Tough evening

This isn't exactly the post I wanted to write today, however, events of last night as they unfolded with my wife have left me in a spiritual quagmire.

First and foremost, let me say that I love my wife, and as I just recently explained to a person, that if any commitment that I have ever made to God I hold true and dear to my heart is the commitment and sanctity of marriage. I truly believe that it is a contract I have made with the creator at the altar, my allegiance to that contract more or less supersedes many of my other core beliefs. I think the only way I would ever entertain the notion of divorce is if I found my wife cheated on me or one day said she didn't love me anymore. But per the obligatory 'through good times and in bad', I remain faithful to the idea and institution of marriage.

Now that doesn't mean I don't have some sneaking thoughts occasionally that make me wonder if she was indeed the "one". There are times when we argue or are on such different pages in our thinking or where our priorities are, I often wonder if I didn't make a mistake. Usually those moments are few and far between each other, but when they strike, they strike.

We had an argument the other night, one I wasn't looking to participate in. I actually tried to avoid it...more than once....I said "Can we discuss this later?", but my wife wasn't really having that.

You see, recently I have been unemployed. Not by choice and not because of my performance. The position was simply 'eliminated', and I found myself out of work for the first time in over ten years. Seeing that we just bought a house two years ago, been married for just under three, my car is falling apart and some other issues (another post for another day), I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Lately I have spent a lot of time in the recesses of my own personal hell. I have been very lonely during the day on top of interviews that go nowhere, searching for employment, and more or less walking around in a daze. Some days I feel like just giving up, but I don't go down easy....no matter what the enemy throws at me, and lately it seems as if has had a field day with me.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going of track here...

My wife the other night asks me "What did you do today?" Well, that may seem like an innocent question, but it was the third day in a row she asked me that, and her tone of voice suggested some undercurrent hints of resentment.....that I was sitting at the house doing nothing. Because I didn't finish everything on the "Honey Do" list. Well, simply stating besides cleaning the house (vacuuming, dishes, trash, mopping dusting), yard work, some outdoor painting of the trim, cooking dinner nightly, entertaining the dog on top of phone calls, resumes, cover letters, interviews, searches, etc....I was a bit taken back and hurt...

to be continued....