A new round of tests and counseling (Part IV)

It's been over a week, probably closer to two since I last posted. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's more or less a result of being a little lazy and other stressors in my life that stop me from sitting down and composing my thoughts.

The last week has been a whirlwind, at least to me.....our water heater needed to be replaced after we discovered a leak in our garage. Needless to say it ended up being very complicated and not easy and we were without hot water for about 3 days. So it was cold showers, no dishes, and limited laundry. Never really realized how much we depend on that thing afterall.

It has also been exceedingly hot in our area, easily breaking 100 degrees this past Friday through Sunday, and I'm sure with a combination of stress and the high temperatures my 'hives' were in full bloom. I've been taking a lot or Predisone for that and anti-histamines. In addition, I developed a very nasty looking cold-sore/fever-sore and my gums ache.

Saturday my wife invited a bunch of neighbors over for a BBQ without asking me first...I really wasn't in the mood, but she's already asked and people committed. That irritates me as well....she knows I have a rash, we have no hot water, and I've barely slept....but who cares about my input? Let's have a BBQ anyway. When she was preparing the meat for the BBQ, I wanted to make a simple suggestion on how to tie it up. I was actually trying to be helpful, but instead I got snapped at: "I KNOW how to season a pork butt..." I just shut up and walked away....funny thing is, I wasn't even talking about seasoning...I was gonna talk about tying it up. It's moments like these I just wonder why I am where I am, and I just need to walk away.

Is it wrong to feel that I wish karma would bite my own wife in the rear once in a while? I feel ashamed for thinking that way, and it isn't very Christian like at all....but I sometimes....I just wish she's get knocked down a peg or two by someone else to know how it feels when people are just trying to help. I could go on and on about this too....I think it's the absence of the Holy Spirit in her life that tends to make her nasty at times when she talks to me. She doesn't talk this way to her friends and neighbors, or even her parents.....it just seems to be me.

Lastly, my PC got some malware installed (my fault) which basically made my computer unusabel unless I installed some anti-spyware software from a fraudulant internet based company that ended up charging me $86 when it was only supposed to be $39. That's just another thing I have to battle with the CC company and hopefully get a refund.

So, I haven't had much time or desire for anything else....including attending church. I stayed home Sunday morning and just sat and watched TV, walked my dog early (before the heat kicked in again), stayed on my various meds, and tried to enjoy the silence.

When I get cranky, and my patience is alrady at a low, I don't understand why the universe feels the need to make sure my phones rings nonstop for the dumbest reasons. I had telemarketers calling me all day Sunday, plus my mother has an uncanny ability to sense when something is wrong and will call all day long, unrelenting until I pick up. I wish she'd get the hint once in a while that I need my solitude and I don't always want to talk about things when it's convienent for everyone else. I find it tedious, tiresome, and highly irritable.... Then my wife asks why I'm being an ass. Well, I'm being an ass I suppose because everyone can't give me any space when I need it. Why don't people realize that I am not feeling well, hot, on various medications, have a skin rash, can't do laundry and dishes, have a cold sore, not sleeping well....and they want to know why I'm not more upbeat.

So I haven't gone in to take my treadmill 'stress' test yet. I keep putting it off. I have also put off the second round of marriage-counseling at the church that my wife won't attend. I debate whether it really does any good or not....if my wife doesn't want to go, or continues to live in denial, what good is it for me to go solo? I feel it's just an uphill battle that I'll end up losing emotionally anyway not to mention suck up a few hours of time. The last time I went, it may have been therapuetic....but I really didn't get the sense the peson I was talking too cared all that much. I mean how could they after they meet with me only 2 times at 1 hour each and my wife wasn't there to express her side? I look back and think the whole experience was like talking to a brick wall. So there's a part of me that hasn't followed up because I just don't see the point.