Rough Times

Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?

I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.

It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.

My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.

I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.

It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.

Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.

I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.

My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."

Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"

I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.

I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.

But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.

I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.

How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.

I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.

Ability vs Availability

"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."

Wow.

I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.

What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.

I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.

So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.

My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.

A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.

I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.

Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.

It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.

I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.

I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.

God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.

Evil behavior in youth.

"Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34)

I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.

A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.

I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.

I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.

But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.

But I digress from my original thoughts.

Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?

This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.

I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.

I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.

Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.

ADHD—or Is It Trauma?

I found this article on MSN today.

I found it pretty darn interesting and tried to apply some of the theories discussed to my own youtful past. However, I cannot make a correlation with a traumatic event as described in the article and my own behaviors.

I remember when that very first academic type shrink sat across from me and told me I had adult ADD after spending a mere 10 minutes with me. While that first meeting has already been about 4 years ago, his verbal diagnosis to me feels like it was just the other day.

"You know, since you've been in my office....you haven't stopped talking...and looking around restlessly."

Well yeah....I'm embarrassed to be here, not exactly why I am here other than my wife demanding it, I don't really know much about your profession or my surroundings, and I'm sick and tired of crying for no real reason or having panic attacks anywhere, anytime. Remember, you just asked me a question on how I was feeling......Well, I'm answering you....albeit in detail.

That's just me. I am a very detailed person. One of my pet peeves in life is vagueness, especially in the work place. I work in a technical field. Exactness is a requirement. Guesswork, shortcuts, and lack of information or decision making results in an incomplete or non-functioning environment. If you want me to fix it, or install it, I need to know the 'details' of how you want it done (where, when, how, etc.).

Anyway, I read this article and look back at my childhood. I did not suffer from physcial abuse. I was never around violence or drugs. My dad enjoyed his beer, but wasn't a classic 'drunk'. Maybe my mom was a bit over protective. Scratch that. She was indeed over-protective to a fault, and sadly perhaps I do occassionaly hold that against here.

There were times I was indeed very lonely as a kid. That's why I read so much and was so creative. But my parents, moreso my mom, really did try and provide eveything for me, including love.

I'll be honest. I'm not sure where and when thinsg starting going south at first. I suppose standing at God's vantage point and looking down there may have been a point on the continuum which is my life when I first began to change. Was it a chemical change? A hormonal change? something I saw? Dreamt? Did I just begin to perceive things differently? I have no idea.

Micahel Sewell revisited

I recently had the fortunate blessing of watching yet another Michael Sewell play, "Heart In a Box" and I was just as moved and impressed as I was when I first stumbled upon him by accident last year as a production at my church.

"Heart In a Box" is based on Mr. Sewell's own personal true life experiences and take the audience through his journeys of wild depression and how he got there to his attempts at suicide and finally the release of his burdens through the teachings of Christ and a new beginning at life.

I am in awe at the powerful, powerful message and I urge anyone who ever has a chance to see this 60-70 minute one man play to go out of your way and attend. I was very fortunate to have convinced my wife to attend as well, and I believe she enjoyed it though we didn't discuss it much afterwards.

Everyone can identify with a portion of the play with their own lives. I imagine in some cases some people can identify a lot more or closer to the material presented than others, or at the very least hopefully understand 'issues' that they may witness in loved ones or friends.

As much as I tried to be strong during the play, I did enivetably cry tears of self-conviction and remorse. While my own personal journey may have not as been as intense as Mr. Sewells, there are for me some very close parallels that I still cannot explain why Christ would show me mercy and forgiveness especially when I don't deserve it. I think my wife was silent because she could recognize some of those life struggles taking place within me, and maybe, just maybe there was an example in there that may have even applied to her to silently reflect on her own life's journey.

I'm sorry if I offend any Catholics reading this, but one thing as being raised as a former Catholic at a young age...the feelings of guilt are legendary and decades later I have problems shaking those base feelings that were indoctrinated at such an impressionable age. No, not all Catholics are like this, and there are plenty that do indeed know the Word and the Son for who they are, but self-inflicted guilt in the Catholic teachings can be gripping and crippling to some.

Earlier in the week I felt it was important to invite my neighbors to the play as well. I knocked on the door and spoke with the wife who is a self proclaimed aethiest. Her husband in a non-practicing believer who was sleeping at the time due to his wonky work schedule. I do pray for them on a regular basis. They are both nice and good people and have invited us over to their home and shared with us many a BBQ over the years and I hope that continues.

I let her know the play was free, no obligations, no strings attached, and religion would not be forced down their throats. "Look at it as a one man play that's over in an hour". She thanked me for the invitation and said she would get back to me later in the week.

I haven't heard from them since.

Needless to say I am a little saddened by this, and I don't want to push. All I can do is offer and pray and continue to try in the future.

Otherwise, I'd like to think my prayers, and hopefully yours for me are starting to work as well. My wife and my mother finally spoke this last week...which I suppose is a start. And I am happy to report my wife and I have been getting along very swimmingly this past week. She has been very nice and very cordial towards me, and very generous and giving as well.

These actions are appreciated, and I make it a point to let her know I am thankful. I thank her for the dinners she has been making, the work she has been doing, etc. I pray this continous as I enjoy this side of our relationship and her moreso than I do the other side that sends me in my emotional tizzies.

Relaxing evening

I look back at last night and figure it was long overdue.

Sorta a night to myself to a certain extent.

Yesterday was one of the busiest days of work I had in a long time. Our campus is pretty big but not really car friendly, so most of the time its less headache walking from building to building, but I put on a lot of mileage on my feet.

In one aspect its nice because the day goes by rather quickly, but on the other hand my mind was swimming in details and priorities on things that needed to get done before I went home.

When I finally did get home, sadly I was too tired to walk my dog...poor little boy. He means the world to me and is my saving grace to sanity once in a while, but I was too physically tired. Instead, he curled up on my lap and we watched TV together while I had a beer.

My wife did call me and say she would be late at work. Instead of being upset, it gave me the opportunity to sit down and play a video game. Some people laugh that at my age I play video games, but for me it is one of those complete stress relievers. Instead of a competitive shooter or something violent, I opted to play Guitar Hero III. While I have never been a complete fan of rock, metal, classic rock, or like genre's, there is something completely satisfying in getting absorbed into a hand-eye dexterity/coordination/immersion experience in full stereo. I have learned to appreciate some artists and songs I never would have batten an eyelash to before.

I played a full two hours, and when my wife did arrive at home finally, she made a wonderful salad. It was so good, I wish I could have had more...but then the dressing would have added some calories I didn't need that late at night. I guess it would be an oxymoron to then tell you I enjoyed a nice Jack on the rocks then.

Anyway, it was a state of bliss. I slept very well and was even surprised this morning when my wife brought me coffee in bed. Seriously! I was very delighted, surprised, and almost wondering if it were a set up that some shoe was going to drop....but it didn't. You see, the last two weeks has been such a emotional rollercoaster at home between us, that I wouldn't have expected this. These are the things that confuse me....how one day (or a series of days) can be so ugly, and then I seem to get a reprieve and my wife treats me very well. I sometimes believe this is her own way of apologizing to me as the word 'sorry' isn't in her vocabulary. Once she cools down over a period of a few days, there is change of behavior for the better. This is the woman I enjoy and love!

This morning I treated myself to a very large cup of Starbucks coffee as well, and while I know today will be busy as well, for some reason I just feel relaxed.

A New Day

Wow, I have to admit that the comments from Anonymous really had an effect on me. In a good way that is. The fact that there are a few people out there who actually read my entries and take the time to compose thier thoughts and send them my way are very encouraging.

Yesterday's post in retrospect did seem to take on a life of its own. I had only planned on making a few comments in return, and before I knew it I was writing my own novel.

Sometimes its good to do that. Write and write and write. Anybody who really gets to know me also knows that I love to read. On average I read 1-2 novels a month on top of a few magazines cover to cover, technical white papers, news articles, and tons of short stories. One gift I have always had is the ability to jugle multiple stories and not get them confused. I am able to set a book down, start another, return to the former and never miss a beat.

That kinda reminds me when the very first shrink I saw said he believed I had Adult ADD. He went on to say that it has to do short attention spans or the need to always have my mind occupied.

At first, I thought it was all a bunch of hooey, but as time went on I began to see things about myself that may lend some credence to his statements. Although I'm not always positive of the motivation behind it all.

In general, he's right. I had dull moments. I hate being bored. Dull momeents doesn't have to be about adrenaline rushes or full of physical activity either. The more I think of it, the more I realize I usually have to be engaged in something, and I'm quite content on doing it solo. Whether it be a video game, reading a book, building a puzzle, fixing something, watching something, talking about something.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my own defense mechanism. I engage in all sorts of things so I don't feel alone. So I don't have the time to be depressed or negative. It doesn't always work, but the more I listen to my family, freinds, and wife...they clearly know that I 'have' to be doing 'something'.

But I am envious of those who can find the peace and quiet and stillness in their lives. I have written before that there are occassions in which I wish I could shut EVERYTHING out. I paint vivid pictures in my mind of being elsewhere, like a country field next to a stream in the late afternoon....listening to a babbling brook, the wind through the brush, the warmth of the setting sun....and that's all. Other times I close my eyes and almost have to concentrate to relax. Shut out all thoughts and senses and just be one with the air surrounding me, trying to relax and melt into the environment. There are days I crave that peace of mind and stillness like you can't believe.

Anyway, here I go again, off onto another tangent I wasn't expecting.

I really just wanted to say that the posts and your comments from the previous few days have really had my mind working overtime and I had some one-on-one time with the Creator yesterday. It just wasn't about praying. It wasn't me asking for something to be fixed. It was more about 'sharing' my thoughts with him while I was walking my dog. While my body was tired from work, it was nice to take those 20 minutes and forget about the world as a whole and just 'hang out' with God.

I need to do that more often.

An open letter to 'Anonymous'

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your comments from my previous entry, and I do take them to heart. You made some excellent points towards the end, and I really do indeed try to make an effort these days to think before I speak...I try to speak in a calm and rational manner hoping to get across a certain level of respect and love as you point out. Sometimes I do better than others.

To clarify the context of my birthday present: It wasn't wrapped. My wife actually said if I wanted my gift, it was in the 'trunk of the car' and that I could grab it anytime.

Yes, my wife did indeed get me something I desired, but I believe that my wife waited until that morning when I was away at church to make an 'obligatory' purchase at the last minute, as if it were almost an afterthought. The fact that it was in the trunk, unwrapped, and I was told if I wanted it to go get it just before the phone incident leads me to believe it was last minute purchase.

I could be wrong, but we've been married for almost 5 years now, and I've witnessed my wife do this before with others. Where I do fall short is that you are right,....I guess I did 'expect' a gift which may have been selfish on my behalf. But I guess I also expected it wrapped and presented to me as well, which tends to be the norm for most birthday presents.

Do I think my wife loves me? Yes I do.

Do I think she treats me as a loving husband, her best friend, her chosen mate, for better or for worse? Sometimes yes, more often not as of late. But it wasn't always like this.

Maybe I am a bit over-sensitive and I continue to pray about this quite often. And I pray for my own tolerance, my own heart softening, getting over my own selfishness, my own humility and humbleness, and the condition of my own heart.

I would gladly give up any 'expected' birthday present to have back the woman I married 5 years ago who openly shared with me and treated me as an equal.

Are we the same couple that began dating almost 7 years ago? No. We both believe in God and Christ, but I admit that there was a time in my life I was complacent with the Word and my beliefs. I was the 'band-wagon' Christian who thought if I just put in my hour once a week, tithed a bit here and there, and if I treated people good the majority of the time, I was in the 'club'.

It was only when depression took hold of my life like a cancer, when the Enemy clearly had a foothold in my mind and riddled me with self-doubt, when pills and thoughts of ending it all seemed feasible did I succumb to and 'rediscover' God and Christs love and forgiveness towards me.

I began to realize how prideful I was, how much venom and bitterness I was carrying around, what a scum I really was. I also believe that this period of my life helped push my wife away at times.

Today, while still far from perfect, I also know that the Lord is indeed with me. I want to share that with my wife. I want my wife to grow closer to me again, and vice-versa and I want her to share in Christ's love and word as well. However, (at this time) she does not share the same amount of zeal for God, Christ, or church that I do today. It's a struggle for her to attend church at all. We rarely pray together. Her 'secular' actions and attitudes at times can be heartbreaking and a cause for concern. But I also realize not to long ago, I was acting just like that as well. Drinks and social activities were always at the top of the list. Christ unfairly was always towards the bottom.

Now I slightly going off track here, so I'll try and bring it back about.

I totally I agree that I should be cleaved from my parents, especially from my mom. I am trying not to make excuses for either my mother or myself, but I am an only child and I do feel at times that my parents do indeed care about my welfare moreso than my spouse. That may sound harsh, but that is indeed how I feel at times.

My wife has made it very clear on certain occasions where her priorities lie in life, and sadly through her actions and comments I seem to have been demoted from my original ranking. Now, in defense of my wife, my mother does make it hard at times to lead a normal life. Even at my age, my mother is very over-protective, very stubborn, and does have a tendancy to either butt-in when not wanted, or to droll on and on about trivial matters. There are days when the phone rings, I don't even want to pick up the phone because I cringe at the thought of a 20 minute diatribe of matters than shouldn't be her concern to begin with. That I do understand where my wife's frustration stems from, but my wife is a little less tactful in her responses and respect to my parents.

You made a comment that my wife's anger was 'born out of love'. I hope I don't come across as a smart alleck, but my wife must love me more today than she has ever loved me before. My wife has a tendency to get much more angrier, sarcastic, and haughty than ever before....to the fact I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore other than breathing. This may sound like a cartoonish exageration, but there are days where a very simple question will set her off. I cannot imagine in 100 years that she would talk to her own mother or father this way, let alone how I, her husband, deserves this scorn.

It is very hard to ignore that anger as you suggest. Is it because we are both Italian? Is it because I still have my 'explosive' moments as well? While at times it may seem to the reader of this blog I am a cowering shell of a man, believe me, it is only through God's grace that I haven't gone postal. I'm a big dude, and prior to my surgeries was very muscular, I even have friends today that say they wouldn't ever think about messing with me. They've seen me mad...both emotionally and physically. Today, while many of my tears come from sadness and fear, I have also shed many a tear because I can't think of another outlet for my anger. Meaning....sometimes I cry because its better than hitting, lest I seriously hurt someone or myself. I channel that deep seated hostility and anger from my fists and my tongue into sobs. While I do understand your suggestion that I may earn more respect and love from her during those tense moments, that is a challenge for me....one I am willing to take, but a challenge none the less.

So Anonyomus (and friends), I know this entry went on and on today.....for that I'm sorry if I lost focus, but Anon....Thank you for your words (I really mean it). I will have to digest them for a bit. I hear what you are saying. I agree with your logic and points, but how to apply them to my situation is a challenge for me.

Botton line: My wife and I are not equally yoked right now. We do love each other...but that love is strained right now because we are unequally yoked. Our priorities today are individual priorities, not those of a married 'couple'. I was an ass and fell away from God and I'm trying to climb that hill again with His help, no longer by myself. I want to climb that hill with my wife, but she tells herself that she is happy where she is at with her priorities, and God is not one of them and I'm not convinced I am either.

Ugh....

I really am at a loss of structured thought today on how to approach this post. I've been meaning to post the last few days, but I think there's been a part of me that has been avoiding it as well. I'm not even positive why I am doing it now, other than the fact its been weighing on my mind the last few days and hasn't been healthy keeping it bottled in.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and by far, it had to be one of the worst birthdays I have ever experienced...to the fact I hope I soon forget about it altogther. So then why write about it? Good question. Maybe so I can help think it out....digest it....get it off my chest....move on...discover something I hadn't considered before? Not sure.

I guess the precursor was the fact that my grandfather wished me happy birthday on the wrong day. In his defense, he is 90 years old, but for the most part has all his faculties, so I was little bummed when he called me up on the wrong day.

My step-daughter never called nor sent a card either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's par for the course.

I also have three close friends who call me every year. This year, one called.

So far nothing to earth shattering, but the day was still early.

Instead of having a nice dinner with my wife and parents, maybe a slice of cake....a series of unscripted and ludicrous pride issues between my mother and my wife erupted in a small scale skirmish of raised voices, tears, and hurtful words from both sides.

All I could do was sit and watch from the middle knowing no matter what side I took, the other side would be hurt and angry. There are very few instances I can ever recall where I find myself in the middle with literally no way out, and I'm not sure how I ever got there in the first place.

Such was my birthday.

I awoke...went to church by myself and enjoyed a brief hour of worship. When I arrived back home, my wife had just gotten up and soon the phone began to ring. I won't go into the details, but lets just leave it at the fact that both my mother and my wife, with decent intentions of their own are both very, very stubborn people and don't like to flinch. It's been this way since day one, very much like like that sitcom with Raymond, though theres no comedic slant here. On more than one occassion, they have both made me feel very uncomfortable, and even my wife throws in the occasional dig "Act you age and stand up." This comment always depresses me. There are times I stand up, more often that I like to. I take control of a lot of situations and am depended on doing things and making decisions for things that I don't feel I need to...but somebody has to. Thats a whole other post in and of itself.

Long story short...my wife and mother got into an epic argument on the phone....on my birthday. If I could have ran away right then and there un-noticed I would have. I wanted to put my head down, close my eyes, and wish this day was over. I wanted to drink (I did sneak some bourbon later).

For a while I was utterly speechless and in awe. Seriously. I was hearing what was going on and I just couldn't fathom this was actually happening.

I broke down.

Here I was, on my birthday, feeling more alone than I had in a long, long time. I cried. I couldn't even open my present from my wife. I just stared at the unopened gift and after witnessing what just transpired, felt absolutely ashamed to open it. Not ashamed because of something I did, but in the spirit of what I just witnessed and was feeling in general, I looked at the gift as given to me out of a feeling of obligation moreso than it was of love for me. As if my wife realized she didn't have anything for me, went to the store when I was at church, and bought it literally at the last moment.

I kept looking at the box more, and then I began to hear my wife say in my head "Grow up" over and over again...and it was said with such conviction and venom, I couldn't enjoy the present.

I let it sit for hours...unopened.

There was no birthday dinner that night. There was no cake. No ice cream. No outing.

I made myself a cold cut sandwich for dinner and went to bed.

What a crappy...crappy....crappy day.

A request for prayer.

Friends,

I humbly come before you to request your prayers, for both the state of my heart and the behaviors of my spouse.

Last night was one of those nights that takes a single episode to help blow out any previous progress I think we have made together.

I received a call last night at 5pm from my wife who said she was going to go out with a co-worker for a 'couple of hours', and that she would call me before she left and see if I wanted her to bring me home dinner.

The first thing that went through my head before I even responded was..."Right...Yet another example of how drinks and cigarettes and social fun take precedence over your husband." But, she did call me and offer dinner and I said 'okay', not wanting to be the bad guy.

Well a 'couple of hours' turned into 6 hours. She arrived home somewhat after 11pm last night, without a single word of explanation. She had clearly been drinking too...not a beer or two, but she was clearly buzzed.

No, I received no phone call, nor any offer of dinner as previously offered. I kinda figured by 8pm I was on my own, so I made myself dinner and spent time with my dog.

I'm not sure if I am angry, hurt, disapointed, or whatever my emotional state is right now. We didn't speak at all this morning. She knew I was in 'deep thought', and of all things to say to me, she asked "Why are you crabby.", in which I responded "I'm not." I didn't want to fight this morning, nor argue. I also don't want to talk to her right now either.

I don't know why, I'd think I'd learn by now, but I'm always astounded on non-chalant her attitude is about her daliances. Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I just think these actions are beyond rude and show no respect towards me at all. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last. It's moments like these I wish I was not married at all. I think that sometimes my emotional state and mental health would be much better otherwise. I could tell her how much this hurts me, but I wonder what good it would do? My sife just doesn't 'get it', and I always end up looking like the bad guy....always. There is really something to be said for the saying of entering into a relationship with someone who is "equally yoked." I feel that my wife and I aren't, and I look book over the past 5 years and wonder if we ever were.

Not only does this single incident really bother me, but its the aloof attitude and pattern of these decisions as well. I will hear for days on end as to why she is so tired to walk the dog for 20 minutes, how much work she has, doesn't have time for church, how she never has any time.....and then I see she has ample time to be out 6 hours for drinking and smoking, she has ample time to go bowling 3-4 hours on Mondays,...basically, at least in my eyes.....she always finds the time when alcohol and influential friends are involved, and everything else takes second fiddle.

Yes, I'm venting a bit now, and sorry if I come across as a victim and ramble on. I'm requesting prayer that Christ help change my outlook, give me peace of mind and settle my heart, and continue with forgiveness and understanding. I also ask that prayers be extended to my wife as well, to help her realize this behavior, not just for my sake, but her own safety as well can be destructive. I do love my wife...I'm just not sure I like being married right now.

Be Anxious for Nothing

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4: 6-7)

I'm a bit surprised I haven't had this passage memorized yet.

By some, much wiser and mature in the Word than me, have repeated these verses to me time and time again in the past when I was an emotional zombie.

During my state of flux, I may have nodded my head in agreement, but not really understanding the words spoken to me. With sore eyes, a red nose, and constant fatigue I'm sure I may have agreed to anything others were offering to me at the time. While I was always thankful for their caring words and prayers, I alos know there was a small portion of me that was tired of hearing any 'hullabalou' and just wanted to go to bed and close the door.

I'm approaching my 38th birthday very soon, and the stirring thoughts of emptiness rear their ugly head occassionaly. 38 years of age, married to a person who doesn't share all my beliefs, step-father to a teenage girl who really doesn't acknowledge me, working at a mundane job which is often more tiring than satisfying, in-debt, never been on my honeymoon let alone a vacation in the last 5+ years, and very concerned about the spiritual salvation of most of my family can be very daunting.

Two nights ago I was in the shower, and a wave of sadness washed over me. I began to think of my grandparents and my aunt and uncle(s)...not sure if any of them are saved. I began to think of my wife and her priorities (in which I question where I rank and where God is on her list at times). I began to be feel depressed again about the future....a future in which I am elderly and my parents and blood relatives are long gone. If my wife continues to smoke, I may outlast her as well...that is unless I have a heart attack first. I really fear being alone one day. Oh, I may have neighbors that are friend, I may have people at church who visit, but I'm really facing the fact I am the last of my own blood line.

And I have to read these verses over and over to remind myself....

"Be anxious in nothing ...." ..maybe secular things? The trivial things? Don't sweat the small stuff? Trust God?

"... but in everything ..." salvation? Peace of mind? The big picture? Take one day at a time?

"...by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." We all must remember to do this. Take a step back and put things ito perspective.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ....You're right, I don't understand, but despretly aware I need this to help calm my spirit and take these negative thoughts away from me. Why worry about the future for things I do not yet know how they will unfold, or if God has a plan for me that hasn't even been put into motion yet.

Words to live by

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - (Isaiah 41:10)

It's one thing to read and understand this verse. It's a totally different thing to actually 'live' it.

I read this verse last Sunday and have been mulling it over in my head almost the entire week, looking for some angle on it to share with you, but I really can't come up with one.

For all intents and purposes, it's pretty straight forward, and really doesn't need an explanation. It seems as if it would be common sense to any believer, but when the chips are down, do we remember these verses and promises in earnest?

Man tends to breaks promises all the time. We even make promises to God.....and we too often break them before long. But can anyone really point out a promise that God has broken towards us? If anything, we as mortals once again are always looking for the fine print, the legal disclaimer, the loop hole. It's as if God's promises are just too good to be true, or the fact we've never encountered someone who hasn't let us down at least once in our lives.

To me, when I read this, I can't tell the type of voice God is using. Is He using His authoritative voice of creator of everything to boldly claim: "Do Not Fear, For I Am With You..." or is God your best friend and in full compassion and love and sincerity does He put His hand upon your shoulder, smile warmly and softly whisper: "Do not fear, for I am with you..."

I'd like to think both are true at the same time. The first a commandment of obeyment and instilling a level of confidence within me. The second, a brotherly hug of security to say we will weather this storm together my child....as always.

The thing though with us is we tend to forget these words and promises in any form. For all the times I worry and get scared, and suffered from panic attacks, I often wonder how many hours of my natural life have I shaved off from fear. When my wife and I fight. When I lost my job. When things began to crumble and there was nothing in 'my' control to shore them back up...I succumbed to paralyzing fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of bills, fear of security robbing me of many months of happiness. These overwhelming fears began to eat me from the inside like a slow cancer.

Loss of sleep, loss of appetite, loss of sanity. Of course these then spilled over into my social life as well....Fear of sharing, fear of pity, fear of intimacy. When these fears begin to prevail, they then take a darker turn. You begin to wonder if your friends and family think are judging you, comparing you, etc. The downward spiral seems as if it is spinning out of control.

I seem to forget the part where God proclaims: "I will strengthen you and help you." But I think this is only true if two conditions are met; 1) We remember to ask God to give us strength and help, and more importantly, 2) We accept with our hearts and place our trust that His words are indeed true, and His promises are unbreakable to us and free of charge.

Mental Images of Encouragment

I heard a very pleasant antedote the other day that I'd like to share with everyone.

Sometimes these little play on ideas and simple descriptions, once they sink in, can make you smile:

It is said that God loves and considers every one of us His precious children. So much so in fact, that if God carried a wallet, He'd have a picture of every single one of us in it, and proudly show us off to anyone who asked.

"Underwood also said such fantasies began about the time he started taking the antidepressant Lexapro. Defense attorneys plan to call witnesses during the penalty phase on his use of the drug."

Above is a direct line from a horrific story here I came across on CNN.com. I'll warn you ahead of time, it is a graphic story that involves a homicide and the details are disturbing.

I've noticed a trend as of late that the news seems to mention the types of antidepressant drugs involved when it comes to notable crimes of this nature. It was only a few weeks ago we learned that the young man who shot and killed students, then took his own life at Virgina Tech was also, as his girlfriend stated: "Off his meds."

While I do indeed believe there is some merit when drawing a correlation between antidpressant drugs and recent news stories, it's also pretty dangerous to draw such correlations as well.

According to the Wikipedia entry on 'Escitalopram' (aka Lexapro), some side effects of Lexapro include nausea, gastrointestinal issues, drowsiness, dizziness, and some sexual side effects. There was no mention of violent tendancies or 'fantasies' as Underwood recounted.

From my own personal experience, I can agree with the gastrointestinal issues, but nausea, dizziness and drowsiness were very mild for me. I didn't suffer any sexual side effects, other than maybe a diminished sex drive. But I was so moody, depressed, angry, bitter, sad, etc....that sex was the last thing on my mind anyway, so I am not to sure if Lexapro affected me in that arena or not.

In a not-so, but somewhat related tangent....did you know that Scientology doesn't allow its cult members to use antidepressants? I've heard similar accounts for Jehovah Witnesses as well, but I'm not 100% positive of that claim or not. I only mention this because I thinks its a bit strange that a few religions don't believe in the use of certain medications or doctors in general, but I argue that God gave man the intelligence and gifted brains to create such modern medicinal miracles. Look at Aspirin as a case in point.

This reminds me of an analogy I once heard. A couple's home town was devestated by a flood, and they found temporary shelter on the roof of their house and began to pray in earnest that they be saved by God. After a day or two, a boat comes along side the house and offers rescue, but the couple rejects it in belief that God will deliver them. Two more days go by and finally a helicopter finds them and drops them a ladder, but again they refuse, stating God will rescue them. Unforunately, the couple dies and they find themselves in heaven and complain to God that they were too young to perish, that they had prayed, and wondered why God had let them perish, abandoning them. God in turn replied, "My children, I did hear you. I am the one who sent you the boat and the helicopter."

So I am digressing a bit here. The point is God has given man the ability to use his hands, skills, talents, and minds for medical purposes....so don't reject them outright because some religious figures say not to, or just pray, and if you have enough faith, then you will be cured. I don't think it works that way.

So back to my original thought....I was very disturbed to read that CNN made it a point to mention the Lexapro tidbit, as if to lead readers to believe this may be the cause of this mans mental state. I believe Mr. Underwood was/is mentally unstable as it is, and they didn't state his history of use. Meaning, did he just start taking it? Was he on and off? What was the dosage? Were other factors involved?

My personal experience was I started with 5mg at first. When I mentioned I didn't feel much different at the end of two weeks, my dosage was adjusted to 10mg. Again, when I was really having a tough time and felt that death was indeed an option, my dosage was upped upped to 20mg a day. I'll be honest...I don't know what the upper limit is on dosages, or what the average dosage is. I suspect it's different for everyone and my 20mg may be enough for me, but not enough, or possibly too much for someone else. But I was also told that I had to take it every day, and could take 5 weeks, maybe more, for my body to accept the drug and regulate, and by missing one day may mess up the whole treatment. I don't know one way or another.

What I do know is that I didn't have any 'fantasies' at all. The exact opposite happened. I just felt numb. I was indeed aware that my emotional controls centers seemed diminished. I was always 'even keel'...not overly angry or sad, but never happy and joyous either. Like my mind was muddled when it came to socializng with others. I could still think and do my job, but interaction with others just seemed off. Jokes weren't funny. Songs didn't have me tapping my feet. But my anger was also gone, as was many of the negative emotions as well. There was no more black or white...just grey, if that makes sense.

So what were these fantasies? Is it possible that Mr. Underwood was 'encouraged' or 'tricked' by one of Satans minions? We live in a corrupt world, and I am making no excuse for Mr. Underwood. He should be held accountable, and receive the appropriate punishement. But I wonder how depression takes so many different forms, and if weak willed people (including myself at times) can be influnced by those who really want to seperate us from God and drive us further into sin and madness...i.e. demonic forces. I believe that a certain seperation from God does allow for certain heinous acts to be carried out easier than if someone did have an inkling of Gods knowledge within oneself.

For reader James

James,

Thank you so much for your comments and sharing with me your personal struggles as well.

I hope you don't mind me making a post out of this, but I want to share something with you and everyone else today.

I haven't had much to write here the last two weeks or so. What initially starts as a random thought here at some random place which I want to express and share with you all, I can never seem to actually remember it when I finally sit down to a computer.

Strangely, the last day or two I have had a strong itch to write something, but I didn't know what. I also coulnd't explain this strong urge either. In conjuction with jumbled feelings these last two weeks, I have't had had the heart to go to church. Oh, deep down I know I should have gone, and even felt a twinge of guilt for not going, but I was justifying it by convincing myself "my heart is not in the right place, so it'll just be a waste of time."

Others would say this is indeed the exact right time to go so that perhaps the Holy Spirit can minister to a confused and unlistening heart. I dunno.

Needless to say, I was very happy and moved as well to read your comment, and believe that I was led here again today to receive it and to tell you you are not alone. James, I will pray for you in your struggles as they seem to mirror my own. Sometimes it is indeed better to talk to someone on the outside world, as I know speaking to my own wife and family about these topics can be frustrating and unfulfilling at times. I don't know how many times I thought I had the courage to say something to my wife, when in reality I didn't. I thought maybe because she'd really begin to think I was 'damaged', or it was a sign of weakness. That'd there's no way she'd ever understood no matter how often she nodded her head.

I do indeed believe times does heal wounds, and it is still an ongoing process. There are moments I see a complete and utter positive change in our relationship and think can be bliss for days on end, but then one stray comment or something else can throw all that out the window. You can surround yourself with loved ones and friends, and pills, and therapy.......but at least for myself the turn began when I finally came to terms that I was depressed and unhappy and not in control....a process in which I think you are going through now.

The next step for me was to take in stock that God and Christ never left me....I had left them...and only by re-allowing them into my heart (not an easy thing to do for many males), did I begin to have small break throughs.

Anyways,....again...thank you James for making my day...and please stop by again or feel free to write my direct e-mail if you so choose.

Frustration and Heaven

"Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this was not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am." (John 14: 1-3)

I have had a multitude of thoughts on various things lately (nightmares, lust, sin, love, marriage, death, unemployment), and unfortunately their themes seem to be more negative than positive as of late. I wonder if this is how I am wired. There are just some people you see in movies, cartoons, and moral stories which always seem to have cloud over their head of one degree or another. I know I've felt this way for a few years now, much more aware of negative or unpleasing situations/issues in God's eyes than positive ones, despite the amount of prayer I lift up to Him to unshackle my burdens.

I also come to the logical conclusion that I have yet to let go ov everything, and thus put 100% of my trust and faith into God no matter how many times I read the commandments to do so. As a human, I still want to control my own desinty, fix my own problems, to get myself out of my own messes. It's as if I need to work for my salvation....clearly man's flawed interpretation, not God's, because His mercy, forgivess, love, and salvation are gifts....free of charge...to all those that accept.

But I've been so indoctrinated from the worlds belief that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". Well, God says there is, and his deli is always open...it never closes and it is always stocked. But I stand before this deli, have my hand on the door, and I'm still worried about how much cash I have in my pocket.

Needless to say two main overlapping themes have been plaguing me the last few days: frustration and life in heaven. Oh, I assure you, these aren't my only thoughts. I have had plenty I could dwell on for days, but it seems these two are garnering the most attention in my frontal lobe.

First, there are both some very clear definitions of heaven, and some other descriptions which are maddeningly vague. Revaltions describes a new Heaven and a new Earth, a perfect square of 1,400 miles wide as it is deep. Streets of gold and twelve gates encrusted with pearls, and foundations made of pecious jems. Sadness and tears will be no more and evil vanquished. There is no night, we are to have new bodies, there will be no sea, and Jesus proclaims he is preparing a 'place' for eash of us.

But what exactly is this place? Is it a room? Is it an actual house? Dorm room? Condo? Will we share with our loved ones, or is each place meant for one singular being? If there is no night, then will we ever sleep or be tired in heaven? Personally, on occassion I do enjoy cuddling up in bed and staying warm, especially with my dog or a good book. Will these things be no more? I enjoy food and cooking and BBQ's, but in Heaven, will I eat and share meals with others?

Many theologians state that marriage does not exist in heaven either. So will I care if I see my wife there? How about any of my ex-girlfriends? Will I have intimacy in heaven as we have carnal relations here on earth? It's too mind boggling at times.

And finally it is described that a new Heaven will resemble a city. Will we have jobs in this city? Will I get frustrated and perhaps bored with my job?

This leads me to my second theme: frustration.

Today at my job, I was frustrated with the task at hand and with myself. A simple 5 minute job (if everything was in place) ended up being closer to an hour. I had to walk back and forth between the same two points multiple times because something was marked wrong and I had to double check the connections. On one trip I forgot my tools, so I had to go back and get them, then place them, then test again, then pick up my tools. I began to mutter under my breath at myself and at the person who incorrectly labeled things to begin with. And then I had to remind myself in my mounting frustration, that this is trivial overall and I should be thanking Jesus for providing me with a job to begin with. Despite the menial tasks and my escalting bitterness, I lost sight that I had a job, and Jesus tells me to do the best I can at what is provided to honor Him. Oh boy.

Then of course the logical progression of my thoughts turned to heaven again. If I have a job in heaven, will I too get frustrated if I forget a tool there? Can a carpenter in heaven accidentally smash his thumb? Can we make a mistake in our job and will these jobs ever be rewarding if there is no challenge?

Scientists say we only use about 10-15% of our brain. Imagine in heaven we use 100%? I can't comprehend this stuff.....which of course is frustrating in and of itself.

V-Day, 2008

Well, yesterday was just like any other day at our house. Maybe because we both work and my wife is on a very strict diet, we opted to stay home.

In the morning we exchanged a few gifts. I got a pair of novelty boxers I'll probably never wear (white with red hearts all over them), and I got my wife some boots and a gift card to download digital songs.

The person that made out the best was my dog. I bought him some toys, and my parents got him a designer leash, harness, and treats.

Actually, we didn't make a big deal out of Valentines Day because supposedly tomorrow my wife is going to surprise me. She is taking me somewhere overnight, and even right now I have no clue as to where. I'm trying to picture where we are going for 24 hours, and I have no idea. I just hope we don't have to drive too far, and also hope there is something to do. I am sure there will be, because I think my wife knows I wouldn't enjoy spending hours in a car to a destination that I'll be bored at despite her company.

I give her credit though. I do recognize the fact she planned this all by herself and took the reigns to plan it out...something she used to do when we were dating. I like surprises, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt right now, but I am a little leary of this 24 hour get-away.

I'm taking Monday off from work as well, as is she. We'll be cleaning out the garage, and I'm hoping that both of us will be able to seperate from some junk that is just taking up space, and I'll be happy if we can get at least agree on chucking 20-25% of what we have in storage.

Since I will be gon this weekend, that means no church on Sunday or men's group on Saturday. Part of me is kinda bummed, since last week my heart really wasn't into it. Maybe one more week will help recharge my thirst for spirituality?

Dazed

That's how I feel today.

I just wrote my wife a long email and sent it to her. I hope she reads it with an understanding and open heart. Sometimes, I fear that when I open up, I'm not being the typical male and look like some complaining baby in her eyes. Yes, I'm a very sensitive male.

The last few days, the amount of sleep I've been getting is a little below average. I've also had that familair feeling of anxiety creeping up by the occassional tightness in my chest, but I don't know what is casuing it. My dreams have been a little darker lately too...not full blown nightmares, but nothing overly pleasant either.

Things at home have been going fairly well otherwise. My wife is doing very well on a diet. She's lost almost 18 lbs the last 4 weeks. In retrospect, I should be more outwardly supportive and complimentary, but I often forget.

Today is my step-daughters birthday....and I totally forgot. I should know better, and now I do have some guilt feelings over it. I wish my wife would have reminded me or at least gave me a card to sign. But that's not her fault. I should know better, which is yet just another reminder that my relationship with my step-daughter isn't where it should be from my perspective.

It's also another reminder that I don't have any of my own children, and while I am happy for my friends, I was reminded yesterday that they just had a baby and another friend of mine is actively trying with his wife. And we aren't. I wonder if that's because my wife still thinks I am not ready because of my mental state, because her lifestyle is changing a bit now, or she just gave up because of all the past difficulties we had conceiving in the past and she's beyond trying again, just to be let down.

I told my one friend the other day that I do hope I die before my wife when we get older...because I won't have anyone to look after me someday. I know this sounds like I'm rehashing the past, but I truly do feel I will die alone. And this saddens me and breaks my heart more than I can ever explain to my wife.

It doesn't help that its Valentines day this Thursday, and I'm drawing a complete and utter blank. The best I can do right now is buy a card for my wife and my parents, but all creativity that I was known for at one time seems gone. I can't think of any gift other than a cliche dinner and flowers which is soo typical and expected. There's no creativity in that, and yet when I look at my wife (or think of my parents)...nothing comes to mind. Nothing. And that makes me feel crappy as well.

Anxiety returns

The last few days I feel a sense of foreboding looming over me, yet I cannot place a finger on any one marker.


I've been restless the past four days, especially in my own spirit and mind, and I haven't been praying about it with all much sincerity either which I am just realizing now.


Friday, a young woman passed away at my place of employment. She was in here mid 30's. That is the second person who has passed away here at that age in the last few months, and it really put a damper on my mood. I think i knew who she was...she worked within my own building, but I never really spoke with her, perhaps a brief 'Hello' in mere passing at best.


It's true. You just never know. You could be in excellent health with no visible signs when God decides your time on Earth is at its end. I don't know if she was a believer or not, but the news of her death affects me none-the-less. It makes me take stock into my acts and works and attitudes while I am here.


I drank Friday night. More than I probably should have. I had both whisky and vodka, and as a result had a restless night. Saturday morning I tried to study the bible, but again, my thoughts were distanced and scattered. I could not focus at all, and no messages was making itself known for me to glean.

I was tired and went to bed early Saturday, but to no avail. For as fatigued as both my body and mind seemed to be, my restless dreams woke me up numerous times thoughout the night. So much so, I made a selfish excuse not to go to church on Sunday. I do feel a tad guilty about that, but my heart really wasn't in it. And of course my sleep last night was just as restless. I tossed and I turned, never falling into a deep sleep. I was up a few times, and I has a slight paign in my chest. It felt like a cross between tension and the early stages of one of my panic attacks, but teh more I sat there to think about it, the more I couldn't think of one thing that was getting under my skin. I've been thinking about work lately, a bit more than I usually do, but I'm not sure enough to keep me up at night.

I prayed today while driving on my way to work. Here I am asking God to remove my anxiety, and yet I felt a certain conviction in my heart as to what a horrid person I can be with my thoughts. Memories of anger and bitterness from a couple of years back came to mind, and I wondered "Whe the heck am I thinking this right now?" I have no answer for that.

Admission of a stranger

It's been a few weeks since my last post, and even I can't recall where I may have been going with the last post.

As I was telling someone else recently in some email correspondance, I have had both good days and bad days as of late. Thankfully, there have been more good days than bad, and only once did I seriously consider going back on the Lexapro to get me through a rough patch.

The last two weekends I haven't been feeling 100%. I've been a bit more tired, both physcially and mentally. I've also felt a little sore, and to be honest, wasn't really into doing anything...even church. So I skipped the last two Sunday's, and I'm not even sure why.

I listened with great interest to a talk radio show the other day in which one of the shows engineers had discussed his dealing with depression and his current regime of Lexapro. I was happy he was so open with it and defending his choice, while his friends thought he was 'just popping pills', and that this depression was 'all in his head'. Well, duh, it is!!

They couldn't understand why this man was on pills, but all did comment that he was overly cheery now, and maybe its a false effect to who he really is. That may be, but unless you know yourself and the emotional pain and guesswork depressed people go through, there really is no way they can explain and have others understand. Heck, I don't even understand myself.

You see, years ago I was one of those doubters; one of those guys on the outside that didn't understand why depressed people were 'depressed'. Why did they need to take pills? To me, it was just an excuse, running away from the real issues, hiding behind the convienence of a perscription. I thought if people were depressed than a few things were wrong (and it wasn't the brain): it was they were not surrounding themselves with loving and supportive people. It was they had no faith in God. That they were seeking attention, crying wolf, etc.

Then the tables were turned and I fell into the pit, and now I realize how wrong I was.

My family loves me, more than I can ever describe....but their words did not help me. My mother shook her head at me on more than one occasion stating the pills were an easy way out. You see, she stills thinks like I did. My father was a little more understanding. Admittedly, he doesn't know much about depression, but he knew something 'deeper' was wrong, and offered his company to me when I was sitting home alone staring at the floor. We didn't speak much during those times, but I know he was scared enough that he didn't want his only son to do something 'crazy'. Even though he may never tell me, I have a sense that he believed I was close to the edge and I may do something stupid. Most likely not, but I won't lie and say the thoughts never crossed my mind.

Anyway, back to the radio show.... I was amazed on how many of these friends of the 'engineer' knew he was depressed, and offered no real help at the time. Now they see him as a happier person, but at the same time criticized him for taking pills in the first place (as if he couldn't help himself), and aloc commented that he's not himself. Wow! He's not himself? Well of course not...he's now happier and cheery and out from under the dark cloud that he was under 24x7. Did they not like change? Would they rather have the old friend back, full of doom and gloom, and crabbiness? Apparantly. And that to me, is scary.

I wonder how many of my friends and family feel that way about me? That's why I don't really let on to my issues with my friends. Only my wife and my parents and you blog readers know about my meds. I am not 100% honest even with my best friends....for fear on how they will react or look at me.

Headaches

It's been a week since my last post.

I've had a lot on my mind, but then again, when don't I?

Sometimes I wonder if it's just my chemistry that I am to be a naturally stressed person? Is it nature or nurture? I can look back and think my mom coddled me for so many years that I didn't have the 'typical' boyhood, but who really is to say certain events or actions crafted me and there wasn't something already planted inside from creation that would also contribute to how I act or react to things. I won't get all philosophical today, it's too early for that.

Anyway, I mentioned last time I think I need to get a physical. I haven't made the appointment yet. It seems like life is too busy. I often forget to take a time out and take care of things. I'm always misplacing bills, my wallet, my keys. It's as if I get so wrapped up into other things, I take the trivial things and some important things (like a physical) for granted.

When I do have any spare time, I tend to shut the rest of the world out and get lost in my own moments. Like last night. My wife had a business dinner (which I always find 'questionable' to begin with.) and didn't come home until 10:15pm. Why do I say these are questionable? Well, they always seem to 'pop-up' at the last minute, usually involve no specific time frame, and always involve drinking. This isn't part of her job description, and I am highly suspect that she is 'required' to go to these. Why can't one just say 'No, I'm not going out late after hours to a bar and then drive home in the middle of the week at last minutes notice.' I know in the past I have said No, and the facts are, my wife's position in the company is not high profile enough to warrant her attendance. But that's neither here nor there. Last night, I really didn't care. Last night meant that instead of coming home and walking the dog, paying a bill, putting away Christmas decoration or cleaning up around the house, that I would be playing Xbox from 6pm to 10:30pm. And 4.5 hours of online gaming is exactly what I did, and I don't feel guilty about it.

What I do feel a tad guilty about is that I didn't go to church last weekend. I couldn't give the Lord 1.5 hours of my life. I made a justification that I wasn't feeling well, which was the truth, but not enough to keep me away for 1.5 hours.

I've been having these headache spells the past week. Bordering on migraine's, they have hit me at work, at home, on the weekend. Last Saturday night I even got nauseated for about 60 seconds at one point. Extra strength aspirin did 'help' but did not make them go away completely. Of course I think it's related to stress, or I'm a candidate for an aneurysm, or I have a brain tumor, or something. My wife says I need to get this checked out, but she needs a lot checked out herself so when I don't go to the doctor and she gets upset with me, I turn it right back around on her and she usually gets quiet. Not an appropriate or loving way to win an argument, but effective.

I hadn't been drinking, alcohol that is, and I've been drinking plenty of water and caffeine, so I don't know why. Last night I had a real hard time sleeping too. I must have stared at the clock until after 1am before I fell asleep, and I could have slept in more today if not for work. I don't want to go to work today either. I just had almost two weeks off for the holidays to 'recharge' my batteries, but all I can think about is sitting hoem and playing a video game or watching tv or going to the gym or going for a nice long drive, not sitting in a cubicle answering assinine questions that seem to irritate me for whatever reason.

2008 already starting in question (Part I)

Hello everyone. I hope that everyone that stops by here has enjoyed their holiday season. Overall, I think I did, though I will admit along with many 'highs', there were a few 'lows' as well...mostly when I was alone with my thoughts.

There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.

My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.

I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.

Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.

How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.

Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.

Best Wishes all

“He will wipe away every tear from our eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4)

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Christmas time togther with your family, and that 2008 may be a blessing.

I know I have learned a lot this past year. I have grown in His word, but still have such a long way to go. I look back and contemplate things that I thought were important to me, really aren't that big after all in the grand scheme of things. I strive to remember that when times are tough, and news is horrid, that I must continue to release control into His hands and place my faith in Him and not those in the world.

I look forward to the day that there will 'no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.'

God Bless and hope to see you all back in 2008.

Humbled by Angel Boy Art

If anyone on occasion happens to watch ABC's 'Extreme Home Makeover', you will take note on various tragic stories affecting families, and sooner or later a particular episode (or two) will bring tears to your eyes.

Such was the case of the story of Louis Vitale Jr. of Vermont. When born, he was not expected to live due to a debilitating birth defect. Louis Jr. has since survived the first few critical days of life, and currently at age 2 now lives with his mother, father, and brother (who is 5).

Louis Jr. is considered a 'special needs' child and is fed through a stoma in his stomach, and needs help breathing from a stoma in his trachea. He is wheel chair bound and has limited mobility, slightly disfigured, and may never talk.

Within the first 2-3 minutes of the show, I and my wife were heartbroken. Here I sit in my home worrying about the day to day minutiae that may or may not come to pass, and here this little boy is born into a loving family who parents have the courage of reinforced steel, and he suffers daily.

As therapy, his parents started Angel Boy Art where special needs children like Louis Vitale Jr. can express themselves through art, because of all the other difficulties they suffer. It truly is an amazing story and I encourage you to visit their gallery here, and maybe pick up a print or learn more about Louis Jr., his family and the whole Angel Boy Art project.

However I couldn't help think back to the old non-beleiver argument of "If there is a God of love, why do innocents suffer?" I admit, I think of this as well. Everytime I turn on the news and I see a child or animal born into heinous circumstances and wonder to myself: "Why would God allow this?" These thoughts are then followed up my my own self-guilt and shame for complaining about things that compared to Louis Jr. are trivial. Then in my head I often make bold assumptions: "Well, this should be a one-way ticket to heaven if there ever was one", or "I hope Jesus takes care of them for all the crap they didn't ask for down here in this cesspool".

I have mixed emotions as well: anger, sadness, frustration, empathy, guilt, compassion and much more, but they are so jumbled up inside.

I watched this show for its 1 hour (minus commercials) and I was a wreck as a deplorable human being. And then I thought this poor boy is like this 24 hours a day, for over two years, and who knows how many more years to come?

Louis Vitale Sr., the father then put me in my place as only I hope I can achieve one day in my spiritual thinking: "I learn from my son everyday. There is a reason for this. The reason being that Louis Jr. is a teacher, and he teaches everyone who comes into contact with him on how to be a better person.".......

.......

Ug, like a hammer to the chest, I sit humbled though still confused and distraught why a God of Love allows for this to happen. Louis Jr., does indeed teach people every day. He teaches them compassion, like an animal, he teaches unconditional love despite his short comings and obstacles. Somewhere inside each of us, the Holy Spirit makes himself known as we despretely groan inside for the boys comfort and ease of pain. We thank God that we are healthy, and we want to pray for others sufferings and salvation. Perhaps Louis Jr., will inadvertantly bring some who are on the fence closer to God. Maybe he will remind us how feable we all are. I can go on and on here, but I think you get the gist. At least I think I got the gist, though I wonder if there are other ways God could go about it.

But then I think back to original sin. God did not want any of his children or creations to suffer, and someday, again, He will wipe away all tears and we will be filled with unyielding joyfulness. It was mans arrogance that brought us into our sinful nature, and despite all the evil and 'bad' things that happen, Christ gives us a choice. We have fallen, but He wants to help all of us back up...not to be our crutch in the world...but to look forward to the day when all this earthly pain and suffering is finally over. It is up to each and every one of us to make that decision within our own hearts.

Jesus, Thank You so much for Louis Jr....he reminded me once again that my stuff is of a selfish nature. Louis Jr. has brought me once again before you to pray for children everywhere, and those of my friends and family and non-believers. He reminds me of unconditional love, and how great parents and communities can indeed be when they look past the problems right in their face, and base everything they do on faith!

You can't please everybody.

The Bible tells us that this ignorance is "willful" (Psalm 10:4). It's not that a person can't find God, but that he won't. It has been rightly said that the "atheist" can't find God for the same reason a thief can't find a policeman. He knows that if he admits that there is a God, he is admitting that he is ultimately responsible to Him. (- Ray Comfort)

Some time back I posted on my blog here I came across a site in regards to famous people who claim to be atheists. As I suggested then, and I stand by that now, I feel somewhat saddened for them all and bummed to find out some of the people I looked up to in life are non-believers.

The best I can do for those that are still alive today is to pray for them, because I believe all things are possible in His time and His will. The softening of hearts can indeed happen, and there are plenty of examples in the bible in which stated atheists found God later in life.

As Ray Comfort points out, ignorance is "willful", though this may sound a bit harsh. I can tell atheists that I too have been known to struggle. My faith has been questionable at times, and even though I do believe today, I'd be lying if I said the thought never occurred to me: "If there is a God, then why did X happen to me, or to Y, or how could He allow this to take place?"

Hey, I wish I had the answers. Not only for atheists, but for me as well. It'd sure make my life a lot simpler, or I suppose all of our lives simpler if we never had a reason to question God's existance or sovereignty over us all.

I received some comments from a person lately in regards to that post that simply said: "U Suck." Well, on some days I surely do. There are days I am deplorable and wonder why Christ would die for me, let alone anyone else, and ask nothing in return other than my love, and sharing that love with others. There are days I look in the mirror and cannot even love myself, and I've shared my anger and bitterness in regards to people around me and how 'unfair' life is.

So someone telling me that "I suck" multiple times, because I am concerned with the salvation of some very talented and influential people, in the grand scheme of things, does little to me. Oh, yes, if you're reading this, you did indeed cause me some ire; I am writing about it now aren't I? However, in the end all that be all, believe me, you have to do a lot better in your argumentative skills other than "U suck" to even begin to shake me. You can't shake someone who has already been at their lowest, 'cause I've already been there and knows how miserable life can be without God. And I'm not saying my life today is a bed of roses...not by a long shot. I'm still a new person in Christ, and admittedly I am not mature enough to debate anyone for that matter. How arrogant would I be if I claimed I could?

The one thing that you did indeed accomplish, is that you know have me praying for you along with praying for myself. And while I may continue to suck for quite some time in your eyes for caring for others eternal peace, perhaps one day we will meet, God willing, in the afterlife and we can share a hug and look back at this on how we first met and you came to know the Lord. Perhaps you will make my own faith grow stronger as well.

100th post - A long road to get here.

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this?" (Job 12:7-9)

Didn't really dawn on me until a few posts ago that I was coming up my 100th post. And I can't say that I had given much thought on what I was going to say.

A lot has transpired in almost two years. I lost a loved one, I had a surgery, I lost my job, my marriage was rocky, I drank, I was under a lot of stress, I was diagnosed bi-polar and depressed and thus medicated for both, and my walk with the Lord was questionable at best.

There was a period of time I cried daily, if not hourly. I wanted to run away, to disappear into the night and start over elsewhere leaving everyone behind. I had thoughts of suicide, but alas to chicken to carry any of those thoughts out. I realized a lot of my pride got in my way of a number of things and in short I was not a happy person to be around. I didn't even want to be me.

I think of the young man, Robert Hawkins, who just yesterday took the life of 7 people at a mall in Nebraska, and then turned the gun on himself and ended his own existence bringing the count of to 8. I am saddened for him, and the victims, and the affected families as well. Strangely, I am not filled with anger towards his selfish and perhaps cowardly act, because, dare I say I too know the pain of depression and the feelings of hopelessness and emptiness.

And then there was God. Correction; then there IS God.

Oh, I always knew there was a God. That's never really been a doubt of my life that He exists, it just seemed like He wasn't existing in my life. I realize now that it was me who wasn't allowing Him in. My words and actions and the condition of my heart were blinded to Him.

I know I said this before, and some of you may think I am strange, but I believe in my own heart that God exposed His true love for me through my dog. When I sat broken and listless, when I thought my wife could have been more supportive and I was sick of everyone else's cliches, it was my dogs limitless devotion and love to me, his owner, that began to break down my walls.

It wouldn't be too much longer before I felt a calling to go back to church. To try and let go of my pride (easier said than done...even today) and learn to submit to His will and His control.

It was a long road, and I'll never say I am 100% cured now (maybe someday), for I occasionally have relapses when my emotions seem to get the better of me (usually when the enemy is there to try and knock me back on my ass), and sometimes they do.

The attacks are stronger sometimes than others, and I can't say that I don't feel doubt here and there about everything.

But having God back in my life has allowed me to turn the corner. Oh, it's an uphill battle, but today I am standing up taking it one step at a time, rather than sitting staring at an empty bottle or contempt for humanity.

I wonder about Robert Hawkins. Did he finally find peace that has plagued his mental state for however long? Could I have ever reached that level if pushed hard enough? Were the other victims saved and do they find themselves in heaven today, or did they reject Christ once given the chance before and decided that religion could come at a later time? I don't know and I don't think any of us ever will.

So today, I was taking a break outside and saw a feral cat. Not 'feral' in the sense it was foaming at the mouth and diseased, but a cat that lives in the field by my work, who probably dines on the occasional field mouse or bird. It was skinny and laying in the bushes, trying to keep warm, and it dawned on me that this is that cat's existence, day in and day out, until one day it is either hunted by a larger predator, gets hit by a car, or dies of natural causes.

And as I studied this cat, laying still and breathing steadily, I felt as if there was a certain 'peace' amongst the whole scene, as if the Holy Spirit was there showing me something. That 'something' was God's creation and that I could admire it, and the cat was okay with my presence there watching it. All other sounds and cares of mine momentarily disappeared, and it was just me and the cat, God's example to me that all things are taken care of, even me, if I allow Him to.

As I sat there longer, my thoughts drifted towards my dog, and all the trust and joy he gives me, and am I no different when Jesus looks at me? Am I to be calm, and peaceful, and give Christ the trust and joy that animals give me? I should, though I don't always remember to. Someday perhaps I will no longer need my medication...I can only hope and pray.

The animals taught me something today. Actually God taught me something today through the animals. There I was and still am humbled that I too am like a feral cat....living one day at a time, wanting to place my trust in God to take care of me, that He is in control and I am not. The peace that was shown to me today is something I really can't define, it goes beyond just a mere definition...it was a 'feeling', that one day I hope to experience in eternity.

Turning to a brother for help

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." (Romans 8: 26 - 27)

I humbled over the weekend. Not by any particular act per-se, but by studying Romans, chapter 8. Actually chapters 6 - 8 really spoke to me and put some things in perspective. I just hope I can retain this knowledge and recall these words the next time I have ill thoughts in regards to the state of my relationship with people, but my more importantly my wife.

So my last post....I never finished. Not sure that I will now, since a week has passed. In summation, my wife hurt my feelings and because I internalize and have a hard time putting my thoughts and emotions in order, I broke down and wept. My wife saw my despair but fails to recognize my side, or what I consider the 'root' of our problem. I take it all upon myself, as usual, and forget to turn it over to Christ. And if I do turn it over to Christ, I am guilty of taking it back almost immediately thereafter.

The Enemy taunts me with my failures and strikes where he knows it hurts worse....my emotions where I always question not only the strength of my faith, but quick to recognize the faults of others. And when that happens, sin wells up in my heart. I think corrupt thoughts, self-doubt, anger, selfishly and I act out.....My eyes drift elsewhere seeking momentary happiness in carnal ways not pleasing to the Lord, or to my spirit in the long-run. The pain hurts so much at times, I look for a quick fix....in the world. My prayers turn to mush to the point where I don't know what to do anymore and want to give up.

I turned to a brother in the church and explained whats going on. We spoke for nearly 45 minutes. He understood. He even went as far as to say he and his own wife had been praying for me as they 'felt' something was amiss in my life.

The ability to vent and unload on someone who does not judge, but just listens was good for me. Just by speaking my thoughts, I was able to determine some actions that needed to be taken.

I decided to take my wife out on a long over-due date. It was nice. We had dinner and a movie. I prayed in my head numerous times, and with the thought of others praying for me as well, helped strengthen my own will within.

My wife and I have done 'okay' this week. We spent the day shopping together. Spent Friday night in and watched TV together. We walked the dog together. I was 'okay' with the fact she wanted to go and play cards with some girlfriends and so I was prepared she's be home late, and I was 'okay' with that too. She then took me to dinner on Sunday, and it was nice.

This morning I even had an intimate dream about her, something I hadn't had in ages.