Hello everyone. I hope that everyone that stops by here has enjoyed their holiday season. Overall, I think I did, though I will admit along with many 'highs', there were a few 'lows' as well...mostly when I was alone with my thoughts.
There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.
My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.
I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.
Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.
How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.
Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.
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