I got up early this morning, no real reason why, but my eyes popped open for the final time just after 5am. I don't like that, seeing that I easily have at least another hour to hour and a half before I really have to get up.
At the urging of my dog, I made my way downstairs at about 5:20 and fed him...an hour early. I made myself some coffee and tried to straighten up the kitchen a tad. I even found time to watch a little recorded TV before I made my way out the door.
I was super hungry this morning, so I decided to hit Del Taco and get another cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, and I kept thinking about this evening.....looking forward to hanging out with my dog, doing a nature hike, meeting some new people while hanging with Rex and his wife.
Mid meal, I got a text message from another friend....
A mutual friend of ours, Joe, well his elderly father passed away early this morning. I never met Joe's father, but Joe and I have been friends for about 8 years. Joe's a bit older than me, probably late 40's and I know he has an older sister, so I can only guestimate that his father was maybe in his 70's? Not exactly sure, but as far as I know, he was healthy.
My own father turns 68 this upcoming Monday, May 7th.
I have no idea what I will do when my father (or mother for that matter) passes. It's becoming a reality to me however, that my parents life is past the 1/2 way mark, and they have become incredibly close to me this past year, especially my father. My father knows that I have a delicate psyche, that I am soft and emotional, but I know he loves me so much as does my mom.
The good news is that both my parents are saved and I have no doubt that they will be with Jesus someday, but that doesn't make it much easier for me.
A feeling of loneliness hit me at Del Taco (don't laugh, eben though it does sound funny).
I was sitting there alone this morning, eating breakfast b myself, after leaving my house, that I live in....by myself. I have no brothers or sisters. I have no biological children, only a 20 year step-daughter who only within the last couple of years started to call me day....but now doesn't live with me anylonger. I have a soon to be ex-wife, and I wonder about the legacy I will leave here on this planet.
What if my dad passes unexpectedly in the next year or so? Or my mom? I am just now re-discovering my inner self, and I know right now I am fragile. The Lexapro barely helps and I can't even imagine dealing with death and the sense of loss. I already know I'm going to have to be put on tranquilizers when my dog eventually passes, so I can't even imagine my own parents.
Not to belittle anything, but like I said I haven't even met Joe's dad, and I'm crying for him this morning. I don't even know how to reach out to Joe right now, let alone respond to the text from our friend. I'm incredibly sad right now and it's put a damper on my day as I yet again I turn inward and think about my life.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
May 04, 2012
April 18, 2012
Tough 24 hours
The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.
My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.
Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.
I hurt so much right now.
I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.
I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.
I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.
I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.
How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.
The list can go on and on.
I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.
But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.
I really am that co-dependant.
Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.
I cried this morning.
And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.
I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.
I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.
I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.
My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.
Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.
I hurt so much right now.
I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.
I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.
I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.
I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.
How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.
The list can go on and on.
I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.
But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.
I really am that co-dependant.
Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.
I cried this morning.
And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.
I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.
I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.
I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.
March 22, 2012
Lunch with my MIL
Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
March 21, 2012
A new dawn.
I had absolutely no contact with my wife yesterday.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
March 20, 2012
Riding off into the Sunset...
Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
May 13, 2009
Taking the edge off
Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.
Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.
I've noticed two side effects so far:
1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.
2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.
I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.
Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.
She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.
All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.
Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.
I've noticed two side effects so far:
1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.
2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.
I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.
Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.
She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.
All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.
April 24, 2009
A New Day
Since they are no longer two but one, let no one seperate them, for God has joined them together - (Matthew 19:6)Yesterday I really had a tough day of things. My emotions ebbed and flowed throughout the day and by the time I got home last night, my appetite was shot... Funny because my wife asked me what I wanted to do for dinner, and I kid you not, I must have offered up 5 different suggestions, and they were all shot down. It ended up having me make tuna helper as a last resort, and I may have had 3/4 of a serving before I just couldn't eat anymore.
My wife was so engrossed in Facebook again, it wasn't until I went to go take a shower....after I ate...that I guess she spooned herself a few bites to eat not in my company.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade down my head, onto my shoulders and back, just trying to relax. Once out of the shower I opened the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapam (1mg) and looked at the left over 20mg Lexapro tablets I have. For a few minutes I hung onto the medicine cabinet and pictured myself calling my doctor and requesting a refill on both....something you normally wouldn't do, and I can just imagine the quizzing I'd be subject to. He'd most likely want me to come in, charge me for the office visit, and maybe, just maybe agree that I need to go back on the meds.
I'm seriously considering it. I need a little numbness I think, and alcohol is not the answer. A re-trial of the Lexapro (maybe 15mg) for a few weeks may help me regulate my emotions, especially when I have difficult times at work. I'm also going to ask if the Clonzapam comes perhaps in a 2mg form, as 1mg just doesn't seem to be enough...though it does help.
By 10pm I went to bed, and my wife soon followed...on her side of the bed of course, and our mini-schnauzer as the buffer between us.
This morning I reached over and grabbed her hand....to hold it...and surprisingly she held it back. I didn't want to let go even after 10 minutes, and finally asked her if I could snuggle her...and she agreed!! I lay next to her, no words spoken between us, just me hugging her over the top as she fell back asleep in my arms another ten minutes.
I finally had to get up and get ready for work, and I swear I heard her say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" Of course I would anyway, but did I hear right? Did she call me "Babe."? I haven't heard that in so long, and it looks like today started off on the right foot.
Tonight we are going out on a date. I offered to take her to dinner to a specialty seafood restaurant that she inquired about so long ago, and so she agreed. I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but it's a start. We'll be meeting at home after work, change, and then take a nice drive to a city we rarely get to anymore to have a nice dinner and hopefully to talk. Afterwards, if it is not too cold, perhaps I can convince her to take a stroll with me under the night sky like we used to do oh so long ago.
On another front, I was listening to a Christian radio station today and heard part of a message entitled "Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage", by Pastor Jack Abeelen. The series itself is 6 parts and I ended making an impulse purchase over the web for the series. Click here to see what I'm talking about. I'm hoping that my wife will listen to it as well, or at least part of it.
April 15, 2009
Critical Junctures
So much has been going on in terms of my personal life, more specifically my marriage the last few weeks/months, that is one of the main reasons for my lack of posts.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
December 15, 2008
Passing of a friend
With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
November 24, 2008
Revisiting the unfinished
It's been a strange week for me both emotionally and psychologically.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
November 05, 2008
President Elect
"Remind your people to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do whats good. They must not speak evil of anyone, and they must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone." (Titus 3: 1-2)
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
October 29, 2008
I Dream of True Love
Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
September 09, 2008
The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
September 04, 2008
The Vicious Circle (Part III)
After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
September 02, 2008
The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)
Warning: this entry contains adult language.
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
August 29, 2008
The vicious cycle never ends.
3 weeks ago my wife came home and boldly claimed "That's it...Screw my job....They don't pay me for all this overtime I put in so I'm not doing it anymore and I'm gonna start coming home at 6pm and we'll walk the dog together."
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
August 20, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part III)
It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
August 19, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part II)
Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
July 14, 2008
Yet another interuption.
One of my coworkers has called in this morning and has informed us he will not be at work this whole week and his new wife just gave birth to their first son. Well, congratulations to him and I hope everything is well.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
June 05, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)
I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
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