Catching up

Whoa, It's already been a month yet again since my last post. Boy, does time fly or what?

I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".

So, let's catch up....

Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.

We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.

So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.

Rinse and repeat.

In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.

I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.

In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.

But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.