Solitude (part I)

As someone close to me the other day said: "It's okay to want alone time."

How much alone time is healthy for anyone person? Sure their are introverts, and extroverts by definition, but how does one go from being an extrovert to and introvert is a short period of time.

I think this picture symbolizes so much what is me. On the one hand you have Superman....an icon, an extrovert to the human race, defender of justice, bigger than life.

But to himself and on the inside he is an introvert. Realizing that he is actually alone in this world where no one could understand him....when the pressures of being Superman are too much even for him, he escapes to his 'Fortress of Solitude'...a cold, sterile, alone place far removed from civilization and the masses so as he can collect his thoughts and unwind and think and commune with the memories of his father and his homeworld.

I remember an episode of the original Twilight Zone as well with Burgess Meredith. He played a quirky and geeky librarian who just wanted to escape the persecution of his fellow man who always seemed to be bullying him around. He wanted to escape and be just left with his books, to lose himself in the pages of fiction. He gets his wish....a world disaster strikes in which everyone sans himself are gone. Finally alone with his books he relishes the fact he is now alone and cannot be bothered by those that don't understand him....only to trip and fall moments later and break his glasses...so that he can no longer read the books that meant so much to him.

Today on my way into work, I heard a story on the radio about suicide, and some websites that even promote efficient ways on how to remove yourself from this plane of existance in the quickest and hopefully painless ways. The story really troubled me. I feel sad for the parents and family and feel that these type of websites, even under freedom of speech, should be shut down. But I'd be lying to say I also didn't empathize with the victims. I am too chicken to hurt myself, nor do I want to cause any harm to my parents and family, nor am I overly anxious to find out if my name is written in the Book of Life. Nor am I Catholic but I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is not a mortal sin. I do believe God can forgive anything and anybody, but suicide does seem like the ultimate is selfish acts one can perform.

I often wonder how I will die myself. I hope it will be painless and I hope at home in my sleep. But I think that statistics and odds are against that. I think most people die via stroke, heart-attack, or violence (car accidents or injuries). Cancer runs in my family and I 'try' to watch what I eat, but I often have flashes of myself getting in a car wreck. I've had nightmares of being stabbed or falling. I have mentally pictured the ambulance comming to my house someday because I suffered a heart attack. Only God knows the actual result. I fear of dying alone. I fear that I will outlast my parents and my wife. I wonder who will find me? Who will bury me? Will I even have any family at that time that would attend a service?

I hear preachers say that when we close our eyes here on this earth, and if we are believers in Christ, we immediately are present in Paradise.

I have to stop right now.....My eyes are welling up and I don't know why.