at my desk if given the chance, so I've actually been going to bed earlier at night to compensate. I've missed church a few times, beating myself up in my head, and trying to make up for it my reading the Word, listening to Christian radio, and even woke up early on Sunday to watch a televangelist at 6:30am the other day.

Through all this, I forgot to take my 'happy pills' here and there on occasion so my chemistry is a bit unstable.

So the other day, I was going through my regular boring routine, taking note of yet another 'rinse and repeat' type of day when my mother called. Well, she's a tad impatient as well, but in another realm of my own impatience. She was a bit miffed and felt 'inconvienced' when I didn't call her back from the message she left me at home or on my cell phone. The thing is I hadn't been home yet to hear the message, and since I was in meeting all day at work, my cell phone was on mute. So I missed the 5 attempts she tried getting a hold of me in three hours. Yes, 5 attempts in three hours...all for an umbrella....a $15 dollar umbrella she thought she left at my house and was pissed she couldn't find it, and apparently I need to be on 30 second response duty for said umbrella whereabouts.

So, when I explained to her I hadn't been home, why not try calling my daughter or wife, she exclaimed she already did. So, lets review shall we? In the span of three hours my mother called my wife, my stepdaughter on her cellphone, and 5 times to me. That's 7 times looking for a $15 umbrella. When I did finally get a hold of her to tell her the umbrealla wasn't on our porch, she grilled me why I don't pick up my phone and then jumped to the conclusioon one of my neighbors stole it. I tried to explain logically that's ridiculous....who would go on our porch, in the dark, and even know the umbrealla is there to begin with to steal? There isn't a rash of umbrella thieves in the area that I'm aware of.

Needless to say, I was then told I was being rude and the next time I needed 'help' of any kind, don't bother calling her. That hurt my feelings. So....with all the stuff piling up as of late...and perhaps the lack of happy pills....I snapped. I went from minding my own business/content...to a sailor on a verbal bender the likes of which I haven;t done in years. My hot button was pushed, and if I were a cartoon, you'd see steam shooting from both ears, my eye's popping out, and my forehead turning bright red.

By the time I got off the phone it was all I could do to not pick up the closest object in huck it across the room. At this point my wife came home and tried to calm me down, and the best thing she could do (and she did) was listen to me vent. Oh, and I vented. For a good half hour straight. I used more curse words in that 30 minutes that I think I've used in the last year.

I ended up pouing myself a drink (not smart, or an answer to any problem by the way kids), and then taking a super hot shower to drain my stress and anger away, but not before I almost broke my hand by punching a tile wall (also stupid, but luckily no damage).

An hour later, once my rational mind came back into play, I realized right then and there why it is important to be diligent in taking my pills. I was a raving verbal lunatic, who knows how long I was simmering like that just under the surface.

So here we are a few days later: I've made sure I've taking my pill everday since then. And my mom called yesterday to apologize. After some reflection, she beleives she was in the wrong for the things she said and how she handled the situation over an umbrella. I didn't tell her about my rage afterwards, but I forgive her and myself and I realize I hate that part of me...the wild man with a potty mouth....but sometimes the stress is so much. God, it is so much.

There's a song by a band called 'Depeche Mode' that's entitled "Try walking in my shoes" To me it's so apropos:

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me
But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn't have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept

If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes