Fish in a net

“He thought about telling her the agitation he felt every day since the war, the bad dreams, the inability to get excited about much of anything, the times he went to the docks alone and watched the fish pulled in by the wide open nets, embarrassed because he saw himself in those hopeless, flopping creatures, snared and beyond escape” (-Mitch Albom, The five people you meet in heaven)

I read this little paragraph at lunch, and it really struck a cord with me. I had been plugging along in this short little novel and when I came across this on page 113 it was as if I was all alone in the restaurant. All the sounds and actions from the other patrons didn’t seem to register with me, for this one long sentence seemed to describe so many feelings I experience. Though I’ve never been to war, or even in the military, this still resonated with me.

The fact is I used to be able to get excited about a great deal of things, especially when it included the prospect of being with other people or friends that shared the same interests. Whether it be going to the movies, the store, playing a game, or just hanging out.

That changed. I’m not exactly sure when or how. I’m not sure if it was an overnight thing, or it took days, weeks, or even months. I know that my excitement level on a great many of things had diminished. Where my mind reeled with joy at the thought of countless opportunities and adventures, it now seemed indifferent. I enjoyed being alone, and I can’t even be sure if I was happy even then in my solitude. People began to let me down, disappoint me, seemed mundane and predictable. I saw their flaws, and even my own. I wanted a brief reprise. Read books, watch documentaries, play solitaire games.

The quietness was a blessing at first. I seemed more productive on my own, but over time even that began to change. My energy levels weren’t as high, I made more excuses to myself that ‘there is always tomorrow’ so I let a few things slide. I drank alone at night. First it was a beer, then it turned to mixed drinks. Soon, it was just pure whisky or gin on the rocks. Not just one…maybe two or three. I convinced myself it was there to relax me, make me forget about the cruel world and my interpretations of it.

Like the character in the novel, Eddie, I too began strolling metaphorically to my own docks and gazing into the nets of life and wondering how these individual events got ensnared and how they would escape. And again like Eddie, I began to see, and still do, these events as issues in my own life and saw the hopelessness of it all.

Traditional prayer time and weekly pilgrimages to Bible Study and Sunday services seemed to just eat up an hour or so, not really accomplishing anything spiritually within myself, but eating up time on the clock. The secret goal was to shorten the time I was awake until I went to bed again and slip into unconsciousness.

It is better today than it was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I honestly don’t drink as much, but once in a while the intense cravings are there, as though I look forward to going home and hearing that ice rattle in a tumbler, and that initial sip of whisky as it touches my tongue and slaps my head around. The phone still rings and I don’t always want to answer it. I dread the news or drama on the other end.

You know what I catch myself thinking about a lot? More so this last year than any other time in my life? I think about heaven, and with each passing day, that I am one day closer to it. I don’t always think about the perfection, or a new body, or being with Christ in his glory….I think more about leaving this place behind. How I won’t miss certain obligations or responsibilities, or bad news, or drama, or being let down, or just feeling like I am going through the motions. Many people say that ‘life’ in and of itself is a gift from God, and though there are a lot of secular and worldly persecutions we must endure, make the most of it for we only live it once. Or, ‘live life to the fullest’, ‘seize the day’, ‘stop and smell the roses’, etc.

I don’t think much about those clichés at all. I want to be in peace, that is to say my mind. Even now I pray to Christ that He calm my spirit and my mind daily. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the enemy has a field day with me.

Funny how these entries take on a life of their own. I’m not sure really how to finish this entry other than just to finish it. I wasn’t really expecting to go the direction in which I did, it just happened that way.