Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
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