Perspective

I got up early this morning, no real reason why, but my eyes popped open for the final time just after 5am.  I don't like that, seeing that I easily have at least another hour to hour and a half before I really have to get up.

At the urging of my dog, I made my way downstairs at about 5:20 and fed him...an hour early.  I made myself some coffee and tried to straighten up the kitchen a tad.  I even found time to watch a little recorded TV before I made my way out the door.

I was super hungry this morning, so I decided to hit Del Taco and get another cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, and I kept thinking about this evening.....looking forward to hanging out with my dog, doing a nature hike, meeting some new people while hanging with Rex and his wife.

Mid meal, I got a text message from another friend....

A mutual friend of ours, Joe, well his elderly father passed away early this morning.  I never met Joe's father, but Joe and I have been friends for about 8 years.  Joe's a bit older than me, probably late 40's and I know he has an older sister, so I can only guestimate that his father was maybe in his 70's?  Not exactly sure, but as far as I know, he was healthy.

My own father turns 68 this upcoming Monday, May 7th.

I have no idea what I will do when my father (or mother for that matter) passes.  It's becoming a reality to me however, that my parents life is past the 1/2 way mark, and they have become incredibly close to me this past year, especially my father.  My father knows that I have a delicate psyche, that I am soft and emotional, but I know he loves me so much as does my mom.

The good news is that both my parents are saved and I have no doubt that they will be with Jesus someday, but that doesn't make it much easier for me.

A feeling of loneliness hit me at Del Taco (don't laugh, eben though it does sound funny). 

I was sitting there alone this morning, eating breakfast b myself, after leaving my house, that I live in....by myself.  I have no brothers or sisters.  I have no biological children, only a 20 year step-daughter who only within the last couple of years started to call me day....but now doesn't live with me anylonger.  I have a soon to be ex-wife, and I wonder about the legacy I will leave here on this planet.

What if my dad passes unexpectedly in the next year or so?  Or my mom?  I am just now re-discovering my inner self, and I know right now I am fragile.  The Lexapro barely helps and I can't even imagine dealing with death and the sense of loss.  I already know I'm going to have to be put on tranquilizers when my dog eventually passes, so I can't even imagine my own parents.

Not to belittle anything, but like I said I haven't even met Joe's dad, and I'm crying for him this morning.  I don't even know how to reach out to Joe right now, let alone respond to the text from our friend.  I'm incredibly sad right now and it's put a damper on my day as I yet again I turn inward and think about my life.

Steve Jobs

It's been a few days now since the infamous Steve Jobs passed away, and I'll be honest, I don't give too much indepth thought to when certain celebrity personalities die, but somehow his death has had me in some deep thinking.

I'm always bummed out to a certain degree when a personality I tend to like or follow passes, but I don't dwell on it. If it was an artist or an actor/actress, I may go back and break out and watch an old movie or go through my record collection to hear some fondly remembered tunes. I may even read their wikipedia page to glean some interesting tid bit of information to satisfy my curiosity to one degree or another.

But Steve Jobs is different to me.

I don't own any Apple products at all. No iPhone, iPad, iPod, Mac or anything else. It's not that I have anything against Apple (other than the fact they are overpriced pieces of hardware). As a matter of fact, I think Apple (and Steve Jobs vision for that matter) made a huge impact on the world this past decade as far as technology goes. Let's face it...the hardware (overpriced as it is) is solid stuff. Idiot proof. Simplistic, yet functional design.

I will agree with some of the newspapers and media outlets that he was indeed a modern day Edison. An inventor with a drive and a vision. Yes, I'll agree that a world without his inventions would be a radically different place, and I'll miss anything future he may have had brewing in his brilliant mind.

But that's where it stops.

I'm actually really shocked and dumbstruck on how many people (at least in the states thus far) are mourning him like a god. Within minutes of his passing, many peopel I know on Facebook changed their profile pictures in rememberence of him. Twitter was aflood with "RIP" messages. Tributes began springing up almost instantaneously. People proclaimed we have lost an incredible mind, and incredible person, and they were downright distraught. In all seriousness, his death has garnered a legion of ordinary people thinking he was akin to being the messiah.

The fact I'm taking issue with, is just that: He isn't a god. He isn't a messiah. As a matter of fact, by all accounts I've read....he was an athiest, and somewhat vocal about it. Now, I have no clue where his mind or heart was at in the final moments. I'm not sure of us will truly know, but if I were a gambling man...I would wager he passed still as an athiest.

I'll even go further in saying that of all the condolences I've read or heard thus far on various media websites or outlets, I have yet to hear one person say "We know you are with God." -or- "Our prayers go to your family." -or- "God Bless."

Seriously, I have not heard one mention of God, prayer, Christ, heaven which strikes me very oddly.

That bums me out.

I'm not going to quote bible verses today, but you can probably guess where I think Steve may have ended up. And I'm not happy about that. I take no delight in anyone losing their soul to spend enternity absent of God's presence. Especially a mind as brilliant as his.

I even included the cartoon above which pokes fun of the pearly gates, as if Steve Jobs has more organizational skill than Peter or heaven itself. I found that very odd as well, because that cartoon popped up on the Internet within hours of the news of his passing. Maybe I'm being over-sensative on the matter.. What's done is done and no prayer today can change the mind or heart of the departed after the fact.

Passing of a friend

With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.

I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).

I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.

The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.

By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.

Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.

A friend looses a pet

I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.

Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.

I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.

I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.

My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:

"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.

She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."

After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.

Sad News

How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4: 14)

I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.

Advanced.

The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.

He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.

It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.

I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?

Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.

In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.

I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.

On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.

My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.

What is going on in the world?

Is it me, or does it seem that the last few years that more and more natural disasters are taking place? For all I know, there may be a constant level of activity taking place all the time, but because the population of this planet keeps increasing and the fact that cameras, cell phones, and other technologies make news instantaneous, its just seems like this stuff is happening more and more often. And in greater magnitude.

In the last few years after 9/11, we've had hurricane Katrina, tsunami's, tornandos, more and more talk on global warming, Russia's military becoming strong again, Iran dabbling in nuclear power, violence escalting among youth, the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) with an esitmated death toll of 63K-100K, and now a devestating 7.9 earthquake in China with early numbers approaching 10k dead (and possibly more).

"I watched as the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake." (Rev 6:12)

I by no means claim to be a prophet of any kind. I know for a fact that I am not nor do I think I have any divine message, but the fact is all this stuff is really starting to spook me. My anxiety the last few days has been increasing. My sleep has been a little restless as of late and I mentioned a few weeks back that I had all these wierd coincidences in regards to coming across material about the end times, the rapture, and biblical prophecy.

I've been debating the last week or so to possibly jump back on my medicine, at the very least my clonzapen (and not tell my wife). My stress and the tightening in my chest has been escalating as I can feel it more prevelant lately.

I'm not kidding and not making light of the matter at all. I'm really starting to get nervous and I seriously believe that my mind is working against me...that maybe I really am turning paranoid as a symptom of depression or other mental illness. How crappy is that? As if I am convincing myself that I am indeed going crazy.

I seriously don't know what to make of any of this. My friends and neighbors and family all seem to be taking this in stride which just confounds me to no end. Like their attitude is, "Well, that's too bad, but that's life and we just got move on..." Literally, in the last week over 100K people between China and Myanmar have had their lives snuffed out in an instant. How many were saved or knew God? How many are in paradise today? How many more are not?

Flags at half mast....again.

"How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone" (James 4:14)

I've been at my new job for a total of ten months now, and today I received an email that a fellow coworker passed away over the weekend. He was in his late 50's, and there was some speculation that he may have been ill due to a very raspy voice, but no one seems to know for sure. The details of his death were not made known to the employee's.

That's the fifth person who has passed at my job in ten months. Five.

I'm a little taken aback by this one as I knew the gentleman and had the pleasure of working with him on a small project about 2 months back.

And now he is gone.

I have no idea on what his faith was. We never spoke of it, nor would I have ever thought to have at work in today's politically correct environment. I've never been good at witnessing. I kind of gave up on the overt witnessing I have tried in the past. If asked, I'm very forward to share my beliefs and I make no qualms about my own questions at times, especially mired in my own psyche.

That's one of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share with everyone the ups and downs of my life and hope through my experiences that perhaps someone could relate and realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Its intention is to still let anyone out there who is depressed that even Christians have their dark moments and far from perfect. I don't frolic through meadows of daisies, see the goodness in all things, or wake up with a beaming ray of sunshine protruding from my smile....that is if I even smile that day.

I share my personal, intimate details with you all, from my struggles in marriage, work related issues, and random, corrupt thoughts born of flesh and sin. I want to share with you how anti-depressants work for me, and matters of the Spirit from my perspective, and maybe....just maybe someone out there can relate and know you aren't alone in your thoughts.

Why you ask? Because we never know when our time is up. We do not know the hour of the day in which God already knew from the beginning when our mortal bodies shall return to dust, and our soul is either greeted with open arms and love, or the gnashing and wailing of teeth.

Right now, I am still continuing to have issues with my wife. We had a pleasant evening together last night....dinner, conversation, and some time watching shows together in which we like. We also played a video game together and it was fun. It's as if the argument from earlier in the week never happened, and those are the times I miss and wish to think about more often....not the drama that sends voices escalating, causing sleep to be list, and headaches, and ill feelings towards each other.

My mother-in-law is planning on speaking with my wife tomorrow in regards to certain behaviors that everyone is aware of, and I'm sure my name will be involved. I know this is coming, my wife doesn't know that I know, and I hope my wife realizes her mother speaks to her out of love and concern and not our of judgement. I say this because I am emotionally spent right now and do not wish to endure or entertain any altercation at this point, but these things always have a tendency to backfire against yours truly.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws, or at least I hope to think I do (a relationship my own mother and wife do not share however). I have come to them in the past, and they listen and advise in earnest....something I am so thankful for.

I am a little stressed out now. Of course I imagine my wife walking in the door tomorrow and laying into me for possibly airing dirty laundry. But I need to 'man-up'. While I suppose the situation could possibly deteriorate further, I am hoping for a miracle....that my wife may need to hear from someone else that I love her and I care and that marriage should be a bonding experience not something to tear us apart...because that is not what God wants for any of his children. And because we do not know how long our life is to be...that we exit this realm in good standing and not at odds with those we love.