Surprised with my anger under the surface

I had a session with a therapist yesterday, and I always surprise myself about my feelings, my tirades, and my thoughts after the hour. Actually I feel very guilty and even more disapointed with myself.

Before I step into my therapists office, I always have this mental ritual I go through: I pretend and prepare for a 'dry-run' of our conversation, and I try and go in as relaxed as I can be and try to empty my thoughts and go in very open minded.

In reality, this never really has worked once.

Usually within 10 minutes I find myself getting agitated and by the time our session is over I am amazed on the thoughts pounding through my head.

Yesterday I was a bit more agitated that usual. A lot had to do with my therapists surroundings to begin with. I don't particularly like cats, and she has two in which when I walk in I always smell the distinct aroma of cat pee. I also think of their shedding hair on my clothes. Plus there are other disctractions that generally get to me. Like yesterday, her phone went off at least 4 times during our session, and I found my train of thought derailed at every ring.

My emotions were scattered. I went to being intense, and frsutrated and angry to very sad and crying. I play back the things I said in my brain over and over, and I realize that under the surface, I am an angry person. I am a bitter person. I am an unhappy person. I usually contain these emotions and feeling as best as I can, because I hate crying and I hate feeling this way. I do not wish to cause any harm to any person including myself, but I have yet to find the mechanism for release.

My prayers still feel unanswered. Am I mad at God? I'm not sure...the more I sit and think logically about this, the more I am convinced that the enemy is engaging in spiritual warfare against me. Satan knows that I am trying my hardest to be a better Christian, yet he allows for temptations to barrage me constantly. He wants me to believe I am inadequate as a male, that I cannot burden God with my problems because I am not worthy, and that I am an emotional failure. He constantly goads me into thinking I am not strong enough, and there are easier solutions like 'giving up', or straying away from the Church.

And sometimes I am sad to admit that he wins some battles.

But not the war.

You see, when I am down and out, I have to remind myself (which in the heat of the moment, we all forget) to give glory to God and ask for Christ's deliverence and pray for peace. But I don't. Instead my emotions get the better of me, and when I get on a roll, watch out. I do feel life in unfair, and I do occasionally feel insecure with my salvation, and that the secular world is out to get me.

As my male acquaintence told me last week: "I must be completely broken and submit 100% in order for God to build me back up." I understand what he means, but I haven't yet complied or feel I am in total agreement. Maybe thats my problem to begin with.