Sometimes I just feel so exasperated.
Marriage is much harder than it first appears on paper or in one's head, especially when either spouse occassionaly tends to put their feelings and free spirit first with disregard to how the other may feel or react.
What is really burdensome to me is that it happens so randomly, I never know what to expect, other than the fact it will indeed happen again if history is any teacher.
So I write this entry today with a few caveats in place: 1) I'm still a little worked up and probably have some residual resentment, anger, and hurt feelings that may come out in this. 2) I had very little sleep last night partly in regards to this. 3) I feel the need to vent, but I don't have anyone to turn to early in the morning. 4) My prayers in regards to the state of my marriage seemingly don't get answered right now and I'm a little lost on what to do/say/act next. 5) Things lately have seemed to good to be true, so I guess I was just fooling myself, ignorant to the fact that my wife is capable of a stupid stunt...again.
Apparently one of her co-workers was leaving the company and so she left a message that she'd be going out for a "couple of beers, and I'll be home soon." That message was left on our answering machine roughly at 5:45pm. Okay, I'm actually fine with that. She let me know where she was going and why, and who am I to deny her the right to say goodbye to someone she worked with and a friend over the years.
But I guess I should have realized that the other people also taking part are the same immature, drunks and chain smokers that always seem to spell trouble. Last night was no different.
So at 8pm, my wife is still not home, and calls again to leave a message (maybe I was in the shower or something) stating "If you want, I'll bring you home dinner. I'll be leaving in the next 5-10 minutes."
I didn't call her back for two reasons: 1) It's already 8pm and I assumed I was on my own for dinner, so I ate a sandwhich on my own. 2) She said she's be leaving in no more than 10 minutes, and the restaurant she was at is only 15 minutes away, so I should expect her no later than 8:30pm.
I went to bed at 10:45pm. Wife was still not home. I really didn't want to call her and 'check up on her.'
Finally at 11:45 pm she walks in the house. She makes a lot of noise, comes into the bedroom, chooses not to say one word to me, and climbs into bed.
I'm pretty worked up now and I can't sleep. The thoughts that go through my head are random, but generally are of this nature: "You are rude and inconsiderate. Grow up. How does 10 minutes equate to 3.5 hours? Why aren't you saying anything? You think this is acceptable? Please, do not talk to me. Lord, why? Why did I choose this person to marry who only cares about her own fun?"
It doesn't stop there.
At 12:30 am the phone rings. It is one of her really drunk girlfriends calling. She is so loud, I know instantly who it is, and I cannot help but think to myself "Figures, XXXXX is involved. Of course my wife stayed out late, and didn't call, she's hanging out with the very immature people yet again."
I got up and slept on the couch all night. Starting an argument at 12:30am was not on my list of things to do right then and there. My wife did not say one word to me. I did not say one word to her. I got up early, and tired, and left for work.
I'm praying about this, but I am so angry right now. These are the moments I wish I was not married and I kick myself in the rear. It's seems senseless to argue to her about this, because her M.O. is to be hyper-defensive, that I am over-reacting, that she won't do it again.....but the fact of the matter is she will.
Lord, what will you have me do? Why do I feel like I am the only one in this marriage? That I am the only person that think about 'us', when I believe my wife only thinks of 'herself'?
Lord, please give me the wisdom to act accordingly and lovingly, but please understand why I am angry and help quell those feelings.
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