"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does" (James 1: 6-8)
As has been the norm as of late, I went to church with an overall sense of indifference...not to church itself, but the machination of my daily routine. At the very least, I looked forward to church for some wisdom yesterday, and it seems as if the pastor was speaking directly to me.
As the words of James chapter 1 sprung forth, it seemed every verse was directed towards me or rang true somewhere in my recent life.
The first verses that lept out at me was James 1: 6-8. And they weren't the only ones...I'll dive more into the others in later posts.
I have had a huge internal battle lately with belief and doubt. Logically I want to believe, and for all intents and purposes I really try. But if you do not believe 100%, then you don't believe fully in His promises and allow the seed of doubt to take hold and grow. Such is with me. Other Christians and friends and family have told me to pray, to trust in Him, that things will get better.....but the only problem I am too fixated on my own schedule and not His.
When I pray, I inevitable sucumb to being an immature Christian and expect my answers in my time. It doesn't help when others continue to try an build me up in moral and make promises that never seem to come to fruition. That's when doubt blooms, and before you know it I am fixated on the prayer itself....did I not pray hard enough? Did I pray for the wrong thing? Is He telling me something and I am not calm enough to sit quietly and hear?
Before long I am see-swaing bewteen faith and doubt, and my mind and spirit feels like a torential storm within as James describes. My confusion replaces faith, and unstable I do become.
I wonder if this instability is analogous to being bi-polar? Did I become bi-polar because of a chemical imbalance, or because I am of a 'double-minded' mentality resulting from an internal war of beliefs and doubts?
2 comments:
I've been reading your blog and I don't know you but am touched.
In my theology, the most helpful prayers are not 'God give me this' like one asks one's mother for a cookie. The most helpful prayers are when one take a moment to Commune. To breathe in the good, and breathe out the difficult.
Another thought: in my theology, God creates (created?) a world in which good and difficult things exist, not to tempt us but just because. Illness does not come as punishment, and money does not come as reward. But we show our best selves (to others, to God) when we do the best with what we have. This theology has been very helpful to me, because I can no longer blame myself or God when bad things happen: I just accept that they DO, and I do my best to move through the muck.
I notice you mention suicide, and that you are really struggling right now; I feel for you. I also ask you to seek help (outside of yourself and God). My two cents, inspired by the Catholic teaching about suicide: I understand it is a sin because it is so selfish to take myself away from the ones who love me. That awareness of others is, at times, the only thing that stopped me.
Blessings/prayers for your journey.
Hi, I too have been touched by what you've said. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I have experienced this lonely painful struggling road too. Blessings
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