So confusion........I started an entry yesterday, and as often happens, they seem to take on a life of their own and before I knew it, I wasn't going to get to the meat of the matter I had originally intended, thus I broke it up into parts.
Today is part 2. Maybe I'll wrap this up, maybe not and you'll be reading part 3 in a few days, so bare with me.
Being a loner most of my life, and especially the last few years have lent to a special air of isolationism on my part. Not that I ever made a conscious decision to end up that way, but circumstances as they have played out I suppose led me there. It's a mixed blessing. There are numerous days I seek companionship and yearn to return to the times where I was a much happier and 'go-lucky' person.....To be the 'life of the party' and everybody's friend as I was a decade ago.
On the flip side, there are days I enjoy the solitude and wish to block out all the madness and corruptness of the world. I want to be left alone and be in my own thoughts. Sometimes its a pleasurable experience, sometimes a very frightening one.
It's during these times of solitude that my mind works overtime and I think about so much and so many questions begin to surface. These are also the times I truly wonder if I do have a 'tinge' of mental instability as a result of imbalanced chemicals, or a lingering symptom of continued depression. When I should be day dreaming of puppy dogs and ice cream and warm beaches and sunsets, my mind tends to drift to apocalyptic events, relationship woes, death, etc.
I mentioned that my wife and I had an 'episode' about two weeks ago. And she made some very valid points. Valid enough that I have to take stock in myself and wonder if my prayers sometimes are not 'pure' enough to be answered. What does God have intended for me, and when will the continuous testing stop and the healing actually begin? Perhaps the healing has begun, but my stubborn side is looking for something more overt, like the Jews looking for a more 'kingly' messiah, than a simple man born in a manger who was and continues to be humble.
After that episode with my wife a lot of strange co incidents started to become very overt to me. It started with church. That Sunday my pastor was teaching from the book of Daniel....and drawing a parallel from Daniels visions to those events to come in Revelations.....a scary subject. On Monday as I was driving home from work, I turned on Christian radio (something I very rarely do) and the message happened to be that of the book of Daniel...again. It was the same message!!!
It gets stranger....
Tuesday I was reading a book, and it just so happens that I came across a chapter (unplanned) that spoke of the end times. And finally Tuesday evening I turned on talk radio late at night (it helps me sleep at times) and the whole two hour block again was on the end times and prophecy. By this time I was spooked! I still am. Two events may be a coincidence, but 4 in the span of 48 hours all talking about the 'end times'? Of course now I can't sleep at this point as I am convinced (at least in my mind) something very suspicious and abnormal is going on here. Why am I hearing these things? Am I being driven mad? Is God trying to tell me something? Or is it Satan having a good laugh at my expense?
But Christ says only He knows the hour and the time. He says not to worry, cast your burdens upon Him, for those that are faithful and have accepted Him should be in peace and care not of the trivialities of this world, for it shall perish, and we will be reborn into glorified bodies and live in the Kingdom forever!!!
However, the confusion begins to escalate for me and I need to seek out some reassurance...
(to be continued...)
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