It seems in the last few years, the closer we get to the holiday season, the more I feel depressed. I say depressed in the way that I am not experiencing the love and joy our culture has associated with the coming of the season.
Where some look forward to singing Christmas carols, drinking warm egg-nog on a cold night, looking at the pretty lights and spending time with family and all the delicious smells wafting from the oven, I can't help feel like I get short-changed.
Last week, my church had an annual holiday breakfast. I was really looking forward to going, and even volunteered to come in early and help set-up. I extended an invitation to my wife more than once over the course of a few weeks leading up to the event, and she led me to believe that she would be attending. Why wouldn't she? She was quite able to spend time with the neighbors the last few days having wine and socializing for hours on end. Could a two hour breakfast a mile from our house be asking too much?
Sadly, the answer is a resounding 'Yes'.
I had gotten up early that morning and rushed down there to help set up tables and chairs, and quietly sat in anticipation for my wife to show up at 9am as I had reminded her a few times before.
9am....9:15.....9:30...9:45...
One of the congregation came up to me, "Hey, where's your wife? I guess the bed was all too warm this morning." He meant it as a joke, in good spirit....but he was all too dead spot on and it took as much energy as I could muster to put on a fake smile and not break down. It's a good thing I had my sunglasses with me, as I could feel my eyes begin to well up with tears and my pride did not want to let on how crushed I was.
At 10:00 am I had given up. I could no longer enjoy myself, and who was I kidding? I could not sit any longer and 'pretend' I was having a good time.
I left silently, and walked home.
Once home I walked inside to see my wife at her computer, sitting in her robe, drinking coffee.
I was at a loss for words. If I open my mouth, my emotions would come pouring out. I'd say something hurtful and mean. For what? To 'get even'? No, I just thought to myself....this is par for the course, I am so foolish for getting my expectations up. I should have known better. My face and my body language must have given me away.
She looked up at me from her PC, "What's wrong?"
Astonishing. In those quick few seconds, so many responses had filled my head, but none of them would be ending good. I decided to fight down my primal urges inside, my rage/anger/hurt/frustration/sadness/loneliness.
"Nothing.", I said.
I slipped back into the garage and tried to make myself look busy for a bit. Better to give myself something to do, keep my mind and body occupied....calm down.
As I began to pull out the Christmas lights from the garage shelves, I felt as if once again...Christmas is here, and I'll be going through the motions.
To be continued.....
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