My friends....those that check in with me on a semi-regular basis to those that are just stopping by for the first time due to a random click of the mouse or wayward search....I received a very devestating call this afternoon.
I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.
I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.
R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.
R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.
If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.
He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.
Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.
Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.
This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.
He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.
I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.
R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.
I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.
It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.
1 comment:
Your story demonstrates how serious and debilitating the nature of depression can be in real life. I’m glad you’re writing about it because many people have no idea. The impact on loved ones and society can be devastating! Your friend controls his will to live; his life lies in God’s hands. I know you care about him, but trust in God for what is best.
For those who may be suffering from depression, a word of advice. Don’t tie your happiness to your ability to earn an income. God can be very generous, but he can also take it all away. Be thankful for what you have, but recognize that true happiness is found in God’s presence. Ironically, it’s the poor man who is usually the happiest.
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