Depression - Medictated Continued (part 6)

It's been a while since I last continued with this...that is my account of Depression and how it started and the steps I began to take in order to try an overcome it, or at the very least, minimize it.

I was pretty on-track for the most part, taking my 'meds' like a good little boy. The doctor suggested I start with 5mg at first, and during the first few weeks I suppose I was trying to be very aware of any changes taking place. So I waited.

And I waited.

After a at least a week or so I wasn't so sure anything was happening. I didn't feel any better emotionally, more embarrased and ashamed that I was now taking pills for some 'mental issues' I have no idea how they started or why they seemed to be getting out of control.

I revisited the doctor and he asked me how things were. He took my blood pressure, a blood sample, and spoke to me more. I alternated between very fidgety to feeling like giving up, and I think he sensed this as well since he upped my dosage to 10mg a day now. I was also taking the Clonzapen either daily or every other day to relax. Now that my dosage went up, I was afraid to tell my wife lest she began to think she married a crazy person, or my parents lest my mother go on some other tangent of who knows what that I don't want to deal with.

More weeks went by and maybe at best I felt 'stabilized' on occassion, but the depression was there and I couldn't think about when I was happy. It seemed that the word 'Happiness' somehow lost its meaning for me. I knew what the definition of Happiness is/was, and I had experienced joy on occasion, but not so much anymore, and that continues on even today.

Interlude: The reason I am continuing this today as I had a strange thought in my head a few hours ago. If someone were to ask me to rate my general 'happiness' on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best, I think my current answer would be a '4'. I'm not sure if I ever remember a true '10'...sure there was some 8's, some 9's, and on occasion a few 2's and 3's.....but overall...on average, I feel as if I am a solid 4. I wish it were higher, like a 6 or 7, but I haven't felt that in quite some time. :End Interlude

Some time had passed, perhaps just over a month, maybe a bit more and I was referred to see a clinical therapist. I hid that from everyone. I reluctantly went during a work day (I thinK i asked for a long lunch) and met with a gentleman who asked me a few questions. Within 10 minutes he was basically telling me I had the symptoms of ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder and asked me to look them up at home. Why? Why would I want to go home and read if I was crazy or not? But alas, I did. I think, with utmost certainty I can rule out ADHD (that was so insulting to me at the time), but in reading more about Bi-polarism, this seemed to make more sense:

Bipolar disorder (also called manic-depressive disorder) is an illness that causes extreme mood changes that alternate between manic episodes of abnormally high energy and the extreme lows of depression.
Bipolar disorder may cause behavior so severe that you may not be able to function at work, in family or social situations, or in relationships with others. Some people with bipolar disorder become suicidal.

I knew my mood swings were pretty pronounced, I was feeling depressed, I was having issues with sleeping, I was tired, I found social situations even with my spouse and family very tedious and irritating, and thoughts of suicide did occassionally creep up.

Great, now that I may be 'bi-polar', I wondered how did I get this way? Is it a punishment from God? Was Satan having a field day with me? Was it my rearing? My parents? My own personal standards never being met? Am I just a difficult person doomed to feeling perpetually inadequate and constantly nervous and anxious? It seemed I could only answer 'D': All of the above.

I was mad. Mad at the doctor who after 10 minutes came to these conclusions. How can anyone in 10 minutes make an assumption on over 30 years of my life, most of it bundled up within my own head. Was I angry because of his snap judgements on such a ludicrous meeting, or was I mad because maybe he was right? He wrote ADHD and Bipolar on a piece of paper and I walked out. I was in denial but could not throw that piece of paper away. It taunted me on one hand, again frustrating me, but it was also a tangible object that stared at me and said I was screwed up in the head.

Again, the torture for people with depression: How to I tell my wife? Will she understand? Will my family? Will I be perceived as weak? Mental? Will I take pills forever? Did God abandon me?

That one hit me the hardest:

Did God abandon me?

to be continued....