8 year anniversary

Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.

My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.

God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.

One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.

I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.

Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.

I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.

And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.

No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.

It could be worse.

I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.

The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.

Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.